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My kids are all handling my divorce differently, what's normal and what's not?

Posted by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 11:56 PM
  • 16 Replies
My husband and I have decided to get divorced after a long time of him mistreating my kids (mainly my sons and especially my middle son Thomas). He became very obsessed with the boys being very masculine, and Tommy is a little more sensitive and artistic rather than manly and athletic like his older brother. I'd decided that it had gone too far, and now he's not living with us anymore. My kids are all handling it differently- Weston just kinda shrugged it off when I told him and left quickly to his room. Lately I feel like I barely ever see him and all he does is play his guitar super loud in his room. The same goes for Tommy, except he's completely withdrawn himself from everyone and I'm very concerned because he won't talk about it with anyone. Im reluctant to send him to therapy because I have trouble admitting that my son might have "issues", even though going to therapy isn't that big of a deal. The girls are more verbal about it, like usual, and didn't have any problem crying it out and asking questions about why. My youngest son seems to be handling it fairly well too and talking about it when it's bothering him, though he hasn't really cried over the matter. So what do you think? Thank you very much for your responses!
by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 11:56 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ANewMe0812
by Bronze Member on Aug. 11, 2014 at 8:30 AM
There is no normal way a child should handle a divorce. It's a major life change and everyone handles things differently.
Your reluctance to take him your older sons to a therapist is baffling. And yes, I said sons because your son Weston is also withdrawing emotionally and having a difficult time. You are divorcing your husband because of how he treated them, so I assume you care about them and their feelings a great deal. Yet, you won't get them the help they need to sort out their feelings and emotions regarding their parents divorce. It makes no sense. Your sons don't have "issues", their world has just changed dramatically and they need a neutral party to talk it out with. It sounds like your entire family can benefit from some time with a family counselor.
momof5sylvie
by on Aug. 11, 2014 at 10:02 AM
Thank you, I will look into that. I had thought about taking Tommy, but I didn't know about Weston because a.) he doesn't tend to show very much emotion over sad things anyway, but thats probably because he doesn't want to deal with it, b.) my ex wasn't really as hard on him because he naturally was the kind of son he wanted to have. My younger son Jax hadn't really had to deal with it yet, because with my husband it all started when the boys were around the going into middle school age, when everyone is fitting into a clique/stereotype and he wanted them to be known as athletic manly type, I don't even understand why. I think I'm going to bring all my kids because despite the reason, we're getting divorced and it's a big deal....would you recommend them talking to my husband about it/my husband going to therapy with them? They haven't seen him since "the big fight" a few weeks ago when I told him to leave my house, and I certainly don't want to cause any trauma.

Quoting ANewMe0812: There is no normal way a child should handle a divorce. It's a major life change and everyone handles things differently.
Your reluctance to take him your older sons to a therapist is baffling. And yes, I said sons because your son Weston is also withdrawing emotionally and having a difficult time. You are divorcing your husband because of how he treated them, so I assume you care about them and their feelings a great deal. Yet, you won't get them the help they need to sort out their feelings and emotions regarding their parents divorce. It makes no sense. Your sons don't have "issues", their world has just changed dramatically and they need a neutral party to talk it out with. It sounds like your entire family can benefit from some time with a family counselor.
ANewMe0812
by Bronze Member on Aug. 11, 2014 at 10:27 AM
I think it's just that he wants them to fit into the stereotypical role of the popular and successful male.
I would leave your husband out of the therapy sessions for now. You and your children need to heal from this. Good luck with everything


Quoting momof5sylvie: Thank you, I will look into that. I had thought about taking Tommy, but I didn't know about Weston because a.) he doesn't tend to show very much emotion over sad things anyway, but thats probably because he doesn't want to deal with it, b.) my ex wasn't really as hard on him because he naturally was the kind of son he wanted to have. My younger son Jax hadn't really had to deal with it yet, because with my husband it all started when the boys were around the going into middle school age, when everyone is fitting into a clique/stereotype and he wanted them to be known as athletic manly type, I don't even understand why. I think I'm going to bring all my kids because despite the reason, we're getting divorced and it's a big deal....would you recommend them talking to my husband about it/my husband going to therapy with them? They haven't seen him since "the big fight" a few weeks ago when I told him to leave my house, and I certainly don't want to cause any trauma.

