Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Need Suggestions

Posted by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 7:45 AM
  • 11 Replies

Bf and I had a great talk last night and are on the same page on waiting on intimacy. So happy about that, he truly is a good guy. That being said, his 14 yo dd is another story. She has already assumed that we are sleeping together and makes snarky comments about it. Not to be mean, she just tends to say exactly what is on her mind, good or bad. She used to be a bit standoffish with me but has gotten better. So I was thinking that it might be a good idea to have a girl chat with her. My kids know where I am so they do not assume, not to mention they know what my beliefs are. She unfortunately does not so I can see why she would make the assumption based on what the norms tend to be in society. My younger two come home on Saturday and I wouldn't like those snarky comments to be made around them.

I am the assistant coach on their soccer team and we have practice tomorrow night. So I was thinking abou talking to the head coach and ask for a few minutes to chat with her. Obviously I would get the okay from her dad first. HC knows me, knows I'm dating her dad etc so that shouldn't be a problem. I was thinking about just asking her if I can chat w/ her for a moment and telling he that no, we haven't slept togethe, not all dating relationships require you to sleep together, she's welcome to ask my dd (she will trust me) if I am home at night and to please curb the comments when the younger ones are around. Emphasizing that the youngest is only 9 and does not need to hear that kind of thing.

Does that sound okay? Good? Suggestions? 

by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 7:45 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Shy_Dia
by Silver Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 8:37 AM
Hmm... I feel like that's something dad should do. Like as soon as the comments are made, dad needs to intervene.
krisnkids
by Gold Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 8:44 AM

I completely agree and he has told her to stop. She is a challenge to say the least, bf can lecture her til she is blue in the face and it usually goes in one ear and out the other. But we both think that coming from me she might actually listen.

Quoting Shy_Dia: Hmm... I feel like that's something dad should do. Like as soon as the comments are made, dad needs to intervene.


true10ve
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 8:49 AM
1 mom liked this
I kind of agree that dad needs to be involved in that discussion, even if you are the one doing it. Otherwise I think she might feel attacked and get defensive or resentful. She might anyway but at least then it's at both of you. I am also uncomfortable with doing it at soccer. That's a friendly fun activity and with you being one of her coaches you shouldn't bring personal matters into that arena. I would hate to see her become uncomfortable having you for a coach because she was afraid you were always going to pull her aside for talks. It sells like the sort of thing that you and her dad should sit down together and talk over, at home on the couch or take her out to dinner, but either way it should be a team thing, she should see that you guys are going to work together on this and are in agreement.
krisnkids
by Gold Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 9:06 AM

I am not sure but I think responses are being based on that I am "getting her in trouble" for what she is saying. I don't plan to approach it like that because I'm not mad at her nor do I want her in trouble. She is in general a pretty good teen, just tends to say inappropriate things at times. We actually get along pretty well, her dad just shakes his head at how I deal with her because he rarely can get through to her. I was going to tell her that no, we aren't sleeping together, not all couples sleep together just because they are dating and why we aren't going to be. She really likes my youngest dd and gets along great with her. I was thinking of maybe appealing to her by telling her that she can choose to believe what she wants but to please curb the comments around the youngest.

SaintJudes
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 9:37 AM
1 mom liked this

She's 14 what do you expect! Plus this is only the beginning of a long haul. SHE could be the deal breaker dont forget that..

Monsita
by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 2:18 PM
1 mom liked this
Dear CafeMom:
I am so glad to know TODAY that love, did find you!
I am happy for you!

If I were you, I would not ask her coach to allow to talk to her....why?
Even you will probably will do it right and nice. You are picking a public place, where her teamates are.
My kids are soccer players and the only moment they are taking to the side for a few minutes talk; either by a coach or a parent, is when they are in trouble.
Please, do not do it at the soccer field. You do not want her to feel weird and be on the position of having to answer her teamates either questions or comments.

You need to do it privally and with your SO being there. Trust me you need him there with you when you talk to his daughter. Teenagers are very good at manipulating anything, specially if the issues are that she is just needing more time to deal that she is not longer his Dad's only girl.
Best of luck!

