Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

How did you handle finances during your engagement?

Posted by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 8:50 AM
  • 17 Replies

My fiance and I have been together for 8 years.  We got engaged in 2012.  If I wait for him, it will be an 8 year engagement.  Is it fair for me to want to discuss our finances and make large purchase decisions together now?  We are arguing because I want to feel we are in a stronger relationship than dating with a ring, he wants to keep all things separated until we get married.  We are, and have been, in a long distance relationship - an hour apart.

by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 8:50 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
virginiamama71
by Carrie on Feb. 5, 2014 at 8:53 AM
2 moms liked this

 I agree with him and would keep finances separate.

I would also keep finances separate when married.

sid1083
by Silver Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 1:06 PM
2 moms liked this

Um if you've been together that long already, how have finances NOT been part of any discussion? Just because you keep your money separate doesn't mean you shouldn't have already been talking about money.

wannamoveon
by Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 2:15 PM

We have discussed finances, we just don't agree.  I told him that I have felt that if you are going to keep everything separate then why get married.  So he changed his mind (once we are married in 6 more years). We used to take turns paying for things and all in all worked out pretty close to even.  We both used to have to watch our spending, but he has always made more.  He has helped me out financially when I've needed him to.  Now he has inherited money and paid off his credit card bills (great for him, I don't have over $500 in cc debt) has purchased a brand new camaro, a brand new truck and taking his child on a $8 - $10 thousand dollar vacation.  So I told him I felt like it was a little extreme and that he should continue to watch his spending.  I also told him that I thought we were all going to start doing things as a family now that we were engaged (for almost 2 years now) and could still have a great vacation together and spend less.  It has also gotten to be a sensitive subject because I may be loosing my child support and have trouble paying my bills and getting by, while he lives the life of the rich and famous without me.  (It wasn't that large of an inheritance). I've tried to tell him that I want to feel like we are making decisions together and living the same lifestyle and he wants no part of it.  I would not be this way towards him if the situation was reversed. 

superdivamom727
by Bronze Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 2:25 PM

Joint accounts can get ugly !!! Listen to him !!

Quoting virginiamama71:

 I agree with him and would keep finances separate.


I would also keep finances separate when married.

virginiamama71
by Carrie on Feb. 5, 2014 at 2:27 PM
1 mom liked this

 I think you should follow your screen name.wink mini

Quoting wannamoveon:

We have discussed finances, we just don't agree.  I told him that I have felt that if you are going to keep everything separate then why get married.  So he changed his mind (once we are married in 6 more years). We used to take turns paying for things and all in all worked out pretty close to even.  We both used to have to watch our spending, but he has always made more.  He has helped me out financially when I've needed him to.  Now he has inherited money and paid off his credit card bills (great for him, I don't have over $500 in cc debt) has purchased a brand new camaro, a brand new truck and taking his child on a $8 - $10 thousand dollar vacation.  So I told him I felt like it was a little extreme and that he should continue to watch his spending.  I also told him that I thought we were all going to start doing things as a family now that we were engaged (for almost 2 years now) and could still have a great vacation together and spend less.  It has also gotten to be a sensitive subject because I may be loosing my child support and have trouble paying my bills and getting by, while he lives the life of the rich and famous without me.  (It wasn't that large of an inheritance). I've tried to tell him that I want to feel like we are making decisions together and living the same lifestyle and he wants no part of it.  I would not be this way towards him if the situation was reversed. 

 

wannamoveon
by Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 3:12 PM

I am curious those of you that say keep things separated....Do you have the same incomes as your finaces/spouses?

Mine is living a much different lifestyle than I am.  I am worried that I may be coming into a situation where I will need help and he isn't going to be there to help me.  Although He has told me that if he has helped me in the past he will be there to help me out now and stop worrying about it.  He has also told me to cut back my spending and budget because he can't afford to pay my bills.  I just don't know how I feel with him buying all those things and me having to give up cable.  (I don't live a lavish lifestyle and there are not much areas I can cut back in) Should I get over the fact that we are living different lifestyles?  I'm not asking him to add my name to his bank accounts.  I just want him to help me out of a bind if I get into one.  I also don't want to be left out of vacations and large purchasing decisions. 

 

virginiamama71
by Carrie on Feb. 5, 2014 at 3:32 PM

 When i was married we never shared a bank account. Bills were still paid.

Quoting wannamoveon:

I am curious those of you that say keep things separated....Do you have the same incomes as your finaces/spouses?

