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Built up hate...

Posted by on Feb. 4, 2014 at 11:48 PM
  • 22 Replies

I have never been one for confrontation, always easy going and have always been one to let people walk all over me without any grudges. My ex and I have been apart for almost 2years now and i have this built up hatred for him and his girlfriend ( she was my bestfriend). I don't know how to get past this. My mom keeps telling me i need to start dating but i don't want a man in my life right now. it wouldn't be fair to anyone until i can get me situated. how long did it take you ladies to get over your ex? fully recover? i thought after 2 years it would be all better but i still have days i just want to curl up under my blanket and hide. 

by on Feb. 4, 2014 at 11:48 PM
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TurtleDoveLove
by Member on Feb. 4, 2014 at 11:49 PM
Your ex left you for your Bestfriend ? And they are together now ?

Quoting SpurgeonMom:

I have never been one for confrontation, always easy going and have always been one to let people walk all over me without any grudges. My ex and I have been apart for almost 2years now and i have this built up hatred for him and his girlfriend ( she was my bestfriend). I don't know how to get past this. My mom keeps telling me i need to start dating but i don't want a man in my life right now. it wouldn't be fair to anyone until i can get me situated. how long did it take you ladies to get over your ex? fully recover? i thought after 2 years it would be all better but i still have days i just want to curl up under my blanket and hide. 

SpurgeonMom
by Member on Feb. 4, 2014 at 11:58 PM

yeah, they started screwing around together before he left me. i was unaware of it all because of how much i trusted them both. She had told him a lot of lies about me cheating on him.  worst part is she has her daughter calling him daddy she is 8 and has a dad around and they are trying to get my kids to call her mommy. she moved in with him a few weeks ago 

Quoting TurtleDoveLove: Your ex left you for your Bestfriend ? And they are together now ?

Quoting SpurgeonMom:

I have never been one for confrontation, always easy going and have always been one to let people walk all over me without any grudges. My ex and I have been apart for almost 2years now and i have this built up hatred for him and his girlfriend ( she was my bestfriend). I don't know how to get past this. My mom keeps telling me i need to start dating but i don't want a man in my life right now. it wouldn't be fair to anyone until i can get me situated. how long did it take you ladies to get over your ex? fully recover? i thought after 2 years it would be all better but i still have days i just want to curl up under my blanket and hide. 

 

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 12:19 AM
1 mom liked this
It took me a long time. It wasn't that I wanted him. It's that I had my own issues. Probably 10 years. But I am atypical.
TurtleDoveLove
by Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 12:24 AM
1 mom liked this

I am sorry this happened to you.  Something very similar happened to me.  Except it was my ex "best friend" he cheated and left me and our daughter for.  Its still recent but I am doing better.  The way I see it is you accept it and accept them for what they are.  They will find out in the long run what they did to you was wrong and hurtful.  But you have got to move on with your life for the sake of your child.  The way I did it was not having any communication with my ex at all.  I cut him completely off.  When he sees our child it is supervised with my nanny or family member. If he has to contact me for anything he has to email me.  He can not call or text me he is blocked.  My situation is just a few months old.  I have my days when I am sad..but most of the time I am getting better.  Dont hate anyone because that energy is just something your giving off and will come back to you.  Its not easy but you have to accept it.  Why cry and hate a person who could leave you like that... they are not worth it.  That is not love.  I have no plans on dating so soon,  and that isn't the answer.  I think if you just focus on you and your child and start building on yourself and making a foundation for you guys , you will see how better off you are without him.  So cut him off as much as you can.  No Facebook, not calls.  Makes arrangements for visitations so that you don't see him.  Then once you are over it you will be able to see him and it wont bother you.  but now you need to heal.  Its going on 2 years and you wasted that time, and don't waste anymore time.  They are not worth it and in time you will see.  What goes around comes around.



Quoting SpurgeonMom:

yeah, they started screwing around together before he left me. i was unaware of it all because of how much i trusted them both. She had told him a lot of lies about me cheating on him.  worst part is she has her daughter calling him daddy she is 8 and has a dad around and they are trying to get my kids to call her mommy. she moved in with him a few weeks ago 

Quoting TurtleDoveLove: Your ex left you for your Bestfriend ? And they are together now ?

Quoting SpurgeonMom:

I have never been one for confrontation, always easy going and have always been one to let people walk all over me without any grudges. My ex and I have been apart for almost 2years now and i have this built up hatred for him and his girlfriend ( she was my bestfriend). I don't know how to get past this. My mom keeps telling me i need to start dating but i don't want a man in my life right now. it wouldn't be fair to anyone until i can get me situated. how long did it take you ladies to get over your ex? fully recover? i thought after 2 years it would be all better but i still have days i just want to curl up under my blanket and hide. 



mytrueloveS
by Lori on Feb. 5, 2014 at 1:02 AM
4 years. During that time we were dating, took me time to realize he wasn't worth it. When I left him, got over it right away.
wendythewriter
by Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 8:01 AM
1 mom liked this

I think you're probably finding it more difficult because you didn't just lose a boyfriend (or husband, not sure which he was), but you also lost your best friend. So you're dealing with two separate, very painful situations here, and being confronted with both of them whenever you have to deal with them for the kids sake.

It's going to take time. Maybe a really long time. It's normal for it to take a long time. It might be taking longer for you, but that doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with you or that it's taking too long.

The only thing I would suggest you consider is whether or not you are causing yourself continued pain. Do you keep reminding yourself of what they did? Like remembering exactly how you found out about their affair, reminding yourself before you see them to exchange the kids that they betrayed you, etc? If you're reliving what happened on a regular basis, you might be keeping it more fresh and alive than it would otherwise be, which is going to make it take longer for you to heal. If you're doing thta, then the first step to healing would be to stop reminding yourself constantly of what happened. Easier said than done, I know, but it's something that has to happen.

krisnkids
by Silver Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 9:01 AM

My ex married my friend and nanny 6 weeks after our divorce was final. He said "there's nothing going on" the numerous times I asked/accused him about it while we were fighting to keep our marriage together. Yeah, anyways.

First you need to recognize your ex for what he is, make a list of the things you don't like about him and what your are thankful that you no longer have to deal with. Trust me, this list will be long if you put some thought into it. Look at the list whenever you get down.

Second, get out and enjoy life. That does not mean you need to go crazy on dating. Make new friends, do things you never thought of doing before, enjoy being single, enjoy having your little one. If you sit at home and sulk he is winning. You getting out and having fun in life again, you will win.


Callaly
by Jessica on Feb. 5, 2014 at 12:35 PM

 It can take time, and I think more so because of your situation with your ex best friend and your ex being together.

Just feel what you have to feel, and don't rush yourself. Maybe try to go on a date just to get some self confidence back... It helps to feel wanted by another man, not saying that you need to have sex or mentally prepair yourself to seriously dating but just a date, and feel better about yourself!

sid1083
by Silver Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 1:01 PM

It took me about 2 years . . . but because I was tired of always being hateful I went to see a counselor. The negative effects were bleeding into other areas of my life. Love your child more than you hate their father . . . best advice I ever got.

Miss_Magnolia.
by Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 4:11 PM
I left my ex it took him about a year or so that I could tell. He still has hate for me and brings it up sometimes
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