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I need all points of view

Posted by on Jun. 8, 2014 at 12:43 AM
  • 35 Replies
I've been so emotionally draine the past week. My ex had his gf pick up my daughter from school without sayin a word to me. I came home 30min after she wa out an she was missing. He didn't say a word til after 4min of me calling. He refeused to bring her back or let me talk to her. I had to work the next 4days and I don't have a sitter. Plus what hurts is when I finally heard from my daughter, she didn't think what she did was hurtful. And agreed w what her dad did. It's 3 against 1 now about her moving. I'm of tomorrow so I finally got to see my daughter but for a day an I tried to talk to her about what she wants an she doesn't want to tell me how she feels an what she wants. Is all of this normal cus she's 11? Or should I fight for her? She told me the only reason she considered moving is to get to know her dads side of the family but she'd have to give up her life.
by on Jun. 8, 2014 at 12:43 AM
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Heathernana23
by Member on Jun. 8, 2014 at 12:45 AM
Sorry 45min and she was gone for 5days
wendythewriter
by Bronze Member on Jun. 8, 2014 at 10:03 AM
1 mom liked this

She's a child, so no, she's not going to see a problem with what happened. And she didn't do anything - have you ever specifically told her not to go with dad's gf? It's entirely possible she thought what she did was perfectly fine because you never told her otherwise. 

I also have to say that it sounds like you might be making things uncomfortable/difficult for her. If she feels the only way she can get to know her dad's family is to move in with him, there has to be something going on. It sounds like maybe you don't let her go with Dad to events where she could meet his family? And if she doesn't want to tell you how she feels and what she wants, I'd take that to mean that you've somehow shown her before that if what she says isn't what you want to hear, you won't be happy. And she doesn't want to make you unhappy, so if her desire is to live with her dad (or even just to see him more), she'll just keep that to herself. 

As far as fighting for her - is she in danger at her dad's? Is there any real reason (other than your love for her and the fact that you want her to live with you) that she shouldn't live with her dad? If not, maybe letting her stay with him for a little while wouldn't be so bad She could get to know his family, and if part of it is that dad seems "fun" because she doesn't see him very often, that'll wear off fast once he has to start being the real parent instead of the "fun" parent. Plus, at 11, she's likely beginning to enter puberty, if she hasn't already - so while she probably wants to put some distance between you and her as part of growing up, she's also going to need you more than ever and she might just decide that she'd rather be back with you for some things rather than dealing with dad. Fighting against what she wants might push her further away. 

I wouldn't just give up, because that could backfire, too. I would just tell her that she needs to be honest and tell you what she wants - and that if living with him is truly what she wants, you'll let her, but not because you don't want her. Let her know she always has a home with you, and can come back whenever she wants. 

Heathernana23
by Member on Jun. 8, 2014 at 10:31 AM
She knew that i would meet her at school, home, or she goes to her friends. She lives w me an I pick her up from school every day. He rarely comes around, about once a week. Her and her dad both know that I never say no to them spending time together cus it's so rare. Holidays I fight for if course but I ask her what she wants. Last holiday season she was w her dad n his family. Her dad rarely sees his family since we are in Sacramento, ca an they are in Oakland,ca. I even told her they are awesome an she doesn't have to go through her dad to talk to them. She has been physically changing and starts jr next yr w advanced classes. I do cry easily but I tell her I jus want to know what she wants. I won't fight for something she doesn't want. Living w dad is a bad idea though. It's a unsafe place, they are pot heads, she'd have to give up school, friends, running, etc. he's broke. Thanks for the response. It's hard for me to go from 11yrs a single parent w my daughter as my partner in crime to an empty home an ignored phone calls.
virginiamama71
by Carrie on Jun. 8, 2014 at 11:29 AM

 Does her school release children to people not listed on the form?