Mine is living a much different lifestyle than I am.  I am worried that I may be coming into a situation where I will need help and he isn't going to be there to help me.  Although He has told me that if he has helped me in the past he will be there to help me out now and stop worrying about it.  He has also told me to cut back my spending and budget because he can't afford to pay my bills.  I just don't know how I feel with him buying all those things and me having to give up cable.  (I don't live a lavish lifestyle and there are not much areas I can cut back in) Should I get over the fact that we are living different lifestyles?  I'm not asking him to add my name to his bank accounts.  I just want him to help me out of a bind if I get into one.  I also don't want to be left out of vacations and large purchasing decisions. 

 

 

virginiamama71
by Carrie on Feb. 5, 2014 at 3:35 PM

 If this man says he cannot afford to pay your bills and you feel he will not help you financially or include you in activites that are family related maybe you should not marry him and continue to live like you both have been living for the past 8 years.

Quoting wannamoveon:

I am curious those of you that say keep things separated....Do you have the same incomes as your finaces/spouses?

Mine is living a much different lifestyle than I am.  I am worried that I may be coming into a situation where I will need help and he isn't going to be there to help me.  Although He has told me that if he has helped me in the past he will be there to help me out now and stop worrying about it.  He has also told me to cut back my spending and budget because he can't afford to pay my bills.  I just don't know how I feel with him buying all those things and me having to give up cable.  (I don't live a lavish lifestyle and there are not much areas I can cut back in) Should I get over the fact that we are living different lifestyles?  I'm not asking him to add my name to his bank accounts.  I just want him to help me out of a bind if I get into one.  I also don't want to be left out of vacations and large purchasing decisions. 

 

 

wannamoveon
by Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 3:59 PM

 

Quoting virginiamama71:

 If this man says he cannot afford to pay your bills and you feel he will not help you financially or include you in activites that are family related maybe you should not marry him and continue to live like you both have been living for the past 8 years.

Quoting wannamoveon:

I am curious those of you that say keep things separated....Do you have the same incomes as your finaces/spouses?

Mine is living a much different lifestyle than I am.  I am worried that I may be coming into a situation where I will need help and he isn't going to be there to help me.  Although He has told me that if he has helped me in the past he will be there to help me out now and stop worrying about it.  He has also told me to cut back my spending and budget because he can't afford to pay my bills.  I just don't know how I feel with him buying all those things and me having to give up cable.  (I don't live a lavish lifestyle and there are not much areas I can cut back in) Should I get over the fact that we are living different lifestyles?  I'm not asking him to add my name to his bank accounts.  I just want him to help me out of a bind if I get into one.  I also don't want to be left out of vacations and large purchasing decisions. 

 

 

That is the discussion we are having - he is deciding if he wants to let me be more a part of things, wants to just keep dating, or wants to break up with me because I want to much...I"m just trying to work out all of these emotions I am feeling.   Should I let him be the one to decide?  I think I would be okay with just dating instead of feeling like we are not realy engaged or planning our futures together.  I just don't know what I want.  I would rather just be dating instead of feeling so excluded from all of his choices.  Being engaged I can't help feeling entitled to a secure future.  Dating I can expect no guarantee he wants me foreever.  Being engaged I feel like we should be doing more together than just hooking up on the weekends.  He has financial security and I want to feel the same way.  I'm not saying go out and spend his money, just want to feel like I don't have to worry about being able to pay my bills when he doesn't have to.

sid1083
by Silver Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 4:02 PM
2 moms liked this
When I was married, we combined finances. If I ever get married again, I will NOT combine finances. But while we may not mix money, it doesn't mean we shouldn't be on the same page with the financial decisions. If we don't match financially, I wouldn't marry the guy - money is a huge reason couples fight and I'd like to take that out of the equation as much as possible.

Quoting wannamoveon:

I am curious those of you that say keep things separated....Do you have the same incomes as your finaces/spouses?


Mine is living a much different lifestyle than I am.  I am worried that I may be coming into a situation where I will need help and he isn't going to be there to help me.  Although He has told me that if he has helped me in the past he will be there to help me out now and stop worrying about it.  He has also told me to cut back my spending and budget because he can't afford to pay my bills.  I just don't know how I feel with him buying all those things and me having to give up cable.  (I don't live a lavish lifestyle and there are not much areas I can cut back in) Should I get over the fact that we are living different lifestyles?  I'm not asking him to add my name to his bank accounts.  I just want him to help me out of a bind if I get into one.  I also don't want to be left out of vacations and large purchasing decisions. 


 

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)