I have two boys who are my world. They are 8 and 5 years old. I try to
encourage a relationship between them and their father even though it
kills me. I know in the long run it's the right thing to do.
A little background information. Their father wasn't involved before we got divorced and for about six months after the divorce. Then he started following the decree and taking them on his weekends. This KILLED me because to be apart from my boys leaves me with a feeling of depression and dread that begins a few days before they go and overwhelms me the first day or two they are gone.
I have hobbies, friends, etc....
However it NEVER gets easier as I thought it might as more time went by.
Their father does this thing where he "buys" them. If I get something for them and they are excited then he buys it for them too. It's become a very unhealthy situation as I don't want my boys to think they should have things bought for them. When they return to me he always buys them something THAT day so as to entice them to not want to go back to my house. I have majority and custodial custody so the boys are with me most of the time.
I find this type of relationship to be immature. I can't expect an 8 and 5 year old to say no to gifts and ruin their excitement over new things. I won't say anything to their dad because it wouldn't make a difference if I did and he has every right to spend his money as he sees fit. But at the end of the day I want to believe they will know it was all just smoke and mirrors. In the meantime I keep my mouth shut to them and never squash their excitement no matter how much I want to say something. I'm literally praying to God as they talk to me to give me the strength to keep my words kind and suitable for my two young boys.
My ex and I argue over the boys medication, what games they play, what friends they have, what time they're put in bed, what they eat, etc.... And these are actually things my ex attacks ME about. I don't do the same to him because my philosophy is as long as the boys aren't telling me they're upset about something it's none of my business what goes on at his house. When I go to his house to pick up the boys I stay in the entrance unless I'm invited in. When he comes to pick up the boys he literally goes past me and ventures to their room and playroom almost as if he's scoping it out. I don't like this and am wondering if I'm being paranoid.
My oldest told me that he's starting to feel nervous with his dad because of all the questions his dad asks him. They are all questions about what our home life is like, what is our schedule, where have I taken them, what have they done with my parents who live in town and basically just inappropriate probing. My oldest is smart for an 8 year old because he told me that he doesn't think daddy should be asking him these questions and he wants to know what he should say from now on that won't get him in trouble.
There are a lot of
things my "ex" does which are immoral and cause confusion for the
children. I just found out that my 5 year old woke up twice in the
middle of the night after begging to call me before bed but their father
said no. Then when he woke up at 2am over at their father's house my
ex got upset and basically my 5 year old got in trouble. I addressed
that issue because it has always been just me and my 5 year old since he
almost died from C. difficile at 14 months of age, was diagnosed with
pervasive development disorder and then high functioning autism. I left
a good job for three years so that he would walk, talk and speak which
he does very well now. My returning to work after the divorce was a
huge transition for him which didn't go over well.
Tomorrow they leave for a whole week and I am REALLY having a hard time with it. However, I won't let them know it and keep reiterating that they will have the best time. I'm tired of always putting on the air of excitement when internally I feel like I'm going to be sick.
Why does it bother me so much to be away from them and how do I break this pattern of being depressed and anxious? When does the crying stop? I absolutely hate these feelings.
I appreciate the support and look forward to getting to know everyone!