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need some advice from people who have gone through it.

Posted by on Feb. 8, 2014 at 2:14 AM
  • 7 Replies
so I've just started with a lawyer to serve baby daddy and also figure out what I want from him and visitation stuff.. I'm finding it all SO OVERWHELMING, there's issues of me wanting him to get random drug tests and worries about him saying no to that, there's just so much to it so many what oaf and what can I actually do that will stick.. my ex has not even made any effort to see her 9month old besides one night I asked him to and he texted me right after he picked her up from daycare that he couldn't say with her long, when I got there he's crying his eyes out telling her how much he loves her blah blah blah I thinking wow he really does care, he says to her I'll see you Tomrrow, so the next day no calls no texts, he made a million broken promises but he seems like he's two different people. I feel bad for baby at least she didn't understand what he said so she wasn't waiting for him all night.. I'm just pissed I'm trying to accept that he only can give what he can give and he's never gonna be a good stand up dad but wtf he's still ruling my life and my emotions even after I kick him out.. I'm letting him get to me and it's making me not eat not sleep last week I lost 6 pounds in a few days and I haven't sleep in a long while. I toss and turn thinking about court and all the crap that I'm going to have to go through, I get so angry at he left me to take baby on by myself and he gets to just hang out without a care in the world.. I just pissed and it's really unhealthy i got away from him to be happy not to be a nervous angry reck!! has anyone gone through a similar situation? how do you deal? how do you not let them get the best of you with there self centered bs??
by on Feb. 8, 2014 at 2:14 AM
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by on Feb. 8, 2014 at 2:54 AM
1 mom liked this
I'm going through the same thing. What you're experiencing is normal and needs to be umm experienced for you to be able to get through it. No pain, no gain - This is what I was told.

I'm.also not eating much, my stomach is in knots n my appetite is gone. What I do is I drink lots of heavy fluids ( Milk, Shakes) and force myself to snack or eat light when I've gone too many hours without food. Don't add on to your list by losing weight - force yourself to eat something!

Grieve, acknowledge whatever feeling present and move on/ focus on something else. This helps me a bit. If I find myself missing him I say to myself, "OK, I miss him BUT he chose to leave us, he's no good. Time to move on" See if it works for you:)

Hugs mama, cause I know how hard this is!
by Bronze Member on Feb. 8, 2014 at 6:30 AM

I can definitely sympathize with what you are going through.  My son's "father" did not care to be a dad either.  I had many sleepless nights for the first several months of my son's life, til I finally realized for sure that we were much better off without him. 

Not everyone is cut out to, or wants to, be a father.

For that reason, I didn't file for child support.  I would not have been able to go through the whole court thing, or send my child on visitation with a parent who I knew didn't care. 

Do you absolutely need the child support?  If you can get by without it, it might be best to just move on and put him totally behind you.  I only say this because you are saying how much it is getting to you already.  Your dd sounds like she deserves much better than someone who is so inconsistent and seems to have chosen not to be in her life.

Good luck with it all though!  Make sure you have the best attorney possible.

by Member on Feb. 8, 2014 at 7:09 AM

You know, from what you described it sounds like he might be on drugs/alcohol or bi-polar.  

I know this is hard (my custody and child support hearings went on for several years before the judge finally took it all away from him)  but you will pull through this.  The one thing that helped me was finding my inner strength (I picture it as a bottomless lake inside me - and it never runs dry) and using it to stay strong when he started to manipulate me --  which is what he's doing to you btw.

My other suggestions - having "been there, done that" is to make it mandatory to have him tested not only for drugs but also for mental illness.  You'll have to provide a good reason to do so, so be prepared to tell all of the ugly parts of your relationship, even the parts you want to hide.  The truth will set you free, especially in this case.  It's really the only way.

If he refuses, then you can ask for supervised visitation until you can be sure he's not a threat to your daughter.  BUT, you may have to pay for that and it can get expensive.  Of course, if you can provide proof that he did/does drugs then it's a non-issue.  The judge will most likely require supervised visitation and/or the drug tests anyway.

Good luck!

by on Feb. 8, 2014 at 7:15 AM

voice of experience... legal papers only do so much, they dont guarantee anything. Child support is hard to enforce and getting the guy arrested for not paying doesnt help anything, if anything makes it worse since he can't get an income from prison. Just keep that kinda stuff in mind. Do what you think is best, but when it come to implementing it all its not always as black and white as the text on the papers.

by Group Admin on Feb. 8, 2014 at 7:29 AM
It's normal to go through all those emotions. In time your feelings will change. It took me about two years to get rid of those feelings. It wasn't an easy process, but my ex and I get along really well now.
If you have proof of your ex's drug use then it's perfectly reasonable to ask for random drug testing. Does he actually want visitation?
by Gold Member on Feb. 8, 2014 at 8:19 AM
Okay so you allowed him to take baby unsupervised? But now you want random drug testing? Did I understand that correctly?

If I understood that correctly, that is definitely going to work against you. By allowing him unsupervised visits you told the court "he is trustworthy".

As for your emotions, all that is totally normal. Work on forgiveness. Do your best to rest and communicate with your lawyer.
by on Feb. 8, 2014 at 10:44 AM
I'm going through all of this right now somehow he has been able to avoid service for almost a year it was stressful at first but I hired a good lawyer for a reason so I just show up when he tells me to the dad has never shown up
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