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Heartbroken 7yo

Posted by on Feb. 24, 2014 at 9:14 AM
  • 19 Replies

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This is a letter that my daughter's counselor helped her write to her dad. It took a lot of courage for her to finally give this to him because she is afraid to communicate her feelings to him. I knew the man was an a - hole who cares more about his 13yo son from his first marriage, so I can't say i am surprised by his reaction.
When I get my daughter home from her visit with her dad she looks at me then puts her head down and says "the letter didn't work mom, he didn't listen" I asked what her said and she says "that he didn't like it and he never wanted another letter like that again" She is defeated.
Now I did not give him any warning of this letter because any attempt I have made in the past about her always being bored had been shot down with any excuse he can think of to make it seem like she is lying. I figured if this came from HER and her only that it may work. All it did was get a milder version of what I expected to happen. It would only get worse if I, or the counselor, tried to talk to him.
Now she is left with trying to figure out another way of getting her dad's approval and love. Eventually she will give up and i hope that she is a stronger person for it, but to sit back and watch what i know needs to happen is heartbreaking. How do you explain this to your child, when is the right time to tell her that you don't need his lying, cheating, stealing, drug addicted a$$ in your life. And why do some men do this???!!
by on Feb. 24, 2014 at 9:14 AM
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by Bronze Member on Feb. 24, 2014 at 9:20 AM
That's devastating. I wish I had advice for you. However my kids are 5 and 4 and I'm going through the same thing. The kids get upset when they come home because Daddy didn't play with them.
by Gold Member on Feb. 24, 2014 at 9:26 AM
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Time to have a heart to dumbass talk with her father. Then go file with the courts to limit the visitation to supervised visitation at a center. Have her counselor testify for you.

by Mom on Feb. 24, 2014 at 9:52 AM

 She should write the letter herself and some people men and women just have issues they do not know or care to take care of.

by on Feb. 24, 2014 at 11:41 AM
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While I do get this and realize that there are some douchebag non-custodial moms and dads out there, have any of you stopped to think about what happens with your children in your home?  Do you stop everything you're doing (your favorite tv show, your bath, your conversation with your best friend, making dinner, etc...) every time your child requests that you play with them or requests mommy and me time?  Do you spend every waking moment of every weekend you have your child giving them 100% of your time and attention.  If the answer is no, then think about the situation from the other parent's perspective as well as yours.

I know that when my kids were younger, even though I was the primary residential parent, I certainly didn't spend their every waking hour entertaining them and playing games with them.  Yet, with my first ex, I certainly did expect that since he only had EOW/EOH that when he had our son that he should be spending every waking moment playing with/entertaining our son.  Unfortunately, I instilled in my son that this was exactly how weekend visitations should be with his dad which of course, set him up for a disappointment that I asked him about/quizzed him on every time he came home from a visit. 

I got to see this phenomenon first hand when I met my dh and was a stepparent to his dd.  Her mom set her up to believe that he should spend every waking moment of the time "she gave" him exclusively with him and encouraged her to hit him up for anything extra she could get out of him.  What this led to is what I affectionally called the "let's make a deal" visits.  Sd would call to find out what dh was planning to "do" with her and if she felt that bm was offering something more exciting, she would refuse to see her dad.  Or, if she came and he offered her the choice between ice skating, a movie, or going out to eat, she would expect all three and complain to bm about how he "promised her" all these things and then didn't follow through and how disappointed she was about that so that bm would call up and ream him out for having disappointed his dd. 

All three kids are now grown.  My son has had difficulties along the way that I believe are related to my interference and PASing of his relationship with his dad.  My stepdaughter is a cluster...flunked out of the college that her mom and dad were court ordered to pay for, has turned into a bed surfing and partying ink blot, and when she works is doing minimum wage type waitressing jobs still five years out of high school.  My daughter, whose visitations I did not intervene with is the best adjusted kid of the three and is in college plus working full time at a professional job to help support her dad's household after he had a stroke last year. 

by on Feb. 24, 2014 at 12:04 PM
Thanks Woodstock, there's always one out there. I In no way, NO WAY,try to influence my child when it comes to her father. The reason I did not turn him over to police for grand theft and drug abuse is because i wanted her to make the decision for herself about the involvement he had in her life. I defended and made up excuses for countless issues she has had with him, hoping that he would change. You can't make anyone do something they don't want to do.
Trust me, I know just as many great single fathers as I do bad ones. And I also know the frustrations of being a step mom and dealing with the competition between parents. NEVER would I put my child in that situation.
I don't expect 100% attention for her. But when it gets to the point where my child is telling me, without my influence, that she needs to talk to someone about understanding her hurt feelings her dad causes, attention from him is obviously close to 0%.
by on Feb. 24, 2014 at 12:08 PM
And the heart to heart discussion was him telling me he didn't want another bull crap letter and she is bein a drama Queen
by on Feb. 24, 2014 at 1:39 PM

 I think now is the time to tell her that if she wants to see him you will make it happen but that she will not be forced to go and then if he says anything tell him to take you back to court because if he is ignoring her during his time with her then she doesn't need that abuse.

by on Feb. 24, 2014 at 1:47 PM
I don't know, I have different issues with their dad. All he does is play, i wish he'd be a dad. But right now its cuz he's trying to impress a younger gf who doesn't know what being a parent actually means. But when they are older and he doesnt go to their games, or forgets to pick them up from school or once again decides he doesnt have time for them... I know ill be dealing with their hurt, and it scares me. I have no idea how to deal with that.
by Group Admin on Feb. 24, 2014 at 2:14 PM
It sounds like her dad doesn't want to hear that he's doing something wrong. How often dies she see him? Just continue to be a loving supportive parent because nothing you do is going to make him change.
by on Feb. 24, 2014 at 3:31 PM
He reacted exactly how I thought he would react. I tried to tell him that I was truly wanting to help their relationship and didn't mean to sound like i was placing the blame on him, but where else am I supposed to place it, that is where it belongs. Those that know him and our past agree that I have always given him too much credit, but they understand why I do it.
She is with him every other weekend by court order so I can't promise her that she can decide when she wants to go. But she is already asking when is old enough for her to decide.
He doesn't want to "hear anymore about what her highness or her school has to say about it". A real class act.
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