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separtion purgatory and the deadbeat father..

Posted by on Dec. 15, 2013 at 12:52 AM
  • 7 Replies

Hi there.  (sorry so long...this involves a thieving ex, drug addicted ex. with no soul, severe spousal issues with IRS and MVA  and other.) (also please don't judge me thinking I deserve this for marrying an addict jerk...he seriously covered up some information very well and became an addict after marriage, after initially getting oxycontin after a back surgery...)I have been apart from my son's father, my ex husband now for almost 7 years.  We are not technically divorced and I really need to get that taken care of.  I planned on it a few years ago and then had a very serious injury which put everything but recovering on hold for a while.  People ask if I am not taking care of legalities because I may want to reconcile.  That is not the case at all.  I actually new without a shred of doubt that I want to permanently disolve the relationship/the marriage and domestic arrangement at least a full year before I told him we were through.  I did not want to act in haste, so when it was firm in my mind, I told myself to give it a year to make sure it was the right decsions.  Anyhow, my ex created a lot of financial challenges for us.  He was very bad with money, financially dishonest in our relationship, seriously destroyed my credit and soaked my assets dry.  I had an arrangement with him, outside of any courts that he could have about 6-9 months without having to help me financially, time to start over, since he was the one who had to find a new place to live and was really starting his life over, recovering from drug addiction, having started a new lower paying job, after losing his real job during the height of his addiction.  (prescription pain killers gone wild.)  Well I have never received child support.  He was also supposed to chip in on insurance since he was on my plan, that has never happened.  I pay the mortgage on my own, paid for 100% of preschool and daycare on my own, and everything since that time.  He has on rare occasion provided me with $100. 00 to $180.00 at best.  If I average it out, he has paid about 5-10. dollars a month of child support which is absurd.  He always just says that he has bills, he is broke, he is trying, he needs other things.  I don't think he actually thinks that not supporting one's child is wrong.  That is so frustrating to me that it renews my anger with him, over and over again.  It's hard to really let go an move on as a result.  My son and I have gone through some really tough times, we always get through.  Two years ago, I found out my husband did not take my name of the title to "his" car and he got a record number of tickets, (speed camera) and got a crazy amount of fines for allowing his insurancet lapse. I was totally unaware until I tried to register my car and was told there was a comptroller hold and I could not register my car.  I had to pay all the fines and interest, so I could legally keep my car on the road.  My ex has never paid back a dime of that.  In total it was about 900-1000 dollars.  Last year, my paychecks started being garnished, why....because of his tax and financial issues.  The feds and then the state said, it did not matter that we file single for years, legally...that they would collect from me because they could.  Apparently he no longer files, so they could not keep his tax returns, a lot of his pay is under the table, and unreported, so they can't garnish his wages.  I own a home, so they could put a lien on it, and even take it...they put a lien on it.  I could not afford to pay bills, or even some basic day to day things.  My mortgage became very delinquent and my credit is back to being destroyed.  The IRS finally stopped garnishing my wages and even admitted that some of the money was wrongfully take from me. They could not assure me that it would be returned.  6 months later a small portion was returned.  They still kept much of it to pay of the ex's debt.  That was a very deeply depressing time in my life, I felt hopeless and it's just hard to describe how dark that period was.  I now feel scared that the government can just steal my pay, and I am always on the verge of a major anxiety attack as a result.  I have the stress of being a little on the broke side, ruined credit, but it's the fear of being victimized by the government that causes me to lose sleep and to lose any sense of peace of mind.  I have been getting health insurance statements all the time recently and I can see that my ex is visiting a lot of different e.r's, day to day..when I know he has not been sick, because my son would have known and it makes no sense that he would go to an e.r. way out of the way and he is switching so much.  I know what that means.  It means that he is faking to get prescriptions for pain killers, while I pay for the health insurance.  I also found out that he took my son to visit my stepsister right after she had surgery and had the nerve to steal her prescription pain killers that she needed legitimately.  I was back to the days when I had to hide everything from my then spouse, because he had stolen my medication after I had surgery, had his eye on migraine medication and I was terrified he would start selling my jewelery or cash in my retirment.  I hid everything.  That is a crazy awful way to live.  I had forgotten about that until I found out about the theft at my stepsister's...So you are probably getting the picture about my son's dad.  Anyhow, I really don't know how much longer I can go on, without wanting to just go off on this guy.  My nest egg is drained.  We have bad credit, I can't barely save anything.  Meanwhile I find out my ex is having the luxury of buying new toys for himself, and is buying upscale weed.  The anger in me churns and burns.  I cannot afford an attorney at this point, but I really feel like I need to address this legally through the courts. I need some child support.  I don't know how I will get anywhere without an attorney.  I do actually make more money than my son's father, but I don't feel that that means he should not have to contribute.  I never asked for a lot.  The verbal agreement which he never once honored was for 250. a month.  That is nothing at all in this area.  That's all I asked for.  I want more now.  I don't know how to approach this situation.  I talked to  mediators, because I heard they are cheaper than lawyers and that they are not as advisarial, working to arrange what is really best for everyone and the child in particular.  The mediators in my county (Montgomery County Maryland) were actually shockingly expensive. I also need to get the divorce.  I have been advised that I really need to have a lawyer involved, but again, that is financially out of my reach.  I don't know what to do.  I have gone to the courthouse to ask for some basic information and guidance with related matters and after hours of waited, just get really insulted and treated rudely and get blown off.  They have free help for defendents, but not for single mothers who need support.  I was just wondering if anybody had any suggestions, guidance, insights, information that might be useful to me.  Thanks.

