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Was your last relationship with a psychopath?

Posted by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 8:22 AM
  • 24 Replies
2 moms liked this

10 Ways to Know Very Quickly If Your Man is a Psychopath

by Kiri Blakeley

Are you in a relationship with a psychopath? You might think that's something you'd know right away by the red tint of evil in the person's eyes, the swastika tat on the forehead, or the insistence on discussing serial killers over dinner. But nope. Psychopaths can be extremely charming and come across like Prince Charming at first. So unless you know the signs, you'd probably get sucked into the life of a psychopath and not know who he or she really was until you are completely suckerpunched. Here are 10 signs you should look out for to quickly identify a psychopath.

1. Flattery like you've never heard before. Psychopaths move extremely quickly. On the first date, he'll probably tell you that you are stunningly beautiful, unbelievably intelligent, and uproariously witty. He will play into every fantasy and insecurity you have. If you think you're fat, he will tell you how much he loves your body. If you think you're shy, he will laugh at every lame attempt at a joke and tell you you should have been a comedian. This is called "love bombing." It's the idealization phase he gets you hooked on; and it's the phase you will spend the next however-many months or years trying to get back once he abruptly shuts it off.

2. He is just like you. Psychopaths will try to convince you that you are soul mates, just alike. He loves all the things you do; and you have all of the same interests. If you had a tough childhood, he will say something like, "We both had it rough. That's why we understand each other." If there's an obscure book you love, he will make sure he loves it too. What he's doing is called "mirroring." He has no real identity, so he sucks yours up and mirrors it back to you.

3. Pity plays. Pay careful attention to what a psychopath says on the first few dates about his exes and other people in his life. Is his ex girlfriend crazy and stalking him? Did another girlfriend rob him blind? Is his mother controlling and horrible? Does he seem like he's had a tough time with people, who always use and abandon him? Whatever he says about the other people in his life is pretty much exactly what he'll be saying about you at some point, so listen carefully.

4. Illnesses and injuries. Psychopaths absolutely love pity, so pay attention to how many illnesses and injuries he's had. Did he miraculously beat cancer but it could come back at any minute? Does he break his foot on your second date and has to cancel? (But strangely is okay for the third date?) Did he lose his first wife in a car accident that left him with brain trauma (yet he talks fine and seems fine?)? Try to check out his stories -- call hospitals if you need to -- but don't be surprised if he has an excuse for why you can't find any record of any of his traumas.

5. Great sex. Everyone wants great sex, but those who have been with a psychopath often say it's the best thing they've ever experienced. A psychopath goes out of his way to please you. It's just another way of getting you hooked. Once he has you hooked, you'll find yourself begging for sex because he suddenly won't want it anymore.

6. Cracks in the mask. A psychopath will sometimes blurt out something odd about himself, apropos of nothing. Like you might be cooking dinner and suddenly he blurts, "I'm crazy you know." Or "I'm cheating on you." He will then either deny he said it or play it off as a joke. A form of keeping you off balance -- but also possibly an unconscious slip of the mask of his persona.

7. Silent treatment. Once psychopaths have you hooked after the "love bombing" and "idealization" phase, they then begin to devalue you. The first step in that is usually to give you the silent treatment over something. Psychopaths are also known to disappear for days at a time. Be sure, the silent treatment and disappearing act will be laid squarely at your feet. In reality, he is off sizing up his next target somewhere.

8. Triangulation. Psychopaths love to work you up into a state of obsessive frenzy, so to do that, they idealize you, give you fabulous sex, and then begin pulling away and "triangulating." This is when they introduce other people into the mix to make you jealous. It could be an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, a friend of the same sex, or even a celebrity. In the psychopaths mind, everyone else wants him, so you better be on your best behavior, or he will move on to one of his adoring fans.

9. Discard. The final phase of the psychopath is the "discard" phase. After he sucks you in with idealization, then begins to devalue you, he will suddenly discard you as if you never had a relationship. You are suddenly completely worthless to him. He will usually move on to another target at this point.

10. "Hoovering." Although a psychopath will discard you, he doesn't quite want you moving on either. If he senses you are done with him, he will suddenly do an about-face, and begin bombarding you with pleas to stay together. He will try to "Hoover" (named after the vacuum cleaning company) you back in by saying everything you've ever wanted to hear, making a million promises, and suddenly being on his absolute best behavior. It's all an act so he can get you back into the fold.

The only way to get rid of a psychopath is to completely go "no contact (NC)." It's the only thing that doesn't fuel his games and ego. He will make that difficult for you -- some psychopaths will stalk you, most will Hoover. But to engage him in any way, even just to tell him off, only leaves you open to more mind games, which he will win, because he has no feelings. (Those who have children with psychopaths must develop "low contact," and keep in touch only as much as absolutely needed as regards the children.)

Of course, nobody is perfect, and some people are just immature and go through periods of giving the silent treatment, or "devaluing" you with critical comments. Other people may triangulate to create jealousy because they're insecure or bored or don't even quite realize they're doing it. There are also plenty of garden-variety jerks out there who will engage in a lot of "psychopathic" behavior without being clinical psychopaths.

But if your lover engages in much or all of this behavior, then he or she is likely psychopathic, and you should run for the hills!

Have you ever been with a psychopath?

by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 8:22 AM
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by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 9:25 AM
Hmmmm.. I watched a show yesterday where a woman killed her husband. The husband was just like this from the time they met till the time she killed him. It was a true story too.
by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 10:11 AM

Pretty much me except I ended it and threw him out. 

by Silver Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 10:31 AM
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I truly believe I have been in relationships (both dating and friendship) with a few sociopaths. Psychopath and sociopath are eerily similar. Look it up.
by Gold Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 10:58 AM

good post!

by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 4:06 PM
1 mom liked this
yes he had no remorse for any of his actions either
by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 4:27 PM
My ex was good at hiding being a psychopath. He didn't flatter too much,didn't have EVERYTHING in common with me, didn't do too much on the pity play, never faked an illness or injury (however he did make up a story about going to college) the sex was pretty good, he never let his mask slip he took it off and was completely the opposite of course I'm pretty sure he's bipolar, he didn't give me the silent treatment, he did use triangulation and did discard me. But never hoovered. Of course that's probably because we had a mutual order of protection against each other and he knew Id be all over it.
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by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 4:34 PM
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Yes. Yes. Yes... oh my gosh.. this is dead on. This is actually not only my ex but a boyfriend I had when I was a teenager.. in fact I have had girls be like this (minus the sex part)..

They always make you appear crazy. They stalk your every. Move and tear down your success. Its very isolating.

I have had only 1 friend believe me in all of it. She has seen it all first hand.

Wow. Trust your instincts.. that's all I have to say.
by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 4:38 PM
Thank goodness I have good people in my life. That's how you know you aren't getting paranoid.. when you feel some red flags towards a specific person but not all people in your life.

I am going to let my real friends know I truly am thankful for them.

I had someone give me the wise advice to keep names. Not to be paranoid but to be cautious of. They said it helps if a restraining order is needed.

My ex used to say crazy things out of the blue. I dated a guy for a year that was like this to. He would say things that would make me shiver.. he was purposely trying to scare me. He even said things about my son.

Messed up.
by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 4:43 PM
Single moms are prey. My mom used to tell me to be extra careful. Our situation can make us appear more vulnerable.. and we can be the target for some messed up stuff.

They also love to ruin your relationships. So that you feel alone. My ex used to say "no one will ever know you like I do"

He backed me in a corner once and said "You aren't thinking of leaving me are you?"

So.. thank goodness for good men. :)
by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 4:46 PM
That's ex right there 100%
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