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Did you feel undatable after your divorce/separation? Piog

Posted by on Jan. 22, 2014 at 1:09 PM
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Did you feel undatable after your divorce? I don't post much about my personal life on here- but I'm going to put a little bit out there.
I've been single for almost two years. It's taken a long time for me to want to put myself back out there. The idea that maybe I do want to fall in love again, and get married, and build a life with someone is scary, but exciting. But then I think- what kind of man would want to take on this baggage? I have three little girls- so my guard is completely up. They're my priority. Always will be. I have no idea how to fit another person into that equation. I don't know how to open up to someone in that way. I have a lot of friends, but nothing has even teetered on becoming romantic since I've been single (and before that, obviously.)
I have a good, steady career, I'm responsible, I own my own home, my vehicle, I'm clean, can cook- lol. Lots of things desirable in a relationship later on, but I don't know that they're attention grabbers for men like they are for women. I'm not a VS model, but I'm pretty, and fun... And I'm not trying to toot my own horn- I'm just rambling a bit.
I guess my question is- if you found love again how did it come about, and how did you let your guard down enough to let it happen?
And just in case someone lectures me about wanting to date while I have children- no man would meet my children for at least six months after we'd been seriously dating, and unless I knew without a doubt that he was "the one."
by on Jan. 22, 2014 at 1:09 PM
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Replies (1-10):
krisnkids
by Gold Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 1:56 PM
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I wouldn't say undatable, but I did not have time to fit someone else into my life. I have 4 kids, full custody, 4, 7, 9 and 11 at the time of the divorce. Ex doesn't live close, family doesn't live close and they were too young to babysit eachother, so there was no real way to date without spending a fortune on babysitters.

Fastforward 5 years, still crazily busy, but kids are a bit older. I used to joke to my family that if God wanted me to have a boyfriend then he would have to drop him in my lap because of my crazy schedule. Well, I am now dating a single dad from my daughter's soccer team.

steviechick
by on Jan. 22, 2014 at 3:23 PM
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You aren't undatable by any means.  It's truly how you allow yourself to feel and you are ready to open up your heart to another man.  The first hurdle for me after being married for 26 years was to allow another man into my life and into my heart.  I finally did end up dating someone for a few months but along the way I knew he wasn't good for me and that I deserved a much better guy suited for me.  We broke up back in November and I'm now talking to a new guy.  We met on-line.  What we both wanted was to start off slow and build up a friendship.  We both have a lot in common and we can talk for hours.  He's very nice, personable, humorous and a good father to his two daughters.  All qualities that I'm looking for in a man.  I have a daughter in college so it's easier for me to date.  She's older and more mature and truly wants to see me happy and move on with my life.  She lived through an awful and very miserable marriage with her father and me.  She even told me that I should have divorced her father 11 years ago when he made my life so awful.  She's got my back and wants me truly happy.  

I was ready to move on and date a year after my divorce.  My ex and I had been separated from each other three years prior to us getting a divorce only due to him being active duty.  The less I saw of him the more it made me realize that I could live without him.  I think he actually helped me get adjusted to being divorced and him out of my life completely.  He was busy having an affair and creating children at the time (which I had no idea was going on).  So, when I look back at my circumstance my ex paved the way for me TO DATE. 

You have to remember that there are plenty of single dads out there going through the same we are going through and are looking for good women to date and eventually become their soulmates.  We single moms can't forget that we aren't alone in this world of dating.