by on Dec. 15, 2013 at 12:52 AM
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Replies (1-7):
by Silver Member on Dec. 15, 2013 at 10:53 AM
Wow, I know you already know this but you needed a divorce like, yesterday. Wow.

Are there any legal aid clinics in your area? Maybe see if a law school around you has a program that could help you out.

At this point while a lawyer would be a VERY good idea, especially with regards to the financial and IRS damage he has caused you, I myself would rather just file and deal with the marital financial mess after the divorce than allow him to continue to further destroy you and your son's lives.
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by Ruby Member on Dec. 15, 2013 at 10:58 AM
This is exactly why you should have divorce him long ago. Sorry this happened :(
by Nora on Dec. 15, 2013 at 12:06 PM
I'm so sorry there are some attorneys that will take on pro bono cases start looking you need this guy out of your life asap
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by Gold Member on Dec. 15, 2013 at 12:56 PM

Call around and see if you can get a lawyer to do it pro bono or talk to legal aid in your area to see if they'll help. If not you need to do tons of research online and start writing out what you do and do't want your divorce to stipulate. You need to get in their asap and file before he causes more financial distress. The longer you stay married the worse it will get.

by on Dec. 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM

Thankyou ladies.  I know, I know.  I do need to deal with making the divorce legal.  I guess I am intimidated by the legal process. Of course the process of what has happened in life has not been a nice cup of tea.  It is seriously embarrassing that I am still separated without a divorce document.  I had a coworker and friend, who was separated from her spouse for a very very long time, and people would ask if she was going to the longest  separation record, and other gentle teasing.  I dreaded the day that I surpassed that friend;s record long separation.  I guess that I have that title now.  My state has a one year minimum before you can file, clearly I have satisfied that requirement already.  Anyhow, I am going to look into reduced price legal help, but I tried that before, the Georgetown univ. law students had some arrangement with the courts, but wow the treatment I had to deal with was beyond rude and insulting.  Wish me luck..

by Member on Dec. 16, 2013 at 11:23 AM

You should see if you qualify for your state's legal aid. I am at poverty level with the spousal support my ex provides and I qualify. I wont lie, It is sh** representation if you have a complicated case with an adversarial money driven ex with an expensive pitbull attorney and you wont have much to offer in way of the battle with these "free lawyers" but they can at least prepare the legal documents and help in that way. I wish I could afford a real lawyer, as I am treated like a welfare case and believe I lost custody due to their lack of representation, but at least all the legal paperwork which is required was done for me. And it sounds like you need help with that aspect as hes not putting up a fight for custody and spousal support like mine.

by Bronze Member on Dec. 16, 2013 at 6:36 PM

Sorry this happened to you... my ex also had some issues with the IRS simply because he under reported an IRA distribution in 2009....well he received a letter from the IRS in total of $13,000... then I received the same letter luckily since he decided to ignore the IRS since it was "joint tax return" he figured he would leave me holding the garnishment bag!!! NOT!!! I immediately filed Innocent spouse and when the IRS decided I was accountable also...I immediately filed an APPEAL and was willing to go to tax court if I had to. I filed a 13 entry two page document with the Appeals division of IRS and was granted  " Full Relief and do not have to pay back ONE DIME of that $13000 tax bill all without an attorney also :) and I support our daughter 100% on my own too

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