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at What age does it become emotionally harmful?

Posted by on Jan. 22, 2014 at 1:16 PM
  • 34 Replies
First of all I have full physical custody of my son and we have joint legal.

About a week after I found out I was pregnant he admitted to me he was hooked on crystal meth and i have been done with him ever since. He did not complete the drug evaluation that he was ordered to when custody was established and has been to jail for drug charges and theft three times since our son was born. Once for four months, once for one month, and the other I believe was a month and a half.

He has a maximum of four hours supervised visitation per week and has seen our son about a total of 9 hours since he was born over a year ago. I was told my attorney that the only way to take away supervised visitations is if the father were a rapist or a murderer, it has to be something worse than drugs. On the rare occasion that we have a visit, the father has been reasonable and allowed me to stay and be present in the room along with the supervisor because he knows and admits that our son does not know him and will feel more comfortable having me there too. He doesn't want to make our son feel scared or uncomfortable and he hasn't seen him on a consistent basis to where our son could get used to him. 9 hours spread across the span of a year.


Anyway, my question is at what age is this going to emotionally confuse/damage my son ? his father has gone for six months without a word, and then saw him for an hour, and then disappeared another three months. I realize it's nearly impossible for me to reduce or take away his supervised visitation rights, so I just want to get advice on how to emotionally prepare my son and what to say to him and what age is my baby going to start getting affected by this? =(
by on Jan. 22, 2014 at 1:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
virginiamama71
by Carrie on Jan. 22, 2014 at 6:38 PM

 How old is your son?

mamalena137
by Bronze Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 6:41 PM
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I think once your son is old enough to understand and say he doesn't want to see his dad you can go back to court. I couldn't tell you at what age he will notice and feel harmed. He could realize something's wrong by 1 or not until he's in school. Hugs.

quickbooksworm
by Bronze Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 6:51 PM
1 mom liked this
In the eyes of the court, that behavior is not emotionally damaging. This is what my ex husband has been doing for going on 3 years. My son is 8 and it is starting to bother him. I'm going for full custody soon with visitation at my discretion.
ProudMama011613
by Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 6:52 PM
He just turned one.

Quoting virginiamama71:

 How old is your son?

ProudMama011613
by Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 6:57 PM
That's so sad, to be in the child's perspective and not know when or if daddy is going to see you and always wondering if he's going to come back. I'm so sad for my son I don't know what to say to him. Like when he's older and starts to get down about it all I can think of is just give him hugs and say I'm so sorry.. =(

Quoting quickbooksworm: In the eyes of the court, that behavior is not emotionally damaging. This is what my ex husband has been doing for going on 3 years. My son is 8 and it is starting to bother him. I'm going for full custody soon with visitation at my discretion.
Jenn8604
by Silver Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 7:10 PM
Nope because the judges and attorneys are ate up with dumb ass. They see nothing wrong with a dad not showing up for 4 years and then showing up and demanding the kid. My cousin had to let her dd go with her SPERM DONOR. She has a dad that is married to her mom and hadn't seen the sperm donor except when he stopped by his moms when she had the little girl (grandma took her for his weekends because he didn't want her, but grandma loved her *she died suddenly last yr thats why its past tense* and took her) and told his dd for her 2nd birthday that his mother dragged him to the party to call him by his name and stop calling him daddy. She's now almost 6 and has to see her sperm donor BC the courts say so.

Quoting quickbooksworm: In the eyes of the court, that behavior is not emotionally damaging. This is what my ex husband has been doing for going on 3 years. My son is 8 and it is starting to bother him. I'm going for full custody soon with visitation at my discretion.
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ProudMama011613
by Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 7:21 PM
I'm so sorry, that sounds so awful! What is there to do about emotionally being there for the child? Just lots of hugs and I'm sorrys? What helps the children of absent parents? Do you know of anyone who maybe took their child to therapy to talk about it? I just know it's going to be a rough road ahead for my son and his drug addicted father, so I'm just wondering how I will be able to help my son?

Quoting Jenn8604: Nope because the judges and attorneys are ate up with dumb ass. They see nothing wrong with a dad not showing up for 4 years and then showing up and demanding the kid. My cousin had to let her dd go with her SPERM DONOR. She has a dad that is married to her mom and hadn't seen the sperm donor except when he stopped by his moms when she had the little girl (grandma took her for his weekends because he didn't want her, but grandma loved her *she died suddenly last yr thats why its past tense* and took her) and told his dd for her 2nd birthday that his mother dragged him to the party to call him by his name and stop calling him daddy. She's now almost 6 and has to see her sperm donor BC the courts say so.



Quoting quickbooksworm: In the eyes of the court, that behavior is not emotionally damaging. This is what my ex husband has been doing for going on 3 years. My son is 8 and it is starting to bother him. I'm going for full custody soon with visitation at my discretion.
quickbooksworm
by Bronze Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 7:55 PM
The courts are interested in protecting the rights of the parents rather than the rights of the child. That's all there is to it. And the courts are very deadbeat friendly. Deadbeats will disappear for years then threaten to put CP in jail (and sometimes do) for violating a court order. However, NCPs are not court ordered to actually see their children. It is very one sided.

Quoting Jenn8604: Nope because the judges and attorneys are ate up with dumb ass. They see nothing wrong with a dad not showing up for 4 years and then showing up and demanding the kid. My cousin had to let her dd go with her SPERM DONOR. She has a dad that is married to her mom and hadn't seen the sperm donor except when he stopped by his moms when she had the little girl (grandma took her for his weekends because he didn't want her, but grandma loved her *she died suddenly last yr thats why its past tense* and took her) and told his dd for her 2nd birthday that his mother dragged him to the party to call him by his name and stop calling him daddy. She's now almost 6 and has to see her sperm donor BC the courts say so.



Quoting quickbooksworm: In the eyes of the court, that behavior is not emotionally damaging. This is what my ex husband has been doing for going on 3 years. My son is 8 and it is starting to bother him. I'm going for full custody soon with visitation at my discretion.
quickbooksworm
by Bronze Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 7:56 PM
1 mom liked this
I just keep mine busy. He is in karate, we go to the theme parks (Orlando residents), and he doesn't have time to miss his dad or miss out.

Quoting ProudMama011613: That's so sad, to be in the child's perspective and not know when or if daddy is going to see you and always wondering if he's going to come back. I'm so sad for my son I don't know what to say to him. Like when he's older and starts to get down about it all I can think of is just give him hugs and say I'm so sorry.. =(



Quoting quickbooksworm: In the eyes of the court, that behavior is not emotionally damaging. This is what my ex husband has been doing for going on 3 years. My son is 8 and it is starting to bother him. I'm going for full custody soon with visitation at my discretion.
heretolisten
by Bronze Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 8:26 PM
1 mom liked this

Does he pay child support?  Was the order set up at the time of intiating child support?  Did he pursue the visitation order?   Because from what I understand, parenting time often offsets the cost of child support.  If he is not consistant with his visits, he's not being a father.  I really don't know why you can't take this back to court to revise the order to sole legal custody with open graduated order of supervised visitation that is consistant and drug free and if he is unable to meet this over a 90 day period of time, then you would win sole legal and physical and he would lose parenting time.  Is that an option?  Could you discuss this with an attorney?  I certainly would. I'm so grateful my son's donor walked before he turned a year because by 18 months he became aware of who he met/saw and formed certain desires (want to go see so-and-so again, etc.).  I couldn't imagine my son learning that stranger was "daddy"...who came so inconsistantly.  It's obvious the fool doesn't want to be a father so let him pay and walk away. Best thing he can do for the child by giving him security and stability in life.  


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