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how to maintain distance??

Posted by on Jan. 24, 2014 at 6:09 AM
  • 9 Replies

So, I have been single since May of last bf of 8 years came and told me that he was not in love with me anymore, that he didn't feel the "need" to be with me. I can't fault him for the way he feels but it just sucked, because I didn't feel the same. Emotionally it was so hard on me, made me feel like my dreams of a family were just going down the drain. Mostly I have been sad for our son, who is 7. I worry how this will end up effecting him.

So his dad and I are still living together, to finish out our lease and then we plan on finding separate places. Or at least, I THOUGHT we were planning on that, until he comes and asks me if I would move in to his mom's house with him, "as friends" to help her with her mortgage because she's in danger of foreclosure. Now, I love his mom and we are close, so that really wouldn't be too much of an issue. But I just don't know what to think about it! I feel like he keeps trying to maintain that we aren't together, but he keeps trying to keep me close. I don't understand at all. He even has a new girlfriend, and brings her (and her kid) around. I am trying to be happy for him that he is happy, but it is so hard. He's not a malicious person, just incredibly selfish, so idk if he realizes  how much it bothers me that he brings this new girl around our son. I am not a huge fan of her personality, and I don't see her as a good influence on our son. 

His dad continues to be confusing...the other night he got upset that I wasn't hanging out with him watching a movie, so he went for a run which is what he does when he's butthurt, and he posted the lyrics from a Sublime song on his facebook page "She spreads her lovin' all over and when she gets done there's none left for me..." I just don't know how to read all of this, at all. He says we're through but he acts like a jealous lover, then distant, then back again. Every day is starting to feel like a roller coaster and I just want to show my son some stability. :( 

by on Jan. 24, 2014 at 6:09 AM
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by on Jan. 24, 2014 at 7:03 AM
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He wants his cake and to eat it too. I would say no get your own place. This may be to much info but are you still sleeping with him? My ex and I spilt and I lived in his home (oilfield) so he was gone quite often.. Well in the end he called me up one day and just told me to get out!!! I was left with looking for a place to go.. He had no care in the world and when he was home a weekish later he had a girl there :/
by on Jan. 24, 2014 at 12:29 PM
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Personally I think what he is asking you to do is disrespectful. If he has moved on, there is no reason to rub it in your face on a daily basis with the new gf while continuing to live together. I get finishing out the lease for now, but certainly not after the lease. If he wants to be done, then be done.

by on Jan. 24, 2014 at 12:34 PM

I understand liking his mom and wanting to help out, but for your own sanity you need to put that distance between you and his family.  Definitely don't move in with his mom AND him.  Not a good idea hun, not for you, and you and your feelings matter.

by Group Admin on Jan. 24, 2014 at 10:40 PM

It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I wouldn't move in to his moms because that's only going to hurt you in the long run.

by on Jan. 24, 2014 at 11:19 PM
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Don't take this the wrong way, but your an idiot. like one of the comments said I bet your still having sex with this guy, your not worried about your son not having his dad around your worrying about yourself! move on the guy dose not love you if he did he wouldn't show such disrespect like rubbing his new girlfriend in your face, why would you even consider moving in with his mom, do you really want to keep tabs on what him and his new girlfriend are doing, are you that desperate for his affections. When the lease is up move out and move on with your life, this guy will always be your son dad, as long as he takes care of your son, stop torturing yourself, god made billions of guys why are you wasting time on one heartless piece of crap! you deserve better, good luck.

by Carrie on Jan. 24, 2014 at 11:23 PM
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 I hope the lease ends soon so you can both move on.

Has his Mother thought of renting out a room to help herself?

by Bronze Member on Jan. 25, 2014 at 12:34 AM
Lol girl my mouth hit the floor when you said your ex brings his new gf with her kid to the house you guys share ..... THATS A HUUUUUGGGGGEEEEE NNNNNOOOOOO-NOOOOO ... no go your separate way his mom can figure it out !! Or he and his new girlfriend can figure it out !!!! .... you do you... and be there for your son !!!
by Queen24Princes on Jan. 25, 2014 at 12:43 AM
I agree with the previous posters.
by on Jan. 25, 2014 at 8:05 AM

I suppose I can understand finishing out the lease. But do not  move in with him and his mother. Big mistake. If she needs help paying her mortgage, she can rent out bedrooms to other people, or her son can help her by herself. It's not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to provide your own child with a roof over his head and some stability - and he may have the roof right now, but he doesn't have the stability. I'm not sure how old your son is, but based on you mentioning the girlfriend's influence, I'm betting he's somewhat young. Probably young enough that he's pretty confused by Mom and Dad still living in the same house, and Dad bringing home a new woman.

Finish the lease, and find your own place. Let your ex find his own place or move in with his mother or whatever he wants to do. Let him see your son, don't interfere in their relationship, and only speak to your ex about your child - nothing else. No discussion of relationships, his or yours, unless it's because one of you is seeing someone that he/you want to introduce to your son. Other than that, strictly business, so to speak.

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