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Moms - is it your job to call your ex & give him an update on the kids, or should they call you?

Posted by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 8:17 PM
  • 32 Replies

Yesterday I sent DS's dad (my ex) a text telling him when school starts, school fees, & monthly after school care costs. He called me back flipping out & telling me that I only call/txt when I need something. (Which isn't true b/c there's not much he can offer, so that is simply laughable.) I send him pics of DS occasionally & we do talk on the phone and he talks to DS, but it's not a daily thing. I'm too busy working FT, taking DS places, reading, & raising him to stop and call his dad and give him a freakin' play-by-play.

He asked what DS was doing & I told him that he was playing a game on my phone. His reply, "Well how come you don't teach him how to call me instead of letting him play games?!" LMAO!! This guy is unbelievable. DS knows that he can call his dad whenever he wants & he asks sometimes. I always call when he requests to. But his dad works nights & weekends, so our schedules are off. When we're downtown on the weekends I always call to see where he's working and if we can stop by or meet up. So it's not like I don't make an effort. Whenever he's wanting to be a dick or doesn't have the $ or just feeling insecure, he berates me & it is so irritating. Him berating me is like a defense mechanism for him & he loves to antagonize me. But when he throws $50 my way, he wants to be a fucking hero or something. 

Then he goes back to saying that it's my fault that we're not together. (I did leave him, but for good reason.) And he thinks that my leaving him is his excuse for not contributing financially to DS. He thinks that I should call him and tell him how DS is progressing. And what really pisses me off is that he wants to give DS pep talks & try to raise him over the phone. What's the point?! It doesn't work!

So do you believe that moms should call the absent dad? Or should dads be the ones to call and get info? 

If anything major happens, of course I will call. (Once we had to spend a Sunday in the ER and all his dad did was complain the entire time. He kept going in & out of the room to smoke or talk on the phone. DS is biracial & he was also bitching about how DS's demographic sheet said "black." They only put one race on the form & since I'm the parent that's present at all his appointments, that is what they put down. I'm trying to communicate with Drs and nurses and tend to my DS. He has no idea how to parent a child, so even if it is important, he's not a good support system to have around. I try to keep involved, I really do. But he is just not a good parent. He makes things worse & stresses me out.) 

by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 8:17 PM
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by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 9:02 PM
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I think its important to update/ remind him of important things...anything concerning scheduling for example. Everything else is a waste of your time, he's your ex b/c he couldn't keep up and be reliable. Its his fault he's out of the pic, you don't owe him a play by play. If your sending pics and not keeping things "business only" he may have those expectations of you. Long story short...keep it business only he's complicated your life enough already.
by Queen24Princes on Jul. 23, 2014 at 9:07 PM
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The ex should call.
by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 9:21 PM
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I used to let my kids father know what was going on with them but when I realized that he just didn't give a fuck...I stopped. I shouldn't have had to do it in the first place. 

To answer your question...the absent parent should call. If they don't, well to me that shows just how much they don't care. If they did, they'd initiate contact.  

by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 10:13 PM
I know it's frustrating and you just want him to care. You want him to know what's going on with his child because he should know and he should be the one making it his business to know but since he doesn't, you give him the information he should have. I don't have an answer for this, I struggle with it myself. In the beginning my sons father would text often to ask about him. Now its at his convenience. It bothers me. Maybe because I can't imagine not knowing how my child is daily. Or maybe it's because the separation is still fairly new. Some days I just let it go and figure he will text when he wants to know. But my son has been battling a cold and he can't even be bothered to ask how he is. I called him out on his bullshit and he claimed he was busy doing something else. Because everything is a priority except his son. It's frustrating. I imagine that eventually I will stop updating him because if he truly gave a shit, he would ask.
by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 10:23 PM
My sons father chose to stop seeing him. I don't send him anything. I don't tell him anything. And it's not my job to involve him in my sons life. He chose to walk out the door.
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by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 10:39 PM
This is an ongoing issue with me as well. The only time he wants any info on the kids is when I periodically call him out on being a dead beat. Then he has the audacity to tell me it's my fault because I don't keep him informed on what's going on. Sorry, but he doesn't make the effort. I used to try to keep him updated but it usually just fell on deaf ears. He never asks what's going on in their lives. He calls them about twice a week but just to say hello. We have 4 children and it's a 3-4 minute phone call, tops. Our son has been struggling in school the past 2 years, he doesn't ever ask how it's going. He's now going for testing to hopefully rule out a learning disability and the only thing he cares about is how much this is going to cost him in copays for the specialist. I'm so tired of it. So I say, it's the non custodial parent's responsibility to make the effort to be involved in the child's life. You are involved on your end, you shouldn't have to try to keep him involved too!!! Ridiculous.
by Carrie on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:24 PM

