by Jeanne Sager
Being a parent is a hard job. It may not be the hardest in the world, but come on, dealing with someone who still thinks it's OK to crayon on walls and wear Spiderman undies (and nothing but) outside when it's 19 degrees is not easy. So here's what I really don't get: why are there parents out there who actually work to make it HARDER on the rest of us?
You know the ones I'm talking about. They're the over-achieving a-holes who haven't just done everything you've pinned on your Pinterest board as a "huh, maybe one day," but they've IMPROVED upon the infamous bunny bread!
The issue isn't all the time they're wasting play ubermom (or dad). They're the ones missing out on all the time they could be spending catching up on the Kardashians (oh come on, you've watched it too). It's how bad they make the rest of us look to our kids.
Because, yes, their kids talk to our kids, and our kids come home and we have to hear all about ...
1. Tooth Fairy Mom. You feel lucky if you remember to actually take the tooth when you put the money under the pillow at 2 a.m. after doing 5 baskets of laundry.
She puts on glitter lipstick so she can give her kiddo a "fairy kiss" that he'll see in the mirror in the morning. THEN she pours flour on the bedroom floor and walks a Barbie through it to leave "fairy footprints." Oh yeah, and she sprang for the special "Tooth Fairy dollars."
2. Santa Dad. You probably have some "Santa" wrapping paper you use only on gifts from the big guy, and maybe you write the "to Johnny, from Santa" with your left hand to disguise the handwriting.
He climbs up on a snow covered roof at 10 p.m. and runs around so the kids will hear "real" hoofbeats on Christmas Eve. And he has HIS OWN SANTA SUIT.
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3. Bento Mom. You think it's enough to make sure the cold cuts aren't spoiled before you slap them on bread and throw them in one of those reusable sandwich baggies (look, you're going green!), don't you?
Sorry, but in that same 5 minutes you took to make one sandwich, she's recreated Santa's entire village AND his reindeer out of some brown rice and broccoli. And damn straight her kid is going to eat it.
4. Elf on the Shelf® Dad. You try to move the thing to a different spot in the living room at least a few times during the month of December, or at least every time the kid starts whining that little Elfie must have been too tired to visit Santa last night.
He spent a week in his workshop building doll-sized sets that can be quietly taken down and put back up so nary a sleeping child will be awoken by the magic being made in the den.
5. Snack Mom. You find out it's your turn to provide the class snack, so you hit the grocery store for a big box of Entenmann's because WHO DOESN'T LIKE ENTENMANN'S?
She brings fresh baked macarons to school and then pipes the ganache in, while standing in front of a classroom full of kindergartens, bringing them to complete silence for a French culinary lesson.
6. Science Fair Dad. You bugged your kid about their potato-powered electricity project every day for a week so they'd actually hand the thing in on time.
He made an electric CAR. That you can DRIVE.
How are we supposed to compete with all this?
What over-achieving parents drive you crazy?