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Too Good to be true: Need Advice Please (Dating)

Posted by on Jan. 20, 2014 at 6:29 PM
  • 20 Replies

I know alot of people are going to judge me on this but I need some advice. I just gave birth to a healthy baby boy. When I got pregnant my son father left me, he was horrible to me and was never involved in this pregnancy at all. When I was 4 months pregnant, I met a young man, he's 3 years younger than me, im 28 he's 25. He expressed that he liked me but I immediately told him I am pregnant. He was shocked but we remained friends. He knew about my son's father and how horrible he is to me. He was very supportive and basically stepped in as as a boyfriend should. He made sure I was ok, put up all the baby's furniture, took me out, even when I was well 9 months pregnant with a huge belly, he stood by my side. He wants a future with me and when he talks about the future he uses the word "We" . He knows I am not ready to be in a relationship yet. He never forces me to do anything I dont want to do. He was a complete gentleman. He doesnt hide anything from me, his life is a open book to me. He doesnt hide our relationship from people, in fact he lied to this girl at his school that I was his girlfriend and Im expecting his child, so she could leave him alone. People thought this guy was my boyfriend. He came to my shower, came early to help set up and stayed back late to help clean up. He would rub my tummy and my feet during my pregnancy. He got me a very nice, over priced gift for Christmas. My family likes him. I know he cares about me.

Now for the bad part, as my due date came closer, he started to change a little. He would ignore me if I mention anything about the father. He started to stare away from conversation about my son. Our conversations became less and he would sit on the phone and talk about himself but never asked much about how I was doing. When I gave birth he came to see afterwards but his attitude was just wierd. He acts like he doesnt want to be around me anymore. He says that he is giving me space because of the baby but this been going on before the baby. He still comes by to see me every now and then, and we have a date for this weekend....the baby is now 3 weeks old. I want a future with this guy but i feel his attitude is changing because he's jealous of my baby or he feels that I may get back with his father (his father been coming around since the baby born). He as expressed his concern about his fear that I will get back with my son's father. I am trying so hard to make him see that, nothing will change because of this baby, but its starting to take a toll on me and its emotionally exhausting. I feel like im putting 100% and he is pushing away the more I try. I have a young baby I cant deal with this along with dealing with my son's father. He was suppose to be supportive and he is not. He was the same guy who wanted to literally beat up my son's father for the way he treated me. He promised he would be there for me no matter what, but he is making post worst.

He also has so ways that concerns me, like the fact that he acts immature, he can be rude sometimes, the weed smoking, the fact that he doesnt show much respect for his mother, he seems to have a anger problem, he claims he is trying to change his past with the partying and disgusting girls, he gets jealous, and I feel that he sounds almost annoyed if I cant talk to him because of the baby or if I talk too much about the baby. He plays these little games to get me upset or to get a reaction out of me then he laughs and say....just kidding.

I need some advice....I have been in bad realtionships after bad relationships and now that I have a baby I dont want to do this the wrong way. Im new to motherhood and need your advice on how to proceed with this guy. My gut is telling me to just forget about him and focus on my son alone or just give him a chance, he is new to this and he may still want to be around. I am just filled with anxiety, sadness, and confusion, sometimes I feel like forgeting everyone and just focus on my son and I.

by on Jan. 20, 2014 at 6:29 PM
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Replies (1-10):
virginiamama71
by Carrie on Jan. 20, 2014 at 7:13 PM
7 moms liked this

 He also has so ways that concerns me, like the fact that he acts immature, he can be rude sometimes, the weed smoking, the fact that he doesnt show much respect for his mother, he seems to have a anger problem, he claims he is trying to change his past with the partying and disgusting girls, he gets jealous, and I feel that he sounds almost annoyed if I cant talk to him because of the baby or if I talk too much about the baby. He plays these little games to get me upset or to get a reaction out of me then he laughs and say....just kidding.

 

All the above foolishness is enough. Let him go and take care of yourself and the baby.