Quoting krisnkids:

Bf and I had a great talk last night and are on the same page on waiting on intimacy. So happy about that, he truly is a good guy. That being said, his 14 yo dd is another story. She has already assumed that we are sleeping together and makes snarky comments about it. Not to be mean, she just tends to say exactly what is on her mind, good or bad. She used to be a bit standoffish with me but has gotten better. So I was thinking that it might be a good idea to have a girl chat with her. My kids know where I am so they do not assume, not to mention they know what my beliefs are. She unfortunately does not so I can see why she would make the assumption based on what the norms tend to be in society. My younger two come home on Saturday and I wouldn't like those snarky comments to be made around them.


I am the assistant coach on their soccer team and we have practice tomorrow night. So I was thinking abou talking to the head coach and ask for a few minutes to chat with her. Obviously I would get the okay from her dad first. HC knows me, knows I'm dating her dad etc so that shouldn't be a problem. I was thinking about just asking her if I can chat w/ her for a moment and telling he that no, we haven't slept togethe, not all dating relationships require you to sleep together, she's welcome to ask my dd (she will trust me) if I am home at night and to please curb the comments when the younger ones are around. Emphasizing that the youngest is only 9 and does not need to hear that kind of thing.


Does that sound okay? Good? Suggestions? 

Monsita
by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 2:25 PM
After, I replied I see that I am not the only one beliving, she should not do it at the soocer field....

I think like you!

Besides, she should avoid the questions or comments of her teamates, who would probably ask her "what was that about" and "what is going on" especially since the whole team knows, OP is dating her Dad.

Quoting true10ve: I kind of agree that dad needs to be involved in that discussion, even if you are the one doing it. Otherwise I think she might feel attacked and get defensive or resentful. She might anyway but at least then it's at both of you. I am also uncomfortable with doing it at soccer. That's a friendly fun activity and with you being one of her coaches you shouldn't bring personal matters into that arena. I would hate to see her become uncomfortable having you for a coach because she was afraid you were always going to pull her aside for talks. It sells like the sort of thing that you and her dad should sit down together and talk over, at home on the couch or take her out to dinner, but either way it should be a team thing, she should see that you guys are going to work together on this and are in agreement.
CampClan
by Bronze Member on Apr. 4, 2014 at 2:27 PM
My own 14yo DD is having issues with me dating. Not the same as your BF's though. I basically told DD that while I understand it is hard on her it is an adjustment for everyone. I had trust issues in the beginning because of her it dad. But my BF has already proven that I don't have to keep my wall up. She sees how happy he makes me. But hearing it from me wasn't helping. So BF & I decided to take DD to dinner & he assured her that he was not trying to take her father's place & that we weren't going to get married right away (we have been talking about this).

Quoting true10ve: I kind of agree that dad needs to be involved in that discussion, even if you are the one doing it. Otherwise I think she might feel attacked and get defensive or resentful. She might anyway but at least then it's at both of you. I am also uncomfortable with doing it at soccer. That's a friendly fun activity and with you being one of her coaches you shouldn't bring personal matters into that arena. I would hate to see her become uncomfortable having you for a coach because she was afraid you were always going to pull her aside for talks. It sells like the sort of thing that you and her dad should sit down together and talk over, at home on the couch or take her out to dinner, but either way it should be a team thing, she should see that you guys are going to work together on this and are in agreement.
Monsita
by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 2:31 PM
I can be wrong, but if this teenager gets along with you well, and this is the only thing she is doing to get to you, it is not because she wants your opinios on the matter. I think it is because, she is having a hard time dealing with the fact that her Dad really care for you, and she is no longer the only girl in Dad's life.

Just an observation.

Quoting krisnkids:

I completely agree and he has told her to stop. She is a challenge to say the least, bf can lecture her til she is blue in the face and it usually goes in one ear and out the other. But we both think that coming from me she might actually listen.

Quoting Shy_Dia: Hmm... I feel like that's something dad should do. Like as soon as the comments are made, dad needs to intervene.

Callaly
by Jessica on Apr. 4, 2014 at 4:12 PM

 Don't do it at the soccer field. I think that it should be you to be the one to talk to her maybe both the girls together so she doesn't feel like she is being picked on (I know thats not your point or goal but it can come off that way to a teenage girl) Have BF spend sometime with the boys and you take the girls to icecream or something after practice.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)