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complicated

Posted by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 12:02 AM
  • 10 Replies
Hi, my name is ashley. Long story short I got pregnant and as soon as I found out I told him and he didn't want to be a father. We weren't together so we both moved on. I now have a beautiful 17 month old daughter. I joined this group because there's no one else I can talk to about how I feel. I'm single but my family helps out a lot with watching her while I work and go to school. This might sound horrible, but sometimes it doesn't feel like she's my daughter. I mean I know shes mine I gave birth to her, but its like all the happy moments that some of my friends who just had a baby feel, I don't get. Some of the time I get them, but mostly I don't. I love my daughter with all of my heart and I wouldn't change a thing. Its just raising a child trying to finish school cook clean the house its really hard and it overwhelms me. I just want so bad to feel connected to her and I feel like a horrible mother since I don't feel like I do. I just need help and advice on how to get through this and be connected and happy with my daughter. I don't have postpartum, and I'm a happy person, I just don't know why I don't feel like she's my everything.
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 12:02 AM
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Replies (1-10):
toughmommy
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 1:41 AM
1 mom liked this
Single parenthood is hard, getting everyone's basic needs met in itself is exhausting. I'm 28 now but when I was a teen, I had minimal help, I worked overnights, went to school, and took care of my kids. I had no one to talk to and I would be lying if I didn't say many times I felt my kids robbed me of my child/teen-hood (in fact I knew it was my choice and doing), there was no me time, no more so called friends,sometimes I resented my situation, I have always loved my kids but I think the situation is so taxing and you don't realize how much it takes out of you.
My advice is to be strict with your own goals that will put you in a better situation so you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and also as there is always so much to do...set aside time here and there to spend quality time with your girl.Even if its only an hour. Read to her, sing to her, and talk with her...or other. The disconnected feeling will pass with time, I think its perfectly natural to feel a little bit of disconnect but stick with it and do your best and you will have a good relationship with her in the future. Its worth it!!!!
My oldest is 11 and I have a 9 yr old I feel like we have a good relationship, I feel like we are a team getting through it all together and so do they.You are lucky to have the help from your family, I think that alone will be a huge factor in your future success. Good luck to you!!!
Musiq_Junkie
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 3:50 AM
I feel that same disconnect sometimes with my 2 y.o. Because of my hectic schedule with school i feel as of i dont get enough time w/ her.
mamalena137
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 11:30 AM

Not every woman has that instant connection with their child. I think now with being a single mother it is harder to feel that connection all the time. It's no longer easy to be a stay at home mom, so we miss things our children do. Don't feel like a bad mom, you're not the only one who's felt like this. Just remember you love her and you're doing what you have to to make both of your lives good.

amonkeymom
by Platinum Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 1:29 PM
2 moms liked this

You're not a bad mom, not at all.  You're a busy mom, with a lot going on and trying to care for a beautiful, but very dependant still, little girl.  

Don't compare yourself to what you *think* others do/feel.  You only see what's on the outside, or hear what they say but you don't know what's in their hearts.  

Try to do things that will connect the two of you more... read together at bedtime, do things that make her giggle and laugh, have fun.  Love her when she's crying and cheer her on when she's doing good.  

RonaH
by Bronze Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 2:50 PM

i completely felt that way. Its so much work its hard to not focus on the next thing that has to get done in the day and enjoy the fun parts of parenting. I still view a lot of the early years as a dream.

cjsmom1
by Group Admin on Jan. 8, 2014 at 2:52 PM

Welcome! When you have a lot on your plate it can be stressful. Once your load starts to lighten your mood will too

Saurusmom8
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 2:58 PM
This.

Quoting amonkeymom:

You're not a bad mom, not at all.  You're a busy mom, with a lot going on and trying to care for a beautiful, but very dependant still, little girl.  

Don't compare yourself to what you *think* others do/feel.  You only see what's on the outside, or hear what they say but you don't know what's in their hearts.  

Try to do things that will connect the two of you more... read together at bedtime, do things that make her giggle and laugh, have fun.  Love her when she's crying and cheer her on when she's doing good.  

anedmondson
by on Jan. 9, 2014 at 12:02 AM
Thank you very much ladies! I really needed that. I'm 26 and me, my daughter, dog, and 2 cats all live together cozy in our apartment... yes I have a big family. Sometimes the chores just overwhelm me and I think that if I can just get it all done then I can spend more time with her and connect with her. I clean and clean but my house is always a mess so I feel like I don't get anything accomplished. Its just really hard doing all of this on my own, yes my family helps, but its still just me.
Ridingsolo
by Bronze Member on Jan. 9, 2014 at 5:46 AM
You are not a bad mom! I understand how it is with all you have going on! I am almost always home with my son but do attend grad school three afternoons a week. Sometimes I find myself getting overwhelmed with the work and lose sight of doing as much with him as I might want to. He is 20 months.

It's not the same situation but I understand feeling so busy!

I think the best way to help yourself would be to set aside an amount of time each day to just freely play with your daughter. Force yourself even if you're busy, or you don't find playing fun. Overtime, you will develop a deeper bond if you actively ensure you have daily one on one time.

Good luck!
Ridingsolo
by Bronze Member on Jan. 9, 2014 at 5:49 AM
Quoting amonkeymom:

You're not a bad mom, not at all.  You're a busy mom, with a lot going on and trying to care for a beautiful, but very dependant still, little girl.  

Don't compare yourself to what you *think* others do/feel.  You only see what's on the outside, or hear what they say but you don't know what's in their hearts.  

Try to do things that will connect the two of you more... read together at bedtime, do things that make her giggle and laugh, have fun.  Love her when she's crying and cheer her on when she's doing good.  



Yes this! I read this after I replied. The only thing Id add is making sure you take time daily to connect, even if you are super busy. 20 minutes a day of quality time, freely playing or something with no pressure where you can just enjoy your daughters presence and she can enjoy yours, will go a long way.
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