Saphira1207
by Member on Jan. 20, 2014 at 7:28 PM
2 moms liked this

 You've already answered your own question, you're just ignoring your own input.  Which is too bad, since listening to your instincts is how you avoid bad relationships in the first place.  Go with your gut.

Quoting kimmyb85:


I know alot of people are going to judge me on this but I need some advice. I just gave birth to a healthy baby boy. When I got pregnant my son father left me, he was horrible to me and was never involved in this pregnancy at all. When I was 4 months pregnant, I met a young man, he's 3 years younger than me, im 28 he's 25. He expressed that he liked me but I immediately told him I am pregnant. He was shocked but we remained friends. He knew about my son's father and how horrible he is to me. He was very supportive and basically stepped in as as a boyfriend should. He made sure I was ok, put up all the baby's furniture, took me out, even when I was well 9 months pregnant with a huge belly, he stood by my side. He wants a future with me and when he talks about the future he uses the word "We" . He knows I am not ready to be in a relationship yet. He never forces me to do anything I dont want to do. He was a complete gentleman. He doesnt hide anything from me, his life is a open book to me. He doesnt hide our relationship from people, in fact he lied to this girl at his school that I was his girlfriend and Im expecting his child, so she could leave him alone. People thought this guy was my boyfriend. He came to my shower, came early to help set up and stayed back late to help clean up. He would rub my tummy and my feet during my pregnancy. He got me a very nice, over priced gift for Christmas. My family likes him. I know he cares about me.

Now for the bad part, as my due date came closer, he started to change a little. He would ignore me if I mention anything about the father. He started to stare away from conversation about my son. Our conversations became less and he would sit on the phone and talk about himself but never asked much about how I was doing. When I gave birth he came to see afterwards but his attitude was just wierd. He acts like he doesnt want to be around me anymore. He says that he is giving me space because of the baby but this been going on before the baby. He still comes by to see me every now and then, and we have a date for this weekend....the baby is now 3 weeks old. I want a future with this guy but i feel his attitude is changing because he's jealous of my baby or he feels that I may get back with his father (his father been coming around since the baby born). He as expressed his concern about his fear that I will get back with my son's father. I am trying so hard to make him see that, nothing will change because of this baby, but its starting to take a toll on me and its emotionally exhausting. I feel like im putting 100% and he is pushing away the more I try. I have a young baby I cant deal with this along with dealing with my son's father. He was suppose to be supportive and he is not. He was the same guy who wanted to literally beat up my son's father for the way he treated me. He promised he would be there for me no matter what, but he is making post worst.

He also has so ways that concerns me, like the fact that he acts immature, he can be rude sometimes, the weed smoking, the fact that he doesnt show much respect for his mother, he seems to have a anger problem, he claims he is trying to change his past with the partying and disgusting girls, he gets jealous, and I feel that he sounds almost annoyed if I cant talk to him because of the baby or if I talk too much about the baby. He plays these little games to get me upset or to get a reaction out of me then he laughs and say....just kidding.

I need some advice....I have been in bad realtionships after bad relationships and now that I have a baby I dont want to do this the wrong way. Im new to motherhood and need your advice on how to proceed with this guy. My gut is telling me to just forget about him and focus on my son alone or just give him a chance, he is new to this and he may still want to be around. I am just filled with anxiety, sadness, and confusion, sometimes I feel like forgeting everyone and just focus on my son and I.


Baby5678
by Member on Jan. 20, 2014 at 9:24 PM
2 moms liked this
Forget him..you've got too much going on. If anyone is in your life right now they should be helping you and treating you and the baby really well. Anything else has to go. Time to refocus on just your and your precious new little baby! Congratulations!
cjsmom1
by Platinum Member on Jan. 20, 2014 at 10:36 PM
1 mom liked this
If there is a list of things you don't like and you're not even together then don't get together. It sounds like he isn't ready to take on a relationship with someone that just had a kid.
woodstock525
by on Jan. 21, 2014 at 6:01 AM
1 mom liked this

Run, don't walk away from this relationship.  I think you're hanging onto how good it felt in the beginning when he was doing all those nice things for you.  The relationship has changed and it's time for you to move on.  With all the negatives that you mentioned, do you want to raise your baby around all that?  I wouldn't.  