Quoting ANewMe0812: There is no normal way a child should handle a divorce. It's a major life change and everyone handles things differently.
Your reluctance to take him your older sons to a therapist is baffling. And yes, I said sons because your son Weston is also withdrawing emotionally and having a difficult time. You are divorcing your husband because of how he treated them, so I assume you care about them and their feelings a great deal. Yet, you won't get them the help they need to sort out their feelings and emotions regarding their parents divorce. It makes no sense. Your sons don't have "issues", their world has just changed dramatically and they need a neutral party to talk it out with. It sounds like your entire family can benefit from some time with a family counselor.
momof5sylvie
by on Aug. 11, 2014 at 10:50 AM
Thank you, I'm really hoping this will help my family. I just hope that my sons don't view getting help as being "weak".

Quoting ANewMe0812: I think it's just that he wants them to fit into the stereotypical role of the popular and successful male.
I would leave your husband out of the therapy sessions for now. You and your children need to heal from this. Good luck with everything


Quoting momof5sylvie: Thank you, I will look into that. I had thought about taking Tommy, but I didn't know about Weston because a.) he doesn't tend to show very much emotion over sad things anyway, but thats probably because he doesn't want to deal with it, b.) my ex wasn't really as hard on him because he naturally was the kind of son he wanted to have. My younger son Jax hadn't really had to deal with it yet, because with my husband it all started when the boys were around the going into middle school age, when everyone is fitting into a clique/stereotype and he wanted them to be known as athletic manly type, I don't even understand why. I think I'm going to bring all my kids because despite the reason, we're getting divorced and it's a big deal....would you recommend them talking to my husband about it/my husband going to therapy with them? They haven't seen him since "the big fight" a few weeks ago when I told him to leave my house, and I certainly don't want to cause any trauma.

Quoting ANewMe0812: There is no normal way a child should handle a divorce. It's a major life change and everyone handles things differently.
Your reluctance to take him your older sons to a therapist is baffling. And yes, I said sons because your son Weston is also withdrawing emotionally and having a difficult time. You are divorcing your husband because of how he treated them, so I assume you care about them and their feelings a great deal. Yet, you won't get them the help they need to sort out their feelings and emotions regarding their parents divorce. It makes no sense. Your sons don't have "issues", their world has just changed dramatically and they need a neutral party to talk it out with. It sounds like your entire family can benefit from some time with a family counselor.
ANewMe0812
by Bronze Member on Aug. 11, 2014 at 11:07 AM
Please read this before you tell your children about therapy. Sorry, can't link as I'm mobile.

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/myth-madness-going-to-therapy-means-im-weak-flawed-or-crazy-1007137


Quoting momof5sylvie: Thank you, I'm really hoping this will help my family. I just hope that my sons don't view getting help as being "weak".

Quoting ANewMe0812: I think it's just that he wants them to fit into the stereotypical role of the popular and successful male.
I would leave your husband out of the therapy sessions for now. You and your children need to heal from this. Good luck with everything


Quoting momof5sylvie: Thank you, I will look into that. I had thought about taking Tommy, but I didn't know about Weston because a.) he doesn't tend to show very much emotion over sad things anyway, but thats probably because he doesn't want to deal with it, b.) my ex wasn't really as hard on him because he naturally was the kind of son he wanted to have. My younger son Jax hadn't really had to deal with it yet, because with my husband it all started when the boys were around the going into middle school age, when everyone is fitting into a clique/stereotype and he wanted them to be known as athletic manly type, I don't even understand why. I think I'm going to bring all my kids because despite the reason, we're getting divorced and it's a big deal....would you recommend them talking to my husband about it/my husband going to therapy with them? They haven't seen him since "the big fight" a few weeks ago when I told him to leave my house, and I certainly don't want to cause any trauma.

