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I am not sure if she is testing me or something else is going on.

Posted by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 12:46 PM
  • 15 Replies

 My very sweet 4 year old has turned into a defiant creature and I dont know what is going on.

She has tested me before, and I can normally tell but nowadays its more then that. Monday she was very mean to her friends at daycare and had a horrible attitude and didn't want to eat. Tuesday she colored on the walls at daycare (she has NEVER does this) and when I calmly confronted her, she lied about it. She says things like Stop talking to me like that (when Im talking to her sternly about something she shouldn't be doing) She tells me that she is mad all the time. When she asked me to turn up the radio today and I told her no it was loud enough she told me she was leaving and never coming back, when I asked her where she planned to go she told me her dads (I know this is more of a normal thing to say but already at her age?!)

I don't know how to handle the attitude that is being thrown at me (I will call her name and she will said WHAT loud and with 100% attitude) I don't know how to confront her about it and tell her that she isn't supposed to be speaking to me like that.

I have shared custody with her dad, and he tells me that she is an angel when she is there.

by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 12:46 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Amy1973Potts
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 2:41 PM
Get that crap under control. Soon.

Does dad have a new girlfriend?
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SpurgeonMom
by Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 2:42 PM
Have you thought about therapy to cope? My kids ages 4,6,7,8 all go and have noticed a huge difference in attitude. How long have you guys been separated? Are you on the same page when it comes to discipline and routines and yours and his place? Have you tried asking her why she is so angry?
Callaly
by Jessica on Feb. 5, 2014 at 2:45 PM

 We don't talk about personal affairs with eachother, its strickly about DD and thats it.

Quoting Amy1973Potts: Get that crap under control. Soon.

Does dad have a new girlfriend?

 

Callaly
by Jessica on Feb. 5, 2014 at 2:46 PM

 We have been seperated as long as she can remember, its been 3 years and she just turned 4.

When I ask her whats wrong she says "Just because!!" super angry. There is nothing that has changed lately.

Quoting SpurgeonMom: Have you thought about therapy to cope? My kids ages 4,6,7,8 all go and have noticed a huge difference in attitude. How long have you guys been separated? Are you on the same page when it comes to discipline and routines and yours and his place? Have you tried asking her why she is so angry?

 

SpurgeonMom
by Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 2:51 PM
Something is going on and she is either not comfortable or afraid of hurting someone's feelings. With my 4 year old we are focusing on getting him to express his feelings to lower outbursts, impulsive actions they know are wrong and learn the right way to deal with an upsetting situation. When she is calmed down you are calm sit and have a heart to heart talk with her. Also for these actions need to be consequences every time she does something negative and reward the positive

Quoting Callaly:

 We have been seperated as long as she can remember, its been 3 years and she just turned 4.


When I ask her whats wrong she says "Just because!!" super angry. There is nothing that has changed lately.


Quoting SpurgeonMom: Have you thought about therapy to cope? My kids ages 4,6,7,8 all go and have noticed a huge difference in attitude. How long have you guys been separated? Are you on the same page when it comes to discipline and routines and yours and his place? Have you tried asking her why she is so angry?

 

wendythewriter
by Bronze Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 3:18 PM

I'd ask him anyway. And I'd put it in a way that makes it clear  you're not trying to be nosy.

"Her behavior is very strange for her and I'm trying to think of anything that could explain it. I've talked to the daycare and there's no changes there. I can't think of anything in my home. Do you have any changes that might be affecting her? A new roommate, girlfriend, hours at work, anything like that?"

Quoting Callaly:

 We don't talk about personal affairs with eachother, its strickly about DD and thats it.

Quoting Amy1973Potts: Get that crap under control. Soon.

Does dad have a new girlfriend?

 


Heath77
by on Feb. 6, 2014 at 7:01 AM
My son gets like that with me a lot and I had to chuckle because when I tell my ex he says my son is a perfect angel with him too. Good luck. It maybe just a phase. My son tested me a lot this week, but got his color moved up so far everyday this week at school, which is very hard to do. I noticed my son has been more social though this week and has been with his friends more at school since they had recess this week since the weather has finally been better. When he is more social with the kids he starts testing me more and getting an attitude. He never colored on walls, but my son sounds like pretty much everything else you said and nothing ever changes for me or ex. Maybe she's learning things from other kids and trying out her independence. When my son's teacher emailed me a few weeks ago she said he was being mean to some of the children. I was surprised because he's not like that. He told me that one girl took his things and that he tried to get it back. That's all he would share though. I tried talking to him about what happened and he didn't want to talk. I told my renter that morning because I couldn't believe I got an email from the teacher. He nicely asked him what happened that evening and my son wouldn't tell him anything and got embarrassed and went into my room. He thought it was normal.
woodstock525
by on Feb. 6, 2014 at 12:21 PM

Can you pinpoint when this started?  For example, if it started at daycare, there may be something going on there.  Maybe someone was mean to her there or teased her and she doesn't know how to handle it so it comes out as anger directed toward you because you are "safe" to be angry with as you'll love her no matter what. 

Callaly
by Jessica on Feb. 6, 2014 at 12:49 PM

 He is a tool.

I took your advise and I messaged him telling him that she has had a change of attitude lately and even the daycare is seeing the change and if anything was going on on his side that could bring this out, he told me to mind my own business and to deal with it because its my days with her and she is just fine with him.

Quoting wendythewriter:

I'd ask him anyway. And I'd put it in a way that makes it clear  you're not trying to be nosy.

"Her behavior is very strange for her and I'm trying to think of anything that could explain it. I've talked to the daycare and there's no changes there. I can't think of anything in my home. Do you have any changes that might be affecting her? A new roommate, girlfriend, hours at work, anything like that?"

Quoting Callaly:

 We don't talk about personal affairs with eachother, its strickly about DD and thats it.

Quoting Amy1973Potts: Get that crap under control. Soon.

Does dad have a new girlfriend?

 

 

 

Heath77
by on Feb. 6, 2014 at 1:08 PM
That's awful. I am sorry. Omg. He should support you. I told my ex about the email and my ex came over that night because he just moved right by us. He talked to my son and said he couldn't have his ipad till his behavior got better. My ex can be awful, but he is supporting me with my son. I am again sorry you had to deal with that. He does say he's an angel with him still, but he is not ok with my son not behaving at school. There is a girl in my son's class who takes the children's things. My son was upset with her. He got this cute toy from a school fundraiser and the other girl didn't get one and she took my son's. My sonsaid she cchanged her color down because she wouldn't give it back to him even after the teacher tols her too. She finally gave it back. The next day I said are you going to take your toy to school and he said no because he said she takes all his things. My son is very easygoing with kids, but I guess he was upset with her because it is a daily thing. Maybe there is a child bothering your daughter at school. Also I don't get attitude until my son has been at school so she may get that from the other kids.

Quoting Callaly:

 He is a tool.


I took your advise and I messaged him telling him that she has had a change of attitude lately and even the daycare is seeing the change and if anything was going on on his side that could bring this out, he told me to mind my own business and to deal with it because its my days with her and she is just fine with him.


Quoting wendythewriter:

I'd ask him anyway. And I'd put it in a way that makes it clear  you're not trying to be nosy.


"Her behavior is very strange for her and I'm trying to think of anything that could explain it. I've talked to the daycare and there's no changes there. I can't think of anything in my home. Do you have any changes that might be affecting her? A new roommate, girlfriend, hours at work, anything like that?"


Quoting Callaly:

 We don't talk about personal affairs with eachother, its strickly about DD and thats it.


Quoting Amy1973Potts: Get that crap under control. Soon.

Does dad have a new girlfriend?

 


 


 

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