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Just an observation -vent

Posted by on Nov. 24, 2013 at 11:14 AM
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Reading through some of these posts over the last year and then some, I have come to get a bit infuriated on how so many single mothers are left as single mothers, many not even dating for years and years, others trying to date but never seemingly able to attract a man or at best, a good man, for anything substantial..yet the men who walked away or have limited access to the children they helped create are often getting remarried, starting famlies with other women, involved in long term relationships or having a string of women in and out of their lives.  

What annoys me is that sure, these men have more time date.  Most of them are likely liars and telling tall tales about their histories and sounding like victims in some way....but whatever the case, the bottom line is there are so many women willing to take up with them.  What's wrong with these women??   It really makes no sense to me how all these deadbeats can be out there making great new lives for themselves while so many single moms continue to struggle raising children by themselves, alone.  


Sorry...just had to get that off my chest.  

by on Nov. 24, 2013 at 11:14 AM
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Cenedra64
by Bronze Member on Nov. 24, 2013 at 11:19 AM
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Righteous observation ive noted many times myself. I was talking bout that last night. Ive also noted it has to do with the generations too. I know plenty of older couples my parents included who were and are married for life. Newer generations have grown up with vows not being solid. Divorce is forecast too readily available. Just pay or dont pay child support. Even my youngest daughter said it right; people dont work on relationships they give up
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randi1978
by Murdoc's Mistress on Nov. 24, 2013 at 11:30 AM
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I notice it too.  If you heard it from my ex husband, both me and ex wife #1 were crazy cheating sluts who kidnapped his children.  Future ex wife #3 finally got sick of his shit and kicked him out (he's homeless I've heard).  I'm sure he'll attract another naive idiot who believes his bullshit. 

Dating hasn't necessarily been a huge issue.  I've had a few relationships through the last seven years.  The most recent one had lasted almost 2 yrs before I found out he was a cheating SOB (nobody saw this coming, not even our mutual friends who have known him almost 10 yrs). 

They seem to have no issue whatsoever and I do believe it has a lot to do with having more time to get out and meet others, finding women who believe their sob stories and don't bother to look into their bullshit further.  We're often working and home caring for the kids and have very little time for ourselves, let alone time to get out and meet someone worth while. 

At this point, my standards are so lofty, I know I'll be single for a while, LOL.  Intelligence,  decent grasp of grammar, employed and self sufficient will be an absolute must.  I have no issue if they have kids, but do require that they be products of actual relationships/marriage and not one night stands, LOL and are at least 5 yrs of age or older.  I just do not have the patience for very small children. 

Yeah, I'll prob be single for a while, LOL.

heretolisten
by Bronze Member on Nov. 24, 2013 at 11:38 AM


Ah....NAIVE!  Nails it!   *sigh*   


Had to laugh at your "lofty standards" .. I, too, can relate to that so indeed I shall likely be single for quite some time because of that.  LOL 

Quoting randi1978:

I notice it too.  If you heard it from my ex husband, both me and ex wife #1 were crazy cheating sluts who kidnapped his children.  Future ex wife #3 finally got sick of his shit and kicked him out (he's homeless I've heard).  I'm sure he'll attract another naive idiot who believes his bullshit. 

Dating hasn't necessarily been a huge issue.  I've had a few relationships through the last seven years.  The most recent one had lasted almost 2 yrs before I found out he was a cheating SOB (nobody saw this coming, not even our mutual friends who have known him almost 10 yrs). 

They seem to have no issue whatsoever and I do believe it has a lot to do with having more time to get out and meet others, finding women who believe their sob stories and don't bother to look into their bullshit further.  We're often working and home caring for the kids and have very little time for ourselves, let alone time to get out and meet someone worth while. 

At this point, my standards are so lofty, I know I'll be single for a while, LOL.  Intelligence,  decent grasp of grammar, employed and self sufficient will be an absolute must.  I have no issue if they have kids, but do require that they be products of actual relationships/marriage and not one night stands, LOL and are at least 5 yrs of age or older.  I just do not have the patience for very small children. 

Yeah, I'll prob be single for a while, LOL.



randi1978
by Murdoc's Mistress on Nov. 24, 2013 at 11:51 AM
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No other way to describe it, LOL.  I'll be the first to admit that I hold as much responsibility for my situation as him.  Why?  Because a lot of the red flags were right in my face, but I was too blind and naive to see them. 

The bonus of our life now?  I'm doing much better than him and providing a much better life for our daughter.  Had I remained with him, we wouldn't be where we are in regards to stability and finances.  I make decent money, no assistance, we've lived in the same home for five years and have lived in the same city for almost seven years.  He's lived in four different states, hasn't worked in several years and is now facing a bad winter on the streets. 