Quoting ANewMe0812: There is no normal way a child should handle a divorce. It's a major life change and everyone handles things differently.
Your reluctance to take him your older sons to a therapist is baffling. And yes, I said sons because your son Weston is also withdrawing emotionally and having a difficult time. You are divorcing your husband because of how he treated them, so I assume you care about them and their feelings a great deal. Yet, you won't get them the help they need to sort out their feelings and emotions regarding their parents divorce. It makes no sense. Your sons don't have "issues", their world has just changed dramatically and they need a neutral party to talk it out with. It sounds like your entire family can benefit from some time with a family counselor.
momof5sylvie
by on Aug. 11, 2014 at 11:29 AM
I'm on my mobile too and the link worked. I will defiantly talk to them about this, thank you

Quoting ANewMe0812: Please read this before you tell your children about therapy. Sorry, can't link as I'm mobile.

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/myth-madness-going-to-therapy-means-im-weak-flawed-or-crazy-1007137


Quoting momof5sylvie: Thank you, I'm really hoping this will help my family. I just hope that my sons don't view getting help as being "weak".

Quoting ANewMe0812: I think it's just that he wants them to fit into the stereotypical role of the popular and successful male.
I would leave your husband out of the therapy sessions for now. You and your children need to heal from this. Good luck with everything


Quoting momof5sylvie: Thank you, I will look into that. I had thought about taking Tommy, but I didn't know about Weston because a.) he doesn't tend to show very much emotion over sad things anyway, but thats probably because he doesn't want to deal with it, b.) my ex wasn't really as hard on him because he naturally was the kind of son he wanted to have. My younger son Jax hadn't really had to deal with it yet, because with my husband it all started when the boys were around the going into middle school age, when everyone is fitting into a clique/stereotype and he wanted them to be known as athletic manly type, I don't even understand why. I think I'm going to bring all my kids because despite the reason, we're getting divorced and it's a big deal....would you recommend them talking to my husband about it/my husband going to therapy with them? They haven't seen him since "the big fight" a few weeks ago when I told him to leave my house, and I certainly don't want to cause any trauma.

Quoting ANewMe0812: There is no normal way a child should handle a divorce. It's a major life change and everyone handles things differently.
Your reluctance to take him your older sons to a therapist is baffling. And yes, I said sons because your son Weston is also withdrawing emotionally and having a difficult time. You are divorcing your husband because of how he treated them, so I assume you care about them and their feelings a great deal. Yet, you won't get them the help they need to sort out their feelings and emotions regarding their parents divorce. It makes no sense. Your sons don't have "issues", their world has just changed dramatically and they need a neutral party to talk it out with. It sounds like your entire family can benefit from some time with a family counselor.
Moxiesbuddy
by on Aug. 11, 2014 at 4:58 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this, momof5, but it's good that you're tuned into your kids and how they're processing the changes. As ANewMe mentioned, they might need some ongoing counseling since every age and stage will bring new challenges. They are all unique, and based on their personalities, will react in different ways. A safe third party that's neither mom or dad will give them freedom to talk about their own fears and sadness. If you can find a male counselor, that might help your boys open up as well.

It doesn't surprise me that your girls are more vocal and open about their feelings, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're doing better. You just have a clearer perspective of the issues that are affecting them. Keep trying to engage your boys, whether it's by hanging out and doing an activity together or checking in periodically. 

Is your husband going to stay involved even though he's moved out?

Moxiesbuddy

LifeCafe42
by Nora on Aug. 11, 2014 at 11:59 PM
Everyone processes change different. Think of a therapist not as someone you go to because you have issues but a neutral ear to talk to. Please don't deny him help
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cjsmom1
by Platinum Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 12:51 AM

There is no right way to handle major life events. As you can see all of your kids are ahndling it differently. how old are your kids? I would take them all to see a therapist that way the older 2 don't feel singled out

momof5sylvie
by on Aug. 12, 2014 at 1:05 AM
My kids ages- Weston is 15, Everlie is 13, Tommy is 12, Stella is 10 and Jax is 9. I'm thinking of taking the girls to see a female therapist and the boys to see a male one because I think they will be more comfortable that way. Before I do any of that though I'm going to take tommy to the doctor just to get checked out because I'm getting concerned that he's suffering depression :/

Quoting cjsmom1:

There is no right way to handle major life events. As you can see all of your kids are ahndling it differently. how old are your kids? I would take them all to see a therapist that way the older 2 don't feel singled out

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