Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Single Moms Single Moms

45 seconds...

Posted by on Aug. 9, 2014 at 9:43 PM
  • 18 Replies

of my ex and I talking like civil parents. He talked to ds tonight and when they were done talking, I got on to make sure he had heard everything ds was trying to tell him. DS had gotten hurt at football practice, nothing major, but I was making sure he knew about it. We started talking about the positions he was playing (either end or tackle) It was actually a normal, civil conversation.

Then I made the mistake of asking if he had gotten the messages I sent updating him on game schedules and open house for school. I'm trying to keep him updated so he can be involved if he wants. Which turned into excuses of how he can't get time off work to come for that stuff and accusing me of not letting him see ds. Not true, at all. We have no CO yet, I have given him options of visits and he doesn't like what I suggest but won't give me any other suggestions besides HIS way or "you're keeping my son from me!" As soon as he started ranting though, I got off the phone quickly. I refuse to engage him and argue in front of ds any more.

How do you ladies keep things at least civil with your ex's? Or how do you handle it when they try to pick fights?

by on Aug. 9, 2014 at 9:43 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Aug. 9, 2014 at 11:06 PM
1 mom liked this

You did the right thing informing him of the updates. Realize it's up to him to make the time to seeing his son as much as he can.  HIm making excuses to you was in the wrong.  Next time rather than talking to him on the phone or face to face, send him (email, us mail, or hand him a slip of paper when you see him with all information). NEVER, EVER USE YOUR CHILD AS THE MESSENGER THOUGH.   There is no need for him to then make excuses to you as you have written it down for him to see it on paper.  If he can't make it, it's on him, you have done your part informing him as best you can and that's all you have to do.  Keep going, it gets better.  Good Luck.

FLmom26
by Bronze Member on Aug. 9, 2014 at 11:28 PM

Most often we talk via email or text, for this very reason. We can't talk without arguing. He's mainly mad because I won't let him be in complete control. While I will encourage a relationship between him and ds, I will not bend to his every whim and I will insist that our son's needs (and some wants) come before his desire to be in control and have it his way.

I love how controlling, abusive men get so mad when a women finally gets the guts to stand up to them. smh

Quoting Anonymous:

You did the right thing informing him of the updates. Realize it's up to him to make the time to seeing his son as much as he can.  HIm making excuses to you was in the wrong.  Next time rather than talking to him on the phone or face to face, send him (email, us mail, or hand him a slip of paper when you see him with all information). NEVER, EVER USE YOUR CHILD AS THE MESSENGER THOUGH.   There is no need for him to then make excuses to you as you have written it down for him to see it on paper.  If he can't make it, it's on him, you have done your part informing him as best you can and that's all you have to do.  Keep going, it gets better.  Good Luck.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Aug. 10, 2014 at 12:22 AM

What does he need to be in control of?  There is absolutely nothing. 

You are the primary parent. It's like when your child is sick, you have to make the dr appointment, and if your child is in school will be missing school for a day. The school wouldn't be calling you, you would be calling the school to inform them child will be out for certain time. (School says "OK". It's the same thing you would do, by contacting your ex about your child for specific reasons. If child's sick and has a dr appt inform your ex, with time and date, place and dr).  If he doesn't want to be there for his child, it's not your problem, it's his. You informed him and that's all you have to do.  Do what is in the best interest of the child.  The child has as much rights to having a relationship with the other parent as you do with your child. (It's more than just visitation days/time in some cases).

There is nothing for you to bending over backwards about.  You've done your deed informing the ex.  It's up to ex to do something about it, being involved or not being involved..  If he can't make it, it's not your problem,only his.  Don't argue with him.  Not even in writing.  (Such as you telling him a dr appt - date, time and place and who the dr is).  He writes you back giving some excuse.  Set the note aside in your pile.  Someday when he decides to take you to court, you have the documents saying what you said and what he said.  The judge will probably slap him on the hand for not complying with your written issues.