It's sad that those requirements are considered lofty, LOL.  But I need someone I can hold a conversation with, has some of the same interests, etc.  I would also like for them to have hobbies of some kind.  Not just be workaholics or consider sitting on their ass watching TV is a hobbie. 

Quoting heretolisten:

Ah....NAIVE!  Nails it!   *sigh*   


Had to laugh at your "lofty standards" .. I, too, can relate to that so indeed I shall likely be single for quite some time because of that.  LOL 

Quoting randi1978:


sexysiren1983
by on Nov. 24, 2013 at 12:10 PM
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Despite the women's lib movement of the 1970s, we still live in a highly sexist society, where men are held to a didfferent, double-standard than women. if a woman abandons her kids and starts a new family, she is stigmatized and assumed to be either a drug addict or a selfish horrid money-hugnry woman who isn't a good mom to any fo them. yet if a man does this, ti's considered normal and okay and maybe even a "victim of circumstance".

I think ti ahs to do with the fact that from conception women are physically more attached to the chld than the man---so there's already that level of dissociation between man and child. The child grows inside the woman's body, not the man's. thus is is somehow easier to accept a man rejecting/abandoning his child(ren) (though equally vile and disgusting in my eyes, I grew up with my dad and can't imagine not having had him in my life), than it si to accept when a woman does this, bc they don't understand how she could reject or abandon someone who was a part of her body for so long.

maam0609
by Member on Nov. 24, 2013 at 12:18 PM
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How about the men that tell you about their kids, and loves them, and has them all the time...blah blah blah. You find out he takes them to McDonald's once a month for an hour, and make them a split a happy meal, even though he bought enough food to feed an army for himself. Hey, wait, what! That hasn't happened to anyone else, guess I am the lucky one. The men that act like they are great fathers just to get their foot in the door make me sick. 

bluedeaj
by Deidre on Nov. 24, 2013 at 12:23 PM
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You are so very right for so many cases.  I do know that when my parents divorced, my dad never remarried.  My mom has.  I actually have spent some time feeling bad for my dad as he did truly love my mom but it was too little too late.  So he's just a bachelor for life (they divorced when he was approx 40yrs old, almost 15yrs ago).  He has no interest in dating and tends to be a very depressing person.  Anyway...

I think it's just them attracting the *same* type of women.  Women like the one that they got pregnant.  Women that want to believe and trust him, and that's what happens, the same outcome eventually comes to pass.  As the women grow and learn and move on, he goes back out and does the same exact thing.

As for divorce being too readily available... I am extremely lucky that divorce isn't stigmatized like it used to be.  I would have been forever unhappy in my marriage if so.  And not working on relationships?  That might be the majority, but it definitely wasn't my case.  We tried SO hard but were two completely different people at that time with zero in common.  Heck, we probably should have never gotten married to begin with, but I wouldn't change it for anything.  It could be a generation thing I guess, but divorce isn't easy to go through.  Neither is staying in an unhappy/depressing marriage.  I chose the route that would create happiness, and that was divorce.

I have lofty standards too :p  Being able to have good grammar is a definite must.  And I'm learning that where I currently live in NC, that means I'm going to have a hell of a time finding someone like that lol.  I'm missing San Diego just a lil' bit more! :)

sid1083
by Silver Member on Nov. 24, 2013 at 12:26 PM
It is sad…but I find that the guys who pretty much hide the fact they have kids from new relationships or blame the mother for the lack of their relationship with the child(ren) are the ones who can move on the quickest. Women tend to buy the first story that comes out because they want to believe. Because they don't know the whole story. Because it's easier to be ignorant.

I just know for myself, when I look back at the end of my life, I'd be much more proud to have been a struggling single parent than to have made excuses as to why I couldn't involve myself with my kids and always put myself and my needs above everyone else. But this is a values thing - many claim to share them but when presented with the work, turn their back and take the easy road - they leave.
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kristiansmommy1
by Bronze Member on Nov. 24, 2013 at 12:33 PM
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This is so true. I used to ask my sister why the hell my abusive, deadbeat, very mean ex could find a gf and have more kids while I couldn't find anyone decent. Sometimes I feel bad for her bc I think her self esteem is so low she thinks he's all she can get. I do talk to her and he is mean to her and the kids too but she's scared the kids will 'hate her' if she leaves him. That would be the day I even looked twice at a man that had nothing to do with his kids. I guess some girls don't really care
faerie75
by Ruby Member on Nov. 24, 2013 at 12:49 PM
Well that's just the nature of the beast, a custodial parent will have less time to date. There's two sides to every story. Sometimes a mom fights tooth and nail for primary custody then complains she don't have time and dad is a deadbeat but it isn't true, he is active on his parenting time. Sometimes dad truly is a deadbeat. That's why we need to be selective who we have kids from, we are left holding the bag.
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