 Both parents should be mature and end all this back and forth, who does or does not do, so the children can learn to have a relationship with both parents.

by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:55 PM

I hate that, when men don't communicate.  No its not really your responsibility to give him a play by play.  If he really cared, he has a phone and can always call you or your son.  It works both ways.  I recently got pissed cause my ex is getting married next month and he asked me to take DD last weekend (normally his weekend) so he could go out on his bachelor party.  Well for reasons unknown to me he cancels last minute.  His DF was supposed to drop DD off at summer program on Friday and I was going to get her after work and keep her through the weekend.  Nobody called me to let me know they changed their plans.  Luckily I texted his DF to see if everything went as planned that morning - this was at 4 pm close to when I was about to leave work to go get her.  They never dropped her off and my ex kept her.  I was pissed because it would have been embarrassing to go to her summer program after work and not find DD there.  AHHHH...  We should not be the ones to always make the communication barrier!!!!  I totally get your frustration.  My ex is ohhhhh so busy that he cant pick up a phone or text for a < 1min conversation or text.  This happens on multiple occasions with him.  I am usually pretty easy going, but lack of basic courtesy really annoys me.  I just don't get it.

by Anonymous 1 on Jul. 24, 2014 at 12:30 AM
You are raising your DS so his father should call you. It the way it works in my house unless its serious like high fever headed to the er I do not call him he can call me and check on his kids.
I believe that shows love and concern for the child.
by Anonymous 2 on Jul. 24, 2014 at 12:37 AM

From an NCP pov, (I am bio-mom) I think the CP should inform the NCP about the child's day to day life. Reasoning is because CP has child more time twith child than NCP does and is primarily the caretaker of the child and has to take care of child's needs.  Therefore CP is primarily the one to inform NCP of such situations.  Am I saying to call him every day?  No.  Am I  saying to call him about every little detail going in the child's life?  No.  What I am saying is give him information that he needs to know - e.g. letting him know when school is starting, let him know about dr's, dentist appointments, etc by letting him know the time and date, and where appt is located.  Let him know if child is in any extra carricular activities be it at school or outside of school time.  The important thing here is to inform him of situations he can be involved in. Just tell him once.   It's up to him to keep a written tab.  It doesn't mean he will attend to all, but you did inform him of said issues.  You do hot need to argue with him.  If it's best to communicate just send him a note of said item, or send the school information to him,   If he has questions he can follow up with you or anyone else that child's life is involved in.  Any extracarricular activities such as soccer, baseball, etc send him the schedule (the entire season) and a contact person he needs to contact in case of cancelations or while child is in his care.  If he berates, or argues with you, just ignore (document what is being said) and go on with your life.  Just keep informing him of the important issues in child's life.

He wouldn't know what is going on in the child's life unless you tell him of these things or your child will tell him.  But do not ever have your child be a messenger for you on such things.  Depending on the age of the child, if child is younger than 5 yrs old then father should make arrangements to at least calll nightly or once or twice week to say good night.  If your child is over age 5, then your child should be able to contact father and just talk - but it doesn't need to be conversations about adult situations and father should know what those are. This also goes for father to be able to contact child as well. 

You have to set aside the anger no matter who left the relationship.  It's the best interest of the child.  Put your child's needs above all else  and that includes contacting father about important issues.  Like a PP stated keep it business with him over the child's sake.

Think of it in terms if you were the NCP and you had to do all the calling.  Do you think it would be fair to you then to call CP all the time, when you didn't know what's going on in child's life?

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