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How to accept what has happened

Posted by on May. 4, 2014 at 8:49 AM
  • 18 Replies
So 7 months ago my soon to be ex husband turned to me and said he wasn't happy and was leaving. At that point our daughter was 13 months old and we had bought a home only 8 months earlier. His leaving took me by shock since we didn't fight and there were no clear signs.
Now he has several "friends" which bothers me and I know it shouldn't but it feel like he doesn't deserve anything good in life since he left me to raise our daughter and take care of the house on my own. I don't want him because he looks like garbage and is a selfish, irresponsible, disrespectful POS. He sees his daughter once a week, most weeks not all. I've tried to be nice and offer for him to spend more time with her and he doesn't really take me up on it. I hate him for making me feel that his "friends" take up his time and he doesn't have enough time for his daughter. There's been some major bumps in the road and I wish he'd just get his shit together and be a good father.
by on May. 4, 2014 at 8:49 AM
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Replies (1-10):
CampClan
by Bronze Member on May. 4, 2014 at 8:55 AM
3 moms liked this
Some men just aren't cut out to be husbands or fathers & some times we as women are so blinded by what we think is love to see it until it's too late.

It takes time to heal. Some quicker than others. All you can do is lean on your person(s). Someone who is the one person you can turn to when your hurting, or need a laugh. You will get through it. And when she is a mother herself (maybe sooner) your DD will look back & realize you did the best you could with what you had. And she will realize who was there for her when she needed her person the most.
LAMARQ
by Member on May. 4, 2014 at 8:56 AM
1 mom liked this

Hello.  I'm sorry for what you're going through and I'm sure your emotions are all over the place.  Unfortunately you can't force him to step up and be a good father. Have you made a plan for you and your daughter? How are you doing financially since you're left with the house? 

MomToNeeners
by on May. 4, 2014 at 9:05 AM
3 moms liked this

Honestly, this reminds me a lot of my daughter's father. He only bought my daughter a box of diapers once, but other than that he never had money because he was spending it on drinking and video games him and his friends played. He was supposed to take care of our daughter at his mom's on his days off, but he wouldn't even do that. Everything came to a head and got ugly. He hasn't seen her since she was 2.5 months old.

I was very angry and had the same feelings about him that you currently have with your ex, for a long while. Only time and some counseling will really help you to get over it all. Also when people have kids...reality hits the fan. Either he can man up or he can't. He is a little boy. He is not a man. It sucks that you have to be the adult about it. I say that because I don't get to go out. I go out maybe...MAYBE 3 times a year max! But that's what happens when you're a parent and these little boys don't seem to get that.

Mfaitoute1178
by on May. 4, 2014 at 9:28 AM
1 mom liked this
Thank god I have a great support system of friends and family and that I am financially able to support myself and my daughter. I know I'm better off without him and that I'm all my daughter needs.
Momtoneeners- are you sure your ex and mine aren't related. It sounds so familiar. Has to take her to his mothers since he doesn't have a place of his own. And the one time I found out that he took her to his "friends" house to stay overnight. I showed up and took my daughter home with me, needless to say that was a very ugly night. I know he loves his daughter I just don't think he knows how to be a dad. He went and got her name tattooed on his arm, maybe to remind himself he loves her? Who knows? He claims to not have money but went out and bought a Harley. Some peoples priorities just amaze me. I don't go out often because I'd rather be with my daughter. The fact he has no responsibility makes me mad.
At the end of the day I put all of these feelings aside so that she can have a relationship with him. The only person I'll be hurting is her. She'll realize as she gets older who he really is so no need for me to put my opinions in her head.
MomToNeeners
by on May. 4, 2014 at 2:55 PM

My daughter's father lived 10 minutes from where I was going to school and his mom's was on the way to school, which was 2 hours away from where I lived. 

