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Father access issues

Posted by on Apr. 20, 2014 at 2:30 AM
  • 15 Replies

I know that this title may make a few people want to avoid this post, but I need advice.

The biological Father of my two beautiful daughters ages 7 & 8 is asking to be introduced to them.  Just a little back story so you can have a clearer picture.

I was with their father for 10 months, long enough to get pregnant twice. (believe me, although my youngest baby is a blessing, this was not exactly how I wanted to bring her into this world).  the relationship was rocky mid-way through my first pregnancy.  We broke up and got back together then broke up again.  Because I am a traditionalist at heart, we decided to give it a go for my daughter's sake.

This turned into a disaster as he could not handle that I made more money than him.  That I was very independent.  And that he couldn't hold down a job. Yes, i also foud out that he had a drug and anger problem by the time my first daughter was born.  He accused me of cheating on him and tried to say that neither child were his.  This was his paranoia and drugs talking, this I know.

When I was 5 months pregnant with my second daughter, he beat me and threatened the lives of my children.  He was sent to prison for domestic violence.  To say the least, I survived and we have not been back together ever.  I moved home and had very little contact with him.

Six months after I moved, he contacted me through Facebook saying he was sorry and he'd change.  We had back and forth communications about the girls and his place in their lives.

I hope someone here can understand that I repeatedly stated to him, that until he can guarantee he was not on drugs and had his anger issues under control that visitation would be impossible at that time. 

After a while, I could see that he had not changed and still had issues with drugs and anger.  He texted me a message saying that he didn't want further contact with me and he was going to seek legal council.  this was two years ago.

Out of the blue I get antoher facebook request from him asking for me to befriend him.

I have not replied to the request, but I did send him a message expressing my surprise and hesitancy.

My ultimate question here is:

Should I :

A.  Befriend him on Facebook and hope that he's changed

B. Go with my gut instincts and not befriend him on Facebook.

C. Befriend him but block any access he has to photos or postings about my girls.

D.  Any other options you might like to advise.

Please let me know what you think and how you'd handle this issue.

Sincerely looking for advise.... KGSM

by on Apr. 20, 2014 at 2:30 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Apr. 20, 2014 at 2:44 AM

I honestly don't know how to answer this... So I am going to give you two different viewpoints. If I were in your situation, I would a assume he wanted to be a part of your childrens' lives, and I would take things slow, but I would give him a chance to have some kind of relationship with his children. Having said that, my SO is the best father in the world and he had never once met his biological father and had no desire to. No matter what you decide, as long as you have the best interest of your babies at heart, it will work, out for you. I am sorry you are dealing with this, and wish you the best of luck. PS- make sure he is sober!

by Bronze Member on Apr. 20, 2014 at 4:07 AM
Do not add him on Facebook. Talk to him over the phone, and then decide based on your mommy instincts.
by Member on Apr. 20, 2014 at 7:25 AM

If i were you I'd communicate through email only. I would not let him into your life in anyway unless hes done a complete transformation and you've witnessed it for a good chunk of time. 

by on Apr. 20, 2014 at 7:50 AM
1 mom liked this

I completely identify as I have had almost the same experience. From the denial of paternity to the threats to your children's lives, to the drugs....all I can say is "Me too". And like you, this has always been a controversial issue in my heart. The difference is my son is only 3. You have two older girls who have lived without this man in their lives for 7 and 8 years. How would they be affected with him popping into their lives now? And what if he has not changed, as he claims he would so many times? Then he's in & out, in & out of their lives- very confusing for them. It sounds like he is playing games: first he wants legal counsel, then he wants to be friends. If he is anything like my ex- he is very manipulative. If he wanted to get a lawyer to see his kids, THEN WHY DIDN"T HE? Cuz he doesn't care all that much, trust me. He wants the title of a father, he just doesn't want to be a dad. For the last three years I keep hearing, "But he's the father and the father has rights. Your son deserves a father." They're are right. Butthis man is not a father. He is a disaster waiting to rip through our lives again. My son is better off with no father-figure or male role model then having his biological father in his life. Until I know FOR SURE, that he is not on drugs, has grown up, calmed down, and isn't going to come in and out of my son's life- reappearing then disappearing when he's bored again- then we are fine without him. I have more then enough love for my child to make up for anything he may be "lacking" from his so called "dad". Think of the affect it will have on your daughters; is it worth it? If he wants to get a lawyer then let him, at least you know he is willing to fight for them.  No need to be friends on facebook. My ex and I are not. All I can hear him saying is, "WHo's that guy in the picture? Where were you when that was taking? WHo's this person asking about my kids?" TOO MUCH DRAMA. Even if we were civil, I would still probably not be friends on facebook.  Always follow your gut....everytime I don't, I live to regret it..........

by on Apr. 20, 2014 at 8:08 AM

I'm a huge advocate of the father being involved in your case I think I would block him on facebook (or just deny his request and make sure everything on your page is private).  I would document everything you can remember.  Gather any pictures of bruises, any police reports, etc. in case he petitions for visitation. I would make him go to Court to get it.  I've never seen a Court order immediate visitation between children and a parent they've never seen.  They typically do a phased in and sometimes supervised visiation. I would ask for visitation at some sort of visitation center.  The staff there is typically trained to watch for signs of drug use.  You may also be able to have him randomly drug tested for about a year or so to ensure that he's sober. I would make him petition and then jump through hoops.  I would also make sure you have the funds for a lawyer.

by Group Admin on Apr. 20, 2014 at 8:15 PM

I would add him, but block him from being able to see any pictures or posts. This way you can get an idea of how he's doing and whether or not he's getting himself together. This will let you decide how to proceed in dealing with him.

by on Apr. 20, 2014 at 9:27 PM

I would ignore his request and go on about your life as if he never contacted you.  That being said, is he on the birth certificates?  If so, did you ever go to court and get legal custody and/or are you living in a state where you have legal custody regardless of whether you went to court or not?  Be sure you know the laws in your state as they are not the same from state to state.  

Know that if you live in a state where you would need to have a court order to have custody, then there is nothing to stop him from going to anywhere the kids are and taking them.  Your only protection in that case would be to go to court to get sole custody though that may open up his request to see them.  If that happens, make sure to have all of your documentation and go for supervised visits with a counselor and random drug/alcohol testing for him as well as court mandated anger management classes.  

I would be up front with the kids, if you haven't been until now, that they do have a father but that he hasn't been in a place where he could see/spend time with them.  It can be more harmful to kids to all of a sudden be thrust into a court battle and that way find out that the guy who they have come to know as 'dad' is actually stepdad and that they have another real dad out there.  

by on Apr. 20, 2014 at 10:37 PM
I wouldn't add him personally he made his choices dug his own grave
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by on Apr. 22, 2014 at 8:22 PM

To all of you wonderful ladies that have sent me your replies, Thank you....

You've given me a lot to think about.  The biggest thing I took away from all this is that I am right in how I feel and I should not feel bad about it.  Yes, you've also brought to light a few things that I will need to look into, but overall, I am in good standings with my situation.

Again, thank you all for your insights and advice. 

Sincerely,  KGSM

by on Apr. 22, 2014 at 9:32 PM

I would not friend him on Facebook, make the contact through e-mail so you can have better access to them all and keep all of them. Like PP said, make sure you have legal custody of the kids and then make him jump through hoops to see the girls, that will tell you a lot about his sobriety and intentions to stay in their lives. I would give him the chance, I just wouldn't make it easy for him. I think you owe it to the girls to take the time and effort to find out. You don't want them to find out later in life that he was sober and wanting to see them, but you wouldn't let him.

Good luck.

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