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Posted by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 10:19 PM
  • 11 Replies

Hello all! A few months ago I made a post about being confused about my then relationship and unborn child. I have since decided to parent and and am currently 25 weeks along with my first (a girl). I also ended the relationship with my daughter's father (great decision) and had gone a whole month without speaking to or seeing him until he saw me in traffic and followed me into the store 3 weeks ago. He asked about his daughter, but was mainly concerned about me having another man.

I attend parenting classes on Thursdays and lately he has been showing up. He has even showed up to my house unannounced to see if I am "alright". He has been claiming that he wants a future with me, loves me, and will be there for me and our daughter. I completely have trouble believing him because of his extensive history of lying, but have wanted to believe him because I still care for him. However, he admitted that he moved back in with his ex (has been evicted twice in last 4 months) because he said he had no other place to go. Initially, when he started coming back around we were not communicating at all, but gradually began to text and talk on occasion. With each passing day knowing that he is living with his "ex" while I am pregnant and claiming that he still wants me, I have become very angry. She also knows nothing about me or our baby and I don't want anything to do with him apart from taking care of our baby at this point. But, I feel like he is playing a dangerous game that I want no part of once she does find out. I know that he is deceiving her and me, but don't understand how he could be so cruel. He also hasn't told his kids about the baby, claiming that he wants to wait until he gets another place. How should I deal with this situation?


by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 10:19 PM
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by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 10:38 PM
I'd move on.
by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 11:13 PM

I have moved on. I just mean as far as with him dealing with the baby?

by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 11:19 PM
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It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. He wants to keep you around for an insurance policy in case it does not work out with the ex and when she wisely boots his ass out and kicks him to the curb. He is manipulating the situation for all its worth hon. If he stays on friendly terms with you he can use your feelings for him to his advantage and have a place to stay and sex on demand. He does not sound like he really cares about you or your baby girl because he would have let his other kids and family know about you guys. When a man truly loves you he shows it. What is in the heart of a man is revealed by his actions. If he really wanted to be with you he would have got his act together while you guys were seperated and came to find you on his own. He would supporting you and your child financially and emotionally. There is no way he would be comfortable knowing the woman that he loved was out there alone and pregnant with his child heartbroken. I have been where you are right now and I finally realized that I want to be a man's first choice rather than his last resort.I won't let any man settle for me, use me as insurance, or be Ms. Right Now until something he deems  better comes along. If you allow this man back in your life romantically that is what you will be teaching your little girl and she will grow up believing that is how a "man" treats a woman he loves. Let him go and enforce limited contact and keep the conversation focused only on your daughter. When your daughter gets older and can talk to him independently set up a Facetime or Skype account for her to talk to her dad. Don't respond to his flirting or innuendo just keep it all business.File for child support and sole custody. Have a mutually agreed upon visitation times in the custody agreement. I had to do this too with my kids dad and yes it hurt like hell but I am glad that I finally realized that I deserved to be treated with respect and I should be wanted and valued for myself.You are strong woman and there is a man out there that will recognize your worth. A real man can recognize his mate right away and it does not take months, years, going back to ex girlfriends for them to figure it out either!lol! I just want to tell you and this too shall pass. You will overcome this . What does not break you shapes you. Take this experience as a lesson learned. You have learned what you will and won't tolerate from a man. Make the next man earn your love if he wants you. Keep your chin up, relax and enjoy your precious baby girl! Sending you prayers and positve thoughts for a safe delivery and healthy baby.hugs

by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 11:38 PM
1 mom liked this

Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement. ~Alfred Adler

He sounds like he can talk a good game but can't back it up - he is not for you and you know that or you would still be with him. Take some time and revisit the feelings you experienced that helped you make the decision to leave - that should help you.

It will get better!

With Love,

My Blog:
Lessons From A Baby Mama

by on Apr. 26, 2014 at 12:23 AM
Tell him what you had is over but his daughter still needs a good dad
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by on Apr. 26, 2014 at 12:53 AM
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Thanks so much for all of the advice, ladies!

by Ruby Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 1:14 AM
As for yourself, I'd expect nothing. He may step up once the baby is tangible, maybe not. Don't waste time being angry though. Who cares why, he's with her. That's just how it is
by on Apr. 28, 2014 at 9:16 PM
I had a very similar situation with my daughters dad. Lied to me while we were together about his sons mom (they were still together even though he told me they weren't). Also didn't know about two other kids. Now he has two daughters and a son older than my girl, and one girl two months younger with baby mama he was cheating on me with. He'd only come to me out of necessity and only called twice about our daughter since she was born. Drop him, liars will continue to lie.
by Group Admin on Apr. 29, 2014 at 1:18 AM
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I recommend only talking to him about the baby. As soon as anything personal gets brought up end the conversation. It sounds like he wants to keep you as a back up plan in case things get rocky with the girl he's staying with now.

by Jessica on Apr. 29, 2014 at 9:33 AM

 I would only communicate when its concerning the baby, I would ignore all texts and phone calls if Its not about your next class or next appointment. If he asks tell him that you don't have time to play games and really are done with him but want to make the best out of the situation for your DD.

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