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How do I explain to my dd when i finally leave her emotionally abusive dad?

Posted by on Feb. 22, 2014 at 7:14 PM
  • 11 Replies

I am really tired and drained of this relationship. i've already cheated twice. Emotionalyl I'm checked out from eyars of being called dumb, idiotic, incompetant, dumb b*tch, etc.  and basiclally just being broken down piece by piece over the years. I am not working a steady job, but i lsot my fatehr in may (another trigger bc it amde me realzie how shrot lfie is, and i can't spend it happy, and in that timeframe of vulnerable grief he puleld my hair while I was drunk and told me to 'get ove rmy dad dying" when i was crying, a month afetr he passed a long and traumatic illness w/life support). I have about 42k that's assets (rest I put in dd's account for college, about 10k, and the other about 10k for me later on in life), and I ahve regualr access to. Anyways I know without a steady soruce of income, I probably can't get an apartment from a rental company or proeprty management company (I've already tried a couple palces and they said it's pretty standard), and my mom's cosign amount isn't enough for most nicer places).

I am looking at rooms and houses for rent until i get a job and can get my own place. i don't think I can stay here a min longer, I'm so done. I hate him and he has no idea or he's in deep, deep denial, about both the abuse (he thinks he's helpign  by calling me an "idiot").

My therapsit thinks I should go to a shelter but I don't want t, plus won't they turn me and dd away if it's not imemdiate danger to my or dd's life?

My question is: how do i explain to dd who's 5 and lvoes her daddy why we're leaving? I've tried wanring ehr like "I may not be with Daddy forever. Someday, maybe soon, you and i will be in our place together and then you cans ee Dadyy at his place on other days. Soemtimes two people love each other but just can't work it out." I have even said "sometimes daddy calls me names and it really hurts my feelings, so I may not be with him much longer and you and i can live alone together without Daddy. And then some days you can be with just Daddy, and I'll always come abck."

She gets upset and whiny when i talk about this, and rightfully so. I know that her home life involves emoitonal abuse toward her mother, but it's still ehr home lfie and family unti and what she knows. I don't know if I have the courage to hrut her this way. there's no one backing me up on this either. myf atehr understood the degree of emotional absue and the toll it took on me, but he's gone now. My mother and brother deny it's abuse and my mom even said "he's not beating you up or anything". It hurts my own mother would side agaisnt me and take his but what can i do.

for the record we;re not even married---his decision, not mine, yet he wnats to keep me around (wtf right?)

Should I just find a place to go anwyay, even if it a shelter, and just explain to her AFTER we move and why we moved, or keep giving her warnings?

If you have been through this, how did you finally tell your child, and did you wait til after you got into your new place, or beforehand? I'm afarid if I tell her beforehand for sure when we're leaving she'll blab to him.



by on Feb. 22, 2014 at 7:14 PM
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Replies (1-10):
cjsmom1
by Gold Member on Feb. 22, 2014 at 7:27 PM

I agree with your therapist. Go to a shelter because they have tons of benefits that can help you get on your feet faster, including job assistance.

You need to do your best to keep your dd's involvement in all this to a minimum. Just say you and her dad don't want to be together any more and leave it at that. Just reassure her that both of you love her and none of this is her fault.

virginiamama71
by Carrie on Feb. 23, 2014 at 2:00 PM

 I agree with your therapist. Also the therapist can help you talk to you daughter about the change in living arrangements.

Most children do love their parents but when one parent is being mistreated it becomes alot on the chid too.

As Mothers we are suppose to protect our children.

ColleenF30
by Lube Girl on Feb. 23, 2014 at 4:51 PM

Exaclty this!

Quoting cjsmom1:

I agree with your therapist. Go to a shelter because they have tons of benefits that can help you get on your feet faster, including job assistance.

You need to do your best to keep your dd's involvement in all this to a minimum. Just say you and her dad don't want to be together any more and leave it at that. Just reassure her that both of you love her and none of this is her fault.


Caramel824
by Bronze Member on Feb. 23, 2014 at 6:51 PM
You tell your child that they are your blessing.but thief father and you are not a good mix!!!!
superdivamom727
by Bronze Member on Feb. 23, 2014 at 7:19 PM

well you daughter is five .. shes not going to really understand no matter who tells her... but you must say somthing because she will notice that daddy isnt around. tell her that mommy found a new place and daddy is going to visit so she miss him as much.

ccnstanczak
by Member on Feb. 23, 2014 at 7:36 PM
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you telll her that mommy and daddy love Her  very much and that now you and mommy are going to live in one place and daddy is going to live in another place. and you reasuure her that  everything is ok and that you are always there for her.

you say nothing about what daddy is doing. shes too young. maybe someday you can tell her but right now its your job to protect her. no matter how much of an abusive prick he is to YOU. she loves her daddy and it would make her feel guilty and confused when you put him down to her.

steviechick
by Gold Member on Feb. 24, 2014 at 3:01 PM

The worst thing I did for my daughter was to stay married to her mentally abusive father.  She was there for all the fights we had about money and his constant absense while active duty in the NG.  Had he just told me about his affair I would have left him while he was chasing after his tramp.  My ex put me through (and still is) financial madness the last three years of my marriage.  And, really, before that.  The day my daughter told me that I should have left her father 10 years ago was the day I felt the worse in my life.  I allowed my ex to continue with his nonsense and I didn't realize just how much it had taken a toll on our dauhgter - neither did my ex.  It was him, afterall, causing all the problems in our marriage. Not only was he difficult to be around he also mentally abused our daughter.  It was a mess for a long time.  His choices to make but as a mother I should have intervened and forced the ex to stay away if he was going to continue to put the family through so much torment.    The hardest part was to stay above all the infighting and keep my mouth shut about talking bad about my ex around our daughter.  I couldn't help it at the time.  Our marriage was crumbling and I did everything I could to keep it together.  The saddest thing about my marriage is knowing the kind of abuse that my ex not only did to me but to our daughter as a whole.  Anything to do with money it was a constant fight.  I felt like a single mother the last 10 years of my marriage.  I should have done something stronger but I didn't.   He was (and still is) an abusive SOB. 

MomToNeeners
by Member on Feb. 24, 2014 at 8:37 PM

"God said no more and to move on"

woodstock525
by on Feb. 24, 2014 at 8:48 PM

Your therapist would not have suggested a battered women's shelter if they felt you or your child would be turned away.  You can contact them and let them know you are doing so at the recommendation of your therapist.  

Do not make your issues your daughter's issues.  In other words, it is not emotionally healthy for you to share your abuse with your daughter or to 'explain' what a terrible person you feel her dad is to her.  If you choose to leave, you do it and just tell her that you and her daddy both love her, but that you and daddy can't live together any more.  Let it be at that.  

While at the shelter, you need to get an attorney and file for both custody and child support.  Without the custody agreement, either of you can take/have the child.  While I can understand your grief, I do think that you need to find some way to get a grip and find some type of employment so that you can start to feel better about yourself as well as have a way to support both yourself and your child.  For me, the more I would sit home and wallow in my own grief and self-pity, the more depressed I would get.  

nana776
by Member on Feb. 24, 2014 at 8:52 PM

All she really needs to hear is that you both love her and that you both are going to be there for her, just different houses. She doesn't need to hear about the abuse for many many years. 

As far as a shelter, they won't turn you away, there are many kinds of abuse. They have many resources that can help you get on your feet.

If you are still looking for an apartment, have you tried offering to pay 6-12 months in advance? 

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