Heath77
by on Jan. 22, 2014 at 4:43 PM
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No, I do not feel undatable, but I do have my guard up. I dated a nice man during my separation and so I know how I want and deserve to be treated so I am looking for someone like him. I have my life almost in control. I own a home, I pay my bills, I have nice friends and I am fun and attractive. I think these things like you stated above are very good qualites for attracting a professional, quality mate. I recently met one guy that seemed turned off by an independent woman with friends. I was also more educated than him and it did not work out. I don't want to be datable to someone like him though. My friends say look for a professional, older man. One of my exs wants to get back together, but wow I gave him a shot on Saturday and he has not changed at all. I want to get married again, but i want to be happy. He would not make me happy and I do not expect him to change who he is. He told me that I am looking for a fairytale husband, but I dated a good guy. They exist. I would say hang in there. A professional educated man will like the qualites you said you possess. An insecure man maybe intimidated. You are datable. Good luck. I think I get just as much attention as I did before I was married although now I have my guard up because I do not want to be in a relationship or get married just to be so. I want to be happy too and not lose all of this wonderful independence. I do not want to feel trapped or controlled. A confident man will find you datable. I have noticed a lot of men want all of my time, but single dads and professional men are just as busy too with kids and careers so that can work.Oh and I will update if I let my guard down. I met a nice man who my son knows on line, but I have not met him. I am scared it may work out. He lives by me and our kids are friends. I also almost let my guard down with my ex on Saturday, but I am glad I did not. Everyone said give him a chance he probably has changed. We have known each other at least 12 years. I am glad we did not have a serious talk and get back together like he wanted because after he acted like mr. wonderful in front of strangers and our friends he went back to his old self when we were alone and then said I was too hard on him and looking for too much, but I want to be happy. I have  been through a lot over the last years. I will just be alone till a great guy comes along. I will let my guard to the right man. I let my guard to the man i dated during my separation. It was hard, but I was able to do it so i can do it again, but it will have to be right. I can't settle for mr. just ok just to get married.

cjsmom1
by Platinum Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 6:14 PM
2 moms liked this

I don't feel undateable, but I don't feel ready to date. I think it's harder to date as a single mom because you have so much more to consider then just being a single woman. You have to think about finding a sitter, finding a man that's ok with you having kids, a man that's ready and willing to be a father figure to your kids.

LifeCafe42
by Nora on Jan. 23, 2014 at 12:03 AM
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I just don't put myself out there
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sid1083
by Silver Member on Jan. 23, 2014 at 12:12 AM
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Somedays I do, but it's a direct correlation to the amount of available time I have for someone else. It bothers me some days, not so much most of the time though.

At first, when BD left I was still pregnant and in no condition to date. I took the year following the boy's birth to get comfortable with my new family - and that did not include adding someone else to the mix. Now that I'm approaching 3 years of singledom it feels like it's harder to let anyone in, but I know that's my own fault.
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lulubird83
by Member on Jan. 23, 2014 at 10:21 AM
1 mom liked this

Same here. I have two kids. Who would want to take that on?

Singlemama52
by on Jan. 23, 2014 at 10:27 AM
1 mom liked this
I'm completely the same. I have my son full time, he goes to his dads one weekend a month.. so this man, would have to accept that I have full responsibility to my son, and know that he will always be first in my life.. He would also have to be wanting to be in it for the long run, and be a good male influence. I worry about dating due to the man I date will be around my son more than his father will, which is another reason I've stayed single. I do finally feel ready to put myself out there, and find love again. No man will ever come before my child and honesty finding someone isn't that important, but if it happens I'm not going to stop it.
newbie1198
by Member on Jan. 23, 2014 at 3:42 PM
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 It will be 2 years in April since my divorce and I have not dated.  At first when my heart was so broken and he married his mistress I did want to find someone to replace him just to show him that he could be replaced just as I was, but I quickly came to my senses.  My kids are my number one focus so of course I don't want to expose them to just anyone because I have a little girl and a teenage son and  between there schedules and working full time I'm busy and tired.  So I too have told my family and friends that if  I am to find love again I guess God will have to send him my way because I'm not out looking.

o.O....
by on Jan. 23, 2014 at 3:46 PM
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There's definitely a part of me that enjoys being alone- making choices without consulting anyone else, having my space, etc. so I'm definitely not out trying to change those things.

Quoting newbie1198:

 It will be 2 years in April since my divorce and I have not dated.  At first when my heart was so broken and he married his mistress I did want to find someone to replace him just to show him that he could be replaced just as I was, but I quickly came to my senses.  My kids are my number one focus so of course I don't want to expose them to just anyone because I have a little girl and a teenage son and  between there schedules and working full time I'm busy and tired.  So I too have told my family and friends that if  I am to find love again I guess God will have to send him my way because I'm not out looking.

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