Yeah...my daughter's father would borrow money from me while I was in nursing school and he had a full time job....ugh! I was so stupid, but at least I got my daughter out of it all...I was told I would never have kids so to have her is an extrodinary happening...

toimarie
by on May. 4, 2014 at 7:17 PM
1 mom liked this

First, let me say I am so sorry this happened to you and it sucks when someone doesnt take care of their responsibilites and they leave you to do it all on your own - when you didnt create it all on your own. I have massive experience in this - being the sole responsible parent. It use to eat me alive and consume how I moved in the world, until I whole heartedly understood that I cannot change anyone - and nor do I want to. Your ex will do what he wants and you can't control so just pay it no mind - free yourself. Do whats best for you and your daughter - that is all.

"I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do. I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do. -Robert A. Heinlein "

With Love,
Toi

My Blog:
Lessons From A Baby Mama

 

LifeCafe42
by on May. 4, 2014 at 9:50 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm lucky to have gotten such an awesome kid out of a looser. I can't make him be a father but I can teach my son how to be respectful etc
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cjsmom1
by Group Admin on May. 5, 2014 at 6:51 AM
1 mom liked this

Unfortunately we can't make a man care or step up and be a dad. Just continue what you're doing and everything will work itself out. Be the best mom you can be n your daughter will grow up loving you.

wendythewriter
by on May. 5, 2014 at 8:35 AM
2 moms liked this

Stop wishing for him to get his shit together and be a good fatehr -- that's a waste of your time. And you have much better things to do with your time. 

It sucks that you are left alone to be responsible for your daughter- believe me, I know. My ex currently owes me about $29K in child support and hasn't seen my kids in nearly a decade. And yes, it used to irritate me to no end that he was out there, dating and screwing other women like nothing had ever happened, while I sat home, taking care of 2 kids and never getting to go out. 

But then I realized: first of all, those women were getting the same shitty treatment I did. So the idea that he "doesn't deserve anything good in life" was really moot, because he wasn't getting anything good - he was treating them like crap, which means that eventually, they'll leave him, too. And second, *I'm* the one that gets all the love, hugs, kisses, memories, and fun with my kids. Someday, he'll suddenly realize he wants a relationship with them, and by then, it'll be too late. The kids will (and in my case, with my oldest, already have) realize that he didn't want anything to do with them, and will therefore decide they want nothing to do with him. And he'll have only himself to blame for that. 

As much as it might bug you when he doesn't come to see her, don't stop him from seeing her when he wants to (according to a court order, of course, once you have one). Never be the one to prevent a visit, that way he can never blame you for his crappy relationship with her, or a complete lack of one. Let him always be the one that fails to show up. 

Don't focus on him anymore. Focus on taking care of you and your daughter. What will you do about the house now? Can you afford it on your own or will you need to sell it? Do you have a job? If not, you need to start looking for one, and start looking into other ways to cover the bills and eat until you find one - you might need to apply for public assistance to get you through for a bit. File for the divorce (if that hasn't already been done) and make sure you ask for child support. 

Callaly
by Jessica on May. 5, 2014 at 8:44 AM
1 mom liked this

 Im sorry your going through this.

Me and my ex split when DD was 13 months old too and we had just bought a house together as well. The first 2 years was Hell with him, he was on a rollercoster of emotions, one day he hated me, the nest all he needed was DD and then he couldn't care less about her.

I did push him to get the help he needed and to straighten out his life so he could be a part of DD's life, it was hard, but I grew up without a father and I refused to allow that for DD. Let me tell you, the time and heart ache and issues I went through for 2 years was HARD as shit, and now that I am older and DD is older (she will be 5 this year) I wish I could have told younger me that its OKAY and its not my place to put so much effort into trying to change a man.

My ex now sees DD every weekend, he is her dad, he takes care of her but gives me a hell of a hard time all the time.

 

I really hope that it works out for you, just don't push too hard, focus on you and your DD, feel bad for your ex that he is missing out on the best thing of life (watching his child grow)

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