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Dealing with the dad

Posted by on Dec. 16, 2013 at 12:05 PM
  • 8 Replies

So, to make a long story short, my son's father isn't involved too much in my son's life. My son turns three in a few months and his dad only sees him for about two hrs a week. I really don't want him being involved more than that for various reasons. His dad is not fit to be a parent, but I do still want my son to knoww him and have a realtionship with him, so I scheduled visits (non-court ordered). His dad doesnt always come, his excuses always seem understandable but most the time word gets back to me that he was out drinking or something. He does pay court ordered child support (finally!). Me and my son's father don't have too great if a past, and the first year-two years of his life things weren't as civil as they are now and he messed up a lot more often (was in and out of his sons life, wouldn't buy things for him unless he got to see him, would attempt to get back with me, we'd fight over the custody topic, ect).

I'm curious, if anyone else is in a similar situation as mine, how do you handle the frustrating of dealing with the dad? I'm in a relationship now, and my bf is amazing. He's very understanding of his father needing to be around and is even very nice and welcoming to his dad in our home. But his dad continuously makes passes at me, won't show up for visits and then plays the victim and asks when he'll be able to have custody. He argues with me constantly, won't take no for an answer, drinks and parties still, and to make matters worse, my son is in the process of being diagnosed for autism and therefore he has issues dealing with new environments and routines, isn't keen to strangers, throws fits really easy (his dad has quite a a bit of a temper, so that worries me) and I have to have him on a strict diet to maintain his tempermant... my sons health reason alone are enough to make me not want him to go with his father anywhere alone, but his dad doesn't take this into account and refuses to. He constantly wants to take him to things that are steroetypical bonding things, like going to see Santa, but thsoe are triggers that send my son into a panicked frenzy but his dad is too selfish to realize this and just wants to "play daddy", I find myself so frustrated and wanting to yell at him, but I know I need to be the mature adult, its just so difficult.

Any moms out there in this situation have advice for me? Thanks!

by on Dec. 16, 2013 at 12:05 PM
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Replies (1-8):
amonkeymom
by Gold Member on Dec. 16, 2013 at 1:47 PM

Welcome!

I'm not in the same situation, but unless there is a court order for visitation in place (which I'd recommend you get), I'd tell him that until he educates himself about his child's health concerns and becomes consistant in visitation that it's not in your son's best interest to change the way things are currently.

Nwhite26
by on Dec. 16, 2013 at 3:47 PM
I like that response. It's very level headed I feel too emotionally affected by the situation to think of something that's straight to the point of the matter. Thank you!
heretolisten
by Bronze Member on Dec. 16, 2013 at 4:26 PM

I have to interject a query... why is your son in process of being diagnosed with autism?  What is he doing?  When did the father leave and when did the new boyfriend move in?  


Relative to the OP, regardless of autism or not, consistency and structure is very crucial in any child's life in these first several years.  I told my son's donor that if he can't be consistant, not to bother.  He chose the latter and I'm grateful for it.   

texasjen
by on Dec. 16, 2013 at 4:29 PM

You really need to get something court ordered ---- for the child's protection ----- I am the only parent that puts a foot forward to do any kind of co-pareting ..... he makes sure  that he does not keep a job, does drug, does not pay child support .... so he is digging his own hole with the child support but I do try to keep my kids protected. But they can see thru his BS - my youngest is 14, so they are pretty wise to his game

JamieBue38
by on Dec. 16, 2013 at 4:31 PM
My ex gets supervused visits every other month (not court ordered) and he seems to care less and less for DD. Are you and your bf serious and/or living together?
Nwhite26
by on Dec. 16, 2013 at 11:32 PM

I haven't reached out to the courts as far as visitations because I'm afraid he may be granted more because theres no way to really prove how much he parties and all the ways he DOESNT have his life together. My bf and are are very serious. We're talking about getting married. We've been together almost two yrs now, my son was exactly a year old when we first started seeing each other. My son's dad and I only dated a month or so when I found out I was pregnant. Obviously we were in no place to have a baby together, and it turns out he was in no place to be a parent, a boyfriend, or even an adult for that matter. The second he found out I was pregant he took off, starting parting more, told me to have fun taking care of my baby alone, ect ect. It wasn't until I was almost 9 months pregnant that he came back around claiming to be a changed person. 


And as far as the autism goes, his dr said he's showing signs of autism but has to be diagnosed by a specialist, which takes up to 6 months to get an appt. We had him see our counties early intervention and they approved him for several different therapies to help improve his delayed development. They also agree with the autism signs. So, its a waiting game for us. But yes, I agree, regardless of autism or not, structure is very important for a child! He turn 3 in 3 months, and he has yet to talk, and has so many other delays. The therapists are adament on him staying in a routine of therapies and habits to help his development, and his father isn't very helpful in that area. 

cjsmom1
by Gold Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 8:32 AM
It's important for both parents to be involved and I commend you for trying to keep things civil with your ex. I suggest emailing your ex updates and letting him make the choice about visiting. You can't make him grow up and be there.
LifeCafe42
by Nora on Dec. 18, 2013 at 11:53 AM
You can't force someone to be a parent. I would get it all legal through the courts but he's missing out on an awesome kid
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