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dealing with a newborn and the father I'm no longer with...

Posted by on May. 10, 2014 at 2:28 AM
  • 19 Replies
I need some perspective/advice. I'm 26 and due in two weeks with my first, a little girl. I broke up with her father when I was 3 months pregnant when it became clear that if I stayed with him I'd just end up having to take care of him and the baby. We have been on ok terms since and have managed to keep things friendly, but I'm worried things will change once she's here. How do i handle the hospital visits when she is born? I don't want him in the room when i am laboring or after really either, but i don't think it's right to deny him seeing his daughter..can i kick him out after he has a chance to hold her/see her? I don't want him around while I'm resting/breastfeeding, how do I handle that? And how do I handle visits when she is little? He is clueless on how to take care of a baby and I don't trust him to know anything, so I don't trust him alone, but I don't want to deny him as a father and know I will need a break sometimes..what should I do? Oh, fyi he lives an hour and a half away from me. When do you think is an ok age for her to start overnight visits with him?( assuming he can get a clue and provide a safe environment for her) Any added advice on how to deal with a newborn and a clueless, lazy Dad that I'm not with would be appreciated. And also, we have both agreed to do our best to settle issues out of court, and would certainly like to try to work something out before taking that avenue.
by on May. 10, 2014 at 2:28 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MeeshMom
by Platinum Member on May. 10, 2014 at 2:54 AM
2 moms liked this

Honestly you should consider mediation. You need to get counselin before making any decisions with this guy. Talk to a therapist for some logical perspective. Then get a consult with a family law attorney for legal perspective. Don't make uninformed decisions. When I look back I know I could have made some better decisions and should have seeked more counseling.

wendythewriter
by Bronze Member on May. 10, 2014 at 8:57 AM
2 moms liked this

The first thing I want to say is you need to handle this through court. If you can agree on things, that's great and can be incorporated into a court order, but you need that order to protect all of you. You need that paper that can enforce all the rules so that neither you nor him can decide to just change things up. 

Moving on, as far as the hospital when she's born, it's all really up to you. If you don't want him in the room while you're laboring and delivering, that's up to you. The hospital won't let him in if you say not to. After she's born, you can allow him into the room so he can meet and hold her, or you can probably request the hospital allow him to see her in the nursery, if that would make you feel better. 

As far as visitation, again, that's why you need court. Mediation can help if you aren't able to agree, but I wouldn't go with just an agreement between the two of you. If it's just an agreement between the two of you, he can decide at some point that it isn't working for him, and he wants to change it. And if he's on her birth certificate, he can just take her on one of his visits and refuse to give her back. With a court order, it specifies when he can have her, so if he takes her and refuses to give her back, you have back up to force his hand and MAKE him give her back. 

Oliviasmom72
by Bronze Member on May. 10, 2014 at 11:46 AM
1 mom liked this

It is totally up to you to on whether to allow him in the hospital room. I would actually probab;y allow him i the room during delivery. The most important thing here is that he develop a bond with the baby. If you decide against him in the room during labor I would allow him to see the baby right after. I would try to keep things civil you all will be better off.

Alinorre
by New Member on May. 10, 2014 at 11:50 PM

Listen ladies, if I wanted legal advice, I would ask a lawyer, but I was not asking for that.  I was asking for mom opinions about age of overnight visits, I'm sure there are one or two of you out there that are single and have shared parental responsibility with a young one that could offer their personal experience. I am also willing to bet I'm not the only single mom that's given birth, how have other's handled the father in the hours and weeks following that? 

I am seeking mom experience related to the specific questions I originally asked when starting this thread. I would not post on a mom's forum for professional legal advice, if that is what I was seeking, I would ask someone qualified to give professional legal advice. Wendythewriter- This would be parental kidnapping and if I could not file a police report, I could file for emergency custody in this situation. This would only damage his ability go get primary custody of her in the long run, so please don't tell me that if I don't act now there is nothing I could do if this snowball's chance in hell scenario occured, I don't appreciate the scare tactic. 

