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Somethings Gotta Give

Posted by on Jan. 20, 2014 at 3:17 PM
  • 11 Replies

I don't know if I am venting, whining or seeking advice, I just know I need something to change.  I am turning 30 on Friday, and that has lead to some serious self-reflection.  I am in no way where I pictured myself at this age and, try as I might, I can't seem to feel happy about where I am.  There are some areas where I can take the reins and do something. like my weight and overall appearance.  But in my youth I wanted to be a doctor (specifically a cardiologist), I wanted to go to college or grad school in VA and eventually settle down there.  But I scared myself out of medicine, thinking I wasn't good enough in science.  I scared myself out of college in VA thinking it was too far from my mom (even though literally all my other family is there, and I miss them so much it hurts every day).  Then DD came about before grad school, which I ended up completeing in PA.  And now I am in a custody situation that makes me feel like I am not a mom. 

The immediate fixes are clear.  Healthy eating and exercise, which might make me feel much better about myself in general.  And moving.  I temporarily moved in with my mother when I split from my ex and decided to go back to school; but now I am working and it is time to go.  So those are easy and may help this feeling of discontent.  But then there is the custody.  Right now we have 50/50 custody, every other week.  My "off" weeks I feel lost and have no clue what to do with myself.  My "on" weeks I feel flustered and overwhelmed because there is so much I want to do with my LO and not enough time.  Additionally, she has told both me and her dad that she thinks back and forth is confusing.  I asked her about staying a long time with one of us and a little with the other, she said she liked it and would stay with me a long time (who knows what she would have said, though, if her father presented the option).  He was in agreement when it first came up, then changed his mind and insists I am simply trying to take her from him and it isn't going to happen.  We don't currently have a court order, and get along well enough that I don't want a trip to court to ruin that.  Additionally, his family is is often able to be a bigger support than my mother and I don't want to burn that bridge...though i suspect it's his sister who changed his mind and convinced him I am being a bitch by proposing a custody change.  He too lives at home, she has to share a room there with his older sister, and his mom does pretty much everything for her (he doesn't even read her a story before bed).    And that leads to my getting the heck out this town.  If he is fighting to keep her more in the same city and state, I can't imagine the fight if I tried to leave the state with her.  I am convinced it will have to wait until she is in college, and by then a. I will likely have more kids I won't want to uproot and b. my mom will be almost 80 and I can't leave her.  I am worried these will become my biggest regret. 

I know that in the grand scheme of problems people have, these aren't big.  But to me, right now, they are.  Anyone ever go through any of this? Is it just 30th birthday blues?   Sigh.

by on Jan. 20, 2014 at 3:17 PM
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Replies (1-10):
superdivamom727
by Bronze Member on Jan. 21, 2014 at 1:08 AM
Cheer up mama your only 30 !!!!.... yea its common to have the 30's blues.... but your still young lol ... you are as young as you feel.... im right behind you I just turned 28 in October !! But 30 is just another mile stone in life that needs to be celebrated !! "Dirty 30's" lol... I would love a trip to Italy for my 30th if I could get a good deal... im sure there things you wished that you did accomplish when you were In Your 20's but who said you can't accomplish them in your 30's .... don't be too hard on yourself !!!!.. look at it this ..way have you learn any life lessons in your 20's that you can take into your 30's ???... im sure you have matured as a women...a lot of women feel confident at this age ... they own their womanhood and sexuality... you know who you are a little bit more now that your in your 30's... but don't get it twisted this the time to get a little bit serious about what you want out of life and where you want to go...

Try to do some soul searching to figure out what you want to do and what your next steps in life should be... in our 20's we are supposed have fun and make mistakes and explore... but in our 30's we need to be alot more grounded...

Well i hope I got to cheer you up out of your blues !!... I would have fun and a lot of drinks!!

Happy 30th Birthday ! ...