Divorces/breakups are hard to deal with.  Let go of the anger and do right for your child - not for yourself. 

Quoting FLmom26:

Most often we talk via email or text, for this very reason. We can't talk without arguing. He's mainly mad because I won't let him be in complete control. While I will encourage a relationship between him and ds, I will not bend to his every whim and I will insist that our son's needs (and some wants) come before his desire to be in control and have it his way.

I love how controlling, abusive men get so mad when a women finally gets the guts to stand up to them. smh

Quoting Anonymous:

You did the right thing informing him of the updates. Realize it's up to him to make the time to seeing his son as much as he can.  HIm making excuses to you was in the wrong.  Next time rather than talking to him on the phone or face to face, send him (email, us mail, or hand him a slip of paper when you see him with all information). NEVER, EVER USE YOUR CHILD AS THE MESSENGER THOUGH.   There is no need for him to then make excuses to you as you have written it down for him to see it on paper.  If he can't make it, it's on him, you have done your part informing him as best you can and that's all you have to do.  Keep going, it gets better.  Good Luck.

 

 

FLmom26
by Bronze Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 1:48 AM

The whole world, apparantly lol. He's the type that if he's not the one calling the shots, then everyone is doing him wrong. For example, he had ds for 3 weeks this summer. We agreed on that and I said I would make my plans with ds around his time with him. He wanted to get ds again later in the summer. I said no because he had his time and we had other things going on, so now I'm keeping ds from him and not letting him seeing him. I should also mention that my ex lives out of state with one of the multiple women he cheated on me with and got pregnant (he claims he's going to marry this one). That does make it a little more difficult to be involved in some things, even though that was he choice to leave and start a new family. But I try to let him know about things as far in advance as I can. That's all I really can do. He talks big and tries to come off like father of the year, but can't even attempt to be there for things like his son's very 1st football game or awards day at school, etc. (Even when I've gone so far as to offer to pay for a hotel room for him to come here and stay so he can be there) I know that's small stuff to some people, but I see those memories as a big deal.

Quoting Anonymous:

What does he need to be in control of?  There is absolutely nothing. 

You are the primary parent. It's like when your child is sick, you have to make the dr appointment, and if your child is in school will be missing school for a day. The school wouldn't be calling you, you would be calling the school to inform them child will be out for certain time. (School says "OK". It's the same thing you would do, by contacting your ex about your child for specific reasons. If child's sick and has a dr appt inform your ex, with time and date, place and dr).  If he doesn't want to be there for his child, it's not your problem, it's his. You informed him and that's all you have to do.  Do what is in the best interest of the child.  The child has as much rights to having a relationship with the other parent as you do with your child. (It's more than just visitation days/time in some cases).

There is nothing for you to bending over backwards about.  You've done your deed informing the ex.  It's up to ex to do something about it, being involved or not being involved..  If he can't make it, it's not your problem,only his.  Don't argue with him.  Not even in writing.  (Such as you telling him a dr appt - date, time and place and who the dr is).  He writes you back giving some excuse.  Set the note aside in your pile.  Someday when he decides to take you to court, you have the documents saying what you said and what he said.  The judge will probably slap him on the hand for not complying with your written issues.

Divorces/breakups are hard to deal with.  Let go of the anger and do right for your child - not for yourself. 

Quoting FLmom26:

Most often we talk via email or text, for this very reason. We can't talk without arguing. He's mainly mad because I won't let him be in complete control. While I will encourage a relationship between him and ds, I will not bend to his every whim and I will insist that our son's needs (and some wants) come before his desire to be in control and have it his way.

I love how controlling, abusive men get so mad when a women finally gets the guts to stand up to them. smh

Quoting Anonymous:

You did the right thing informing him of the updates. Realize it's up to him to make the time to seeing his son as much as he can.  HIm making excuses to you was in the wrong.  Next time rather than talking to him on the phone or face to face, send him (email, us mail, or hand him a slip of paper when you see him with all information). NEVER, EVER USE YOUR CHILD AS THE MESSENGER THOUGH.   There is no need for him to then make excuses to you as you have written it down for him to see it on paper.  If he can't make it, it's on him, you have done your part informing him as best you can and that's all you have to do.  Keep going, it gets better.  Good Luck.