I realize there are a lot of burned moms out there and the court offers protection, but there ARE other ways to handle things. I do not view him as a threat and I do believe we can work in out without court, and that IS an option. It is also not set in stone, and I believe legal intervention should be used only if you cannot figure it out without third party intervention. So please let me repeat, can anyone address the specific questions I asked above without giving unwanted and unqualified legal advice?

Baby5678
by Member on May. 11, 2014 at 2:27 AM
1 mom liked this

Listen, you didn't really specify what exact advice you wanted and these moms are trying to help. This group is pretty small so just be clear next time instead of snippy. Plus, saying burned out mom and court in the same sentance in this forum won't get you too many helpful replies. I do hope you can figure it out in the best way possible for all involved.

Quoting Alinorre:

Listen ladies, if I wanted legal advice, I would ask a lawyer, but I was not asking for that.  I was asking for mom opinions about age of overnight visits, I'm sure there are one or two of you out there that are single and have shared parental responsibility with a young one that could offer their personal experience. I am also willing to bet I'm not the only single mom that's given birth, how have other's handled the father in the hours and weeks following that? 

I am seeking mom experience related to the specific questions I originally asked when starting this thread. I would not post on a mom's forum for professional legal advice, if that is what I was seeking, I would ask someone qualified to give professional legal advice. Wendythewriter- This would be parental kidnapping and if I could not file a police report, I could file for emergency custody in this situation. This would only damage his ability go get primary custody of her in the long run, so please don't tell me that if I don't act now there is nothing I could do if this snowball's chance in hell scenario occured, I don't appreciate the scare tactic. 

I realize there are a lot of burned moms out there and the court offers protection, but there ARE other ways to handle things. I do not view him as a threat and I do believe we can work in out without court, and that IS an option. It is also not set in stone, and I believe legal intervention should be used only if you cannot figure it out without third party intervention. So please let me repeat, can anyone address the specific questions I asked above without giving unwanted and unqualified legal advice?


LifeCafe42
by Nora on May. 11, 2014 at 9:34 AM
2 moms liked this
You're searching for the mom advice but that's what you are getting. You may think and we may all say no overnights until your child is 4 but if the courts say 1 that's when it is
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Alinorre
by New Member on May. 12, 2014 at 1:57 AM
Good God, just forget it. I asked specific questions in the first post and have not received one response to the actual questions asked. This thread is pretty negative, can anyone tell me how to just delete it altogether? First time I've reached out on here, don't think I'll do it again...
Monsita
by Bronze Member on May. 12, 2014 at 10:16 AM
You said, you and you ex are friendly but "you are worry, you fear things will change once the baby is born"
YOUR FEARS ARE CORRECT!
He will want to be either at the delivey or visit his baby at the hospital, as many times he wants, while you are there.
Feeling with rights, as her Dad, he may even ask you if he can stop by your place every day to visit her. In probably a month, he would want to take the baby overnight, and then your fear will be a living nightmare!!!
Having legal rights is a powerfull thing.
Prepare yourself with the right protection: get your court papers in order!!!!!

rachel216
by Member on May. 12, 2014 at 10:34 AM
Well to answer some of your questions yes you can kick him out of your hospital room at anytime. You should be reasonable about it tho like you said that is your childs father. And she.is very safe in.a hospital depending on how much you want him involved the nurse's at the hospital will and can offer education for the both of
you and they can tell you where to seek parenting classes. See if hes willing to take the.steps necessary to be an active parent and if he.doesnt then you make the decisions you feel is best for your child.
Oliviasmom72
by Bronze Member on May. 12, 2014 at 2:50 PM
2 moms liked this

To answer the question on overnight visits, they could start VERY early as in a few months. It depends what the father wants and howe much he will fight for it. There is no way the courts will make him wait until the child is 4 there is no reason too. Likely, he may get overnights as young as 6 months. The courts will require you to pump if you BF, it happens all the time but BF'ing is not a stand alone reason to delay overnights. I have no idea why you are getting so testy here, we are all trying to help you.

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