Heathernana23
by Member on Jun. 8, 2014 at 12:07 PM
Yes because unless it's early dismissal during school hrs, it's not their problem what happens to them after the bell rings. They've told me before. When she was at her old school the teachers looked out for the kids but not at her new school and next yr she starts jr high
virginiamama71
by Carrie on Jun. 8, 2014 at 12:20 PM

 I thought schools were responsible for the children.

Quoting Heathernana23: Yes because unless it's early dismissal during school hrs, it's not their problem what happens to them after the bell rings. They've told me before. When she was at her old school the teachers looked out for the kids but not at her new school and next yr she starts jr high

 

scorpiobabes
by on Jun. 8, 2014 at 12:21 PM

Sounds like what my daughter did. We divorced in 04, when she was not quite 11, and that's when the games began. My ex insisted on living a mere 2 1/2 blocks away; one of my neighbors told me that he was across the street, watching my bedroom window when my then-bf was over (where the F was our DD?). He kept up a steady stream of negativity about me, eventually taking me to court over custody (and winning, due to lies, that I only found out 6 1/2 years later!). Now my DD has not called or contacted me in nearly 2 years-her birthday is the 25th this month, when she's going to be 21. 

I NEVER kept her from her father's family, nor would I have ever done so, yet he did keep her from mine, even throughout our marriage! And to now keep her from me just really hurts. My ex is a MASTER manipulator, he did so throughout the entire time I've known him, and continues to do so to this day. I send her cards and messages on her FB wall, but her father disconnected the house phone, and I have no way to contact her otherwise.  I kills me, but I have to live with it since she won't tell me what I actually did to make her so angry at me. I haven't given up on her, but I'm not going to make myself sick of a pair of extremely childish, petty adults either!

wendythewriter
by Bronze Member on Jun. 8, 2014 at 1:10 PM

Well, if it's unsafe, then you don't give in and let her go. You have to do what's best for her. It's not a matter of 3 against 1 - it's a matter of showing a judge that it's not safe for her to live with him. She may not understand right now, but later she will.

You say you don't keep her from his family, and you really just want her to tell you what she wants. So I would ask her why she feels that living with him is the only way she'd get to know his family. The only logical reason that comes to my mind is that you stop her, but you say you don't, so you need to get inside her head and find out what reason she has for thinking that. Maybe even though you don't stop her from seeing her dad and his family, you don't help a lot to encourage it? Maybe you need to help encourage the relationship with phone calls, skype, etc? Even if they don't do much on their end, at least maybe it would make her see that YOU aren't the reason that she doesn't see them and that moving in with Dad won't fix things? 

Quoting Heathernana23: She knew that i would meet her at school, home, or she goes to her friends. She lives w me an I pick her up from school every day. He rarely comes around, about once a week. Her and her dad both know that I never say no to them spending time together cus it's so rare. Holidays I fight for if course but I ask her what she wants. Last holiday season she was w her dad n his family. Her dad rarely sees his family since we are in Sacramento, ca an they are in Oakland,ca. I even told her they are awesome an she doesn't have to go through her dad to talk to them. She has been physically changing and starts jr next yr w advanced classes. I do cry easily but I tell her I jus want to know what she wants. I won't fight for something she doesn't want. Living w dad is a bad idea though. It's a unsafe place, they are pot heads, she'd have to give up school, friends, running, etc. he's broke. Thanks for the response. It's hard for me to go from 11yrs a single parent w my daughter as my partner in crime to an empty home an ignored phone calls.


bellasmom32510
by on Jun. 8, 2014 at 1:26 PM

You said you had to work the next 4 days and don't have a sitter...so what was she going to do? Do you expect her to be home alone?

Jenn8604
by Gold Member on Jun. 8, 2014 at 1:31 PM
I would be looking into a new school.

Quoting Heathernana23: Yes because unless it's early dismissal during school hrs, it's not their problem what happens to them after the bell rings. They've told me before. When she was at her old school the teachers looked out for the kids but not at her new school and next yr she starts jr high
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