Another thing that I've discovered along the way....just a for what it's worth...I have discovered that it is very telling about a man in how he treats/refers to his mother.  The guys I've dated who have treated me the very best and have been the best themselves, have been the guys who have had great relationships with their mom's and have treated their mom's well.  Those who treated me like crap, either didn't have a good relationship with their mom's or claimed they did but didn't see them very often.  

The same thing goes for women.  Women I've known who have had bad relationships with their dad's (or no relationship) or who had mom's who constantly put their dad's down...they tend to treat their partner's like crap because that's how they've learned to treat men.

Ridingsolo
by Bronze Member on Jan. 21, 2014 at 6:12 AM

Don't go on your date this weekend.  Don't waste a single thought bubble on this guy.

He is definitely not long term potential.  Enjoy your baby!  The first year goes so quickly, and these moments are precious.  You will miss them when you are gone.

I wasted a lot of time on drama the first few weeks/months of my son's life.  While I was still physically taking care of him, I was not as emotionally present as I should have been. 

Cut the cord on the guy.  Good luck!

Sunshine257
by on Jan. 21, 2014 at 6:16 AM
1 mom liked this
I think you should focus on you and the little one.
xyxyxx
by Member on Jan. 21, 2014 at 8:55 AM
1 mom liked this

I got pregnant by a guy I was in a relationship with 9 years ago.  When I told him I was pregnant, he wanted to get married right away.  I refused, as I did not want to get married just because I was pregnant.  However, during my pregnancy he was attentive and sweet.  He went to all of my doctor's appointments, would rub my feet, buy me food I was craving and was just plain awesome.  I had my son in May and by August I married his father.  I thought to myself that he was so great while I was pregnant, maybe I could love him enough to change those small things that bothered me.  In December of the same year, I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd son.  He was totally different during that pregnancy.  He did nothing to support me.   We tried many things to make the marriage work, but those small things that bothered me before I got married to him ended up playing a huge role in our marriage (i.e. drinking too much, dependency on weed, anger issues, the way he treated his mom, etc).  We separated while I was pregnant with my daughter and it took me 4 years, 6 months, and 22 days to divorce him!  My divorce was final in October 2013.  I wish I had listened to my gut!  I wanted the family and did not want to be a single mom.  I can now say that the best decision I made for me and my children was to divorce their dad.  He was/is not the role model that I want for my kids.  I am lucky in that I have a lot of support from friends and family.  I would love to meet someone new and hope to in my future, but I can sincerely say if you know in your gut that he is not the one for you, listen to it...

DreamLoveBlooms
by Member on Jan. 21, 2014 at 10:16 AM

His attitude is enough for me to say stay away. The way he treats his mom is a good indication of how he's going to treat you. I would be afraid to have him around the baby after his mood changes. He's jealous of the baby that is for sure and will he take the anger out on him? If left alone I believe he will. Dump him and move on it's in yours and your sons best interest.

coopersmommy843
by on Jan. 21, 2014 at 10:28 AM
1 mom liked this

 He sounds like the same crap you've been dealing with with every other guy you've dated/been with. They sweep you off your feet and then they turn into their real selves when they think they have you.  Distance yourself some from him, just do you and your son and enjoy the time you two have together.  If you still want him in your life treat him as nothing more than a friend, but it's probably best to part ways and leave it at that.  Maybe he'll get his sh*t together and start acting more like an adult sometime soon (ie stop partying, being disrespectful towards him mother, etc) but you cannot expect him to grow up suddenly with you just because you had a baby, even if he was the father he wouldn't suddenly change like a mother does.  Keep your head up and don't let him get to you, he's going to do what he wants and he may not have been as ready as he thought when the baby arrived and he had to take a step back and evaluate or he might think you want some time and space and there's probably some jealousy in there too.

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