I don't know if I am venting, whining or seeking advice, I just know I need something to change. I am turning 30 on Friday, and that has lead to some serious self-reflection. I am in no way where I pictured myself at this age and, try as I might, I can't seem to feel happy about where I am. There are some areas where I can take the reins and do something. like my weight and overall appearance. But in my youth I wanted to be a doctor (specifically a cardiologist), I wanted to go to college or grad school in VA and eventually settle down there. But I scared myself out of medicine, thinking I wasn't good enough in science. I scared myself out of college in VA thinking it was too far from my mom (even though literally all my other family is there, and I miss them so much it hurts every day). Then DD came about before grad school, which I ended up completeing in PA. And now I am in a custody situation that makes me feel like I am not a mom.
The immediate fixes are clear. Healthy eating and exercise, which might make me feel much better about myself in general. And moving. I temporarily moved in with my mother when I split from my ex and decided to go back to school; but now I am working and it is time to go. So those are easy and may help this feeling of discontent. But then there is the custody. Right now we have 50/50 custody, every other week. My "off" weeks I feel lost and have no clue what to do with myself. My "on" weeks I feel flustered and overwhelmed because there is so much I want to do with my LO and not enough time. Additionally, she has told both me and her dad that she thinks back and forth is confusing. I asked her about staying a long time with one of us and a little with the other, she said she liked it and would stay with me a long time (who knows what she would have said, though, if her father presented the option). He was in agreement when it first came up, then changed his mind and insists I am simply trying to take her from him and it isn't going to happen. We don't currently have a court order, and get along well enough that I don't want a trip to court to ruin that. Additionally, his family is is often able to be a bigger support than my mother and I don't want to burn that bridge...though i suspect it's his sister who changed his mind and convinced him I am being a bitch by proposing a custody change. He too lives at home, she has to share a room there with his older sister, and his mom does pretty much everything for her (he doesn't even read her a story before bed). And that leads to my getting the heck out this town. If he is fighting to keep her more in the same city and state, I can't imagine the fight if I tried to leave the state with her. I am convinced it will have to wait until she is in college, and by then a. I will likely have more kids I won't want to uproot and b. my mom will be almost 80 and I can't leave her. I am worried these will become my biggest regret.
I know that in the grand scheme of problems people have, these aren't big. But to me, right now, they are. Anyone ever go through any of this? Is it just 30th birthday blues? Sigh.