 


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Aug. 10, 2014 at 2:16 AM

Ok.  You say there is no court order. Were you married to him or simply in a relationship with this man.? If you were married, and the marriage was not dissolved through court, one of you should have taken the steps to dissolve the marriage as well as taken the steps for child support and visitation and everything else for your child.  Or you are going to be left in the cold.

You have stated here,  he has already moved on with his life and causing you hell and your letting him do so because your not taking the legal steps yourself to protecting you and your child. 

 If it's due to a breakup, then file for child support and visitation and everything else to protecting you and your child. With no court order on file, you allow him to having visitation again, whether in your hometown or where he is currently living, he is liable to keep the kid and not send him back to you and then he will take you to court to get what he wants.  Good Luck. 

  

Quoting FLmom26:

The whole world, apparantly lol. He's the type that if he's not the one calling the shots, then everyone is doing him wrong. For example, he had ds for 3 weeks this summer. We agreed on that and I said I would make my plans with ds around his time with him. He wanted to get ds again later in the summer. I said no because he had his time and we had other things going on, so now I'm keeping ds from him and not letting him seeing him. I should also mention that my ex lives out of state with one of the multiple women he cheated on me with and got pregnant (he claims he's going to marry this one). That does make it a little more difficult to be involved in some things, even though that was he choice to leave and start a new family. But I try to let him know about things as far in advance as I can. That's all I really can do. He talks big and tries to come off like father of the year, but can't even attempt to be there for things like his son's very 1st football game or awards day at school, etc. (Even when I've gone so far as to offer to pay for a hotel room for him to come here and stay so he can be there) I know that's small stuff to some people, but I see those memories as a big deal.

Quoting Anonymous:

What does he need to be in control of?  There is absolutely nothing. 

You are the primary parent. It's like when your child is sick, you have to make the dr appointment, and if your child is in school will be missing school for a day. The school wouldn't be calling you, you would be calling the school to inform them child will be out for certain time. (School says "OK". It's the same thing you would do, by contacting your ex about your child for specific reasons. If child's sick and has a dr appt inform your ex, with time and date, place and dr).  If he doesn't want to be there for his child, it's not your problem, it's his. You informed him and that's all you have to do.  Do what is in the best interest of the child.  The child has as much rights to having a relationship with the other parent as you do with your child. (It's more than just visitation days/time in some cases).

There is nothing for you to bending over backwards about.  You've done your deed informing the ex.  It's up to ex to do something about it, being involved or not being involved..  If he can't make it, it's not your problem,only his.  Don't argue with him.  Not even in writing.  (Such as you telling him a dr appt - date, time and place and who the dr is).  He writes you back giving some excuse.  Set the note aside in your pile.  Someday when he decides to take you to court, you have the documents saying what you said and what he said.  The judge will probably slap him on the hand for not complying with your written issues.

Divorces/breakups are hard to deal with.  Let go of the anger and do right for your child - not for yourself. 

Quoting FLmom26:

Most often we talk via email or text, for this very reason. We can't talk without arguing. He's mainly mad because I won't let him be in complete control. While I will encourage a relationship between him and ds, I will not bend to his every whim and I will insist that our son's needs (and some wants) come before his desire to be in control and have it his way.

I love how controlling, abusive men get so mad when a women finally gets the guts to stand up to them. smh

Quoting Anonymous:

You did the right thing informing him of the updates. Realize it's up to him to make the time to seeing his son as much as he can.  HIm making excuses to you was in the wrong.  Next time rather than talking to him on the phone or face to face, send him (email, us mail, or hand him a slip of paper when you see him with all information). NEVER, EVER USE YOUR CHILD AS THE MESSENGER THOUGH.   There is no need for him to then make excuses to you as you have written it down for him to see it on paper.  If he can't make it, it's on him, you have done your part informing him as best you can and that's all you have to do.  Keep going, it gets better.  Good Luck.

