Please someone slap some sense into me? WANTING to get pregnant by this guy?
In a nutshell, I should probably put this anonymously in mom confessions, (and maybe I will), but for now, here's the nut:
I met this guy online back in October. I fell hard for him. Instant sparks, on both parts, right away. Here's the thing: he is an ex-con for multiple drug offences and was in Iowa where they have harsher stricter punishments for drug laws multiple times which is why he served 11 years as comapred out here to California (where we both live, where I grew up and he moved). Anyways he was ages 19-29 when he served time, he's 31 now. I know he's making up for lost time and just trying to play the field and make up for lost years of his 20s and get his life together without a woman to distract him, etc. He lost so much while in prison---his mom died, his son was given up for adoption b/c the mother went down the same path 9(his girlfriend), etc. And here's my sin: I am still with and living with dd's father. DD is 5 and in kindergarten. SO is mean, abusive, neglectful. Not physically (usually) but emotionally, telling me I'll never be able to supprot myself, take care of myself, me going to school to get my credential is a waste of time,e tc. Classic emotional abuser. Refused to marry me but now I don't want to anymore. Had nowhere to go for many years which is why I stayed. Dad was sick and couldn't take me in, mom's bf and I don't get along---and he did go afetr a married woman.
so anyways I finally told him about SO a couple weeks ago and he was surprisingly okay w/it. probably bc he doesn't want a relationship anyway at least not with me, and I understand he's not in a place financially or emotionally to form a relationship w/anyone, esp. an attached mother or if I leave SO a single mother. He can barely take care of himself, let alone a woman and her small child (not that i'm expecting him to).In November he pleaded with me to take morning after pill as we had drunk sex and he came inside me by accident (was supposed to pull out).
Anyways I have seen him twice in the last two weeks, seems he is better at responding to texts since telling him I'm still in a relationship and living with dd's father, maybe less responsibiltiy he feels? Anyways I swear when he hugs me every nerve ending in my body experiences deep pleasure. I feel VERY infatuated with him. I have other things I should/could be doing and thinking about and yet he consumes so much of my energy.
Anyways on the 5th (2 days ago) we had sex again, and it was great, as usual (but it's his affection, attention, and company i enjoy more than anything). And he pulled out, as usual, and left his "load" on my "mound" I guess it's called (right above my vagina, my pelvic bone). anyways it was 6 days after my period, and I'm pretty sure I ovulate very shrotly after my periods, as I got pregnant with DD from sex with SO 3 days after period (but not using pull-out). Anyways deep down i'm hoping/fantasziing I'm pregnant. I think in my illogical, foolish silly mind I think if I get pregnant, that will suddenly be the band-aid and "fix" all my problems...I can finally end it with SO as he'd be sure to want me to leave, I can move in w/my dd with this guy (who btw works for a temp aganecy and could get let go at anytime, with his felony history, it's VERY hard to find a decent, steady job...it's hard for me with a degree and nof elony history, so i can imagine).
anyways someone PLEASE slap some sense into me, right now. WTF is WRONG with me to even THINK or HOPE this? He has made it VERY clear he doesn't want a baby right now, although during sex on jan 10, he did say when I screamed for him to pull out, "you wouldn't want my baby?" like he was hurt I asked him to pull out. i have made it clear I am NOT on birth control, and nor do I plan to be. My reasons, though i don't owe anyone any explanation, are that I get very, very sick from all birth control pills, like going through chemo kind of sick, vomiting all day, when not vomiting, diarreah, when not that, shaking, sweating, almost passing out, etc., and no I wasn't just getting "used to it", I lived like that for 6 mons hoping my body would "adjust' and it just never did. i don't do depo-provera bc I have high blood pressure and cardio disease in my family history, and already have prehypertension. I am also 30 and will be 31 in July and don't want to inject hormones into my body at this age, for health AND fertiltiy reasons.I KNOW to have a baby w/this man would probably be a mistake. I know it wouldn't make him "love" me or anything like that.
I am currently in my 2nd semester of grad school to get my credential in special ed, after many years of folaoting through jobs and working as ateacher's aide, i have finally bit the bullet and decided to try to get it , much to so's dismay. In the last 5 years I gave birth to an unplanned child (dd whom I love and was a happy surprise), my parents got a divorce due to my mom's infidelity, my dad died after being on life support from a hospital-acquired infection, and there's more to it than that, for awhile he was suicidal for what my mom did, and then physiclaly sick with arterial disease, and all the while still being treated like garbage by SO. So yes I've been through hell as many ppl have, and I really really want to fidn a career I think that would be the godlen ticket for myself and dd. However this guy I'm rumianting on is sidetracking me, and I think if I get pregnant that will magically be the answer to all my problems. I think the emotional trauma i've endured the last 5 years is partly why i'm thinking so irrationally.