Oh and about you daughter.... you should do whatever thats In her best interest !! But you should definitely get a Court order ! To protect your rights and your daughters rights....but thats great that you guys were able to some sort of a visitation agreement on y'all own...
nana776
by Member on Jan. 21, 2014 at 1:28 AM

I think this part of the 30 birthday blues. I just went through that myself, but it was because my SON was turning 30!!! Lol

Seriously though, this could be because you are approaching a milestone and we naturally tend to reflect on our goals we had. But feeling a little unsettled can be a good motivator too. Have a little faith in yourself, you will get where you need to be.

mz23
by Bronze Member on Jan. 21, 2014 at 2:02 AM
Im def reflecting and not happy where im at in my life tho im 22. Im not even thru with college no where close, so depressing b/c no career and even no job. I should have my life together by now :((shoot you wewent to grad school id love that. But I understand where your coming from. I hope you and your ex can come to an agreement and your dd can live with you "for the long part." That'dwould be hard aand its nice to be around family, support and love. I truly hope things work out for you. our problems may differ but I know what Iits like to not be where you thought you were at and im queen of things not working out.
mrsary
by Silver Member on Jan. 21, 2014 at 2:16 AM
Joint custody sounds nice!
woodstock525
by on Jan. 21, 2014 at 5:15 AM

First of all, I hear where you are coming from.  My advice to you (and I have an almost 30yo son) is that age is just a number; it's how you feel about yourself and your attitude that make a difference.  You are torturing yourself on the weeks that you don't have your dd.  Find something to do during that time!  Go to the library and start reading books on stuff that you want to learn about.  Sign up for craft classes at the local Michaels or JoAnn Fabrics or AC Moore.  Join a church and get involved in a singles group.  Join a local bowling league.  Do something to get yourself out of the house and involved in something.  

Your current arrangement in terms of custody has set the tone for any future changes.  I would be very concerned about that situation if I were you because since there is no custody order, there is nothing stopping biodad from taking your child and not returning her should you have a disagreement.  I would recommend a consult at least with an attorney over the current situation.  It would be one thing if your dd were spending weekends with your ex and had to share a room with someone much older, but it's quite another that she's spending weeks with no room to herself.  That may help you to get the CO established for EOW.  But, with all the family support on the other side, I would say that you'd probably have a difficult time getting a judge to allow you to move at this point.

If his sister is influencing him, then it's probably because you don't have a CO at this point and I would assume (correct me if I'm wrong) that if there is no CO, then there's no COd child support.  There could still be cs ordered even with 50/50 custody if your income is less than his and/or your expenses are higher.  Again, you need to consult with an attorney on your situation.  One thing you could have added to the CO is a right of first refusal (ROFR) so that if he is unable to watch the child for a certain period of time or longer (usually I think 4 hours or more), then before anyone else can watch her, he would have to offer her to you during that time.  Another thing is that if you keep the one week on, one week off, you could have time with your daughter at least one evening during the week that he has her.

Phillymama123
by Member on Jan. 21, 2014 at 8:56 PM
Thanks guys. I appreciate it. Luckily these snow days are during my week so we are getting extra time this week. I think it is birthday blues, but moving in our own place will help. Also, as for my medical dreams its not too late to use my degree in a medical setting but. ..school counselor = snow days. Can't beat that.

Slight side note but, the times I have talked with an attorney they stated avoiding court is a good thing, esp since our agreement is in writing. If anything they recommended a mediator. has anyone else heard that?
heretolisten
by Bronze Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 9:03 PM

Believe me .. you got time!!  Try starting over completely at 40 :)   LITERALLY!  

Pooge
by Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 9:20 PM
Yeah a mediator would be good...you have it in writing but that is not the same as a court order..so I would do that..
LifeCafe42
by Nora on Jan. 22, 2014 at 11:54 PM
1 mom liked this
I had them too so I decided to stay 29 it's been great!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Phillymama123
by Member on Jan. 23, 2014 at 12:03 PM
My mom asked what I wanted as a gift. I said a fake id that says 25.

Quoting LifeCafe42: I had them too so I decided to stay 29 it's been great!
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