 

 

 

 

FLmom26
by Bronze Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 3:24 AM

No we weren't married. I have filed for child support. He chose not to voluntarily sign for child support so the state is taking court action to make him do so. I've tried speaking to a lawyer (the best in our county, in fact) he told me if we can do it without going to court, that is the best option. My ex isn't making threats of taking him and not bringing him back so I am trying to work things out amicably. My ex is just the type who wants to dictate the terms of everything. If I say you can have weekend "X," He'll say no, I want weekend "Y" and if I don't have it my way then I'll tell anyone who'll listen that you're not letting me see my son. In the case of child support, I asked if he was willing to send money for school clothes. He said he'll buy stuff and send it here but he refuses to send me money directly (his exact words) I have everything documented with emails showing where I have tried to facilitate a relationship and allow him to see our son.

Quoting Anonymous:

Ok.  You say there is no court order. Were you married to him or simply in a relationship with this man.? If you were married, and the marriage was not dissolved through court, one of you should have taken the steps to dissolve the marriage as well as taken the steps for child support and visitation and everything else for your child.  Or you are going to be left in the cold.

You have stated here,  he has already moved on with his life and causing you hell and your letting him do so because your not taking the legal steps yourself to protecting you and your child. 

 If it's due to a breakup, then file for child support and visitation and everything else to protecting you and your child. With no court order on file, you allow him to having visitation again, whether in your hometown or where he is currently living, he is liable to keep the kid and not send him back to you and then he will take you to court to get what he wants.  Good Luck. 

cjsmom1
by Platinum Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 6:13 AM

Just keep emailing him about all the important things for your son. That way if he does go to court and say you don't let him see ds you have proof that you email him about everything.

I think you handled the phone call just right. When he starts trying to argue with you quickly get off the phone. He'll eventually get it and either not speak to you or quit trying to argue.

FLmom26
by Bronze Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 6:27 AM

Thanks. It helped that ds was sitting right beside me. He has told me that he's heard me and his dad arguing on the phone before and it makes him sad (this was during a session with a family counselor I took ds to to help him deal with me and his dad splitting). It's hard since he knows the right buttons to push to tick me off, but my ds being right there was an extra reminder to stop it before it got any further.

Quoting cjsmom1:

Just keep emailing him about all the important things for your son. That way if he does go to court and say you don't let him see ds you have proof that you email him about everything.

I think you handled the phone call just right. When he starts trying to argue with you quickly get off the phone. He'll eventually get it and either not speak to you or quit trying to argue.


Nisha929
by Bronze Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 6:51 PM

I don't talk to my kids father unless it's about their insurance. I try to communicate via text only when we have to discuss that but last week I actually had to call and talk to him on the phone. He has made it crystal clear that he doesn't wanna be in their lives so I don't send pictures, provide updates, etc. I don't see the point in informing someone that has shown over and over again that he doesn't wanna be involved.

FLmom26
by Bronze Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 7:12 PM

I try to limit our communication as much as I can. Most of the time when he calls to talk to ds, I'll get off the phone so quickly ds will say something about how I don't talk to his dad anymore. Can't exactly tell a 7 year old that I don't because his dad's a psychopathic a**hole. He'll figure that out all on his own in time :/

The main reason I update him is for show. Don't get me wrong, no matter I personally feel, if he wants to be a consistent positive part of our son's life that's great. But honestly, if he doesn't make any effort and then takes me to court and says I won't let him see ds, then I can show proof that I've done my part.

Quoting Nisha929:

I don't talk to my kids father unless it's about their insurance. I try to communicate via text only when we have to discuss that but last week I actually had to call and talk to him on the phone. He has made it crystal clear that he doesn't wanna be in their lives so I don't send pictures, provide updates, etc. I don't see the point in informing someone that has shown over and over again that he doesn't wanna be involved.


Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN