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I love my kids....AND I deserve happiness

Posted by on Aug. 14, 2014 at 8:58 PM
  • 14 Replies
Does anyone else feel this way? I'm just feeling really frustrated and sad right now......
My 12 year marriage ended almost 3 years ago. For about the past year and 1/2, I've been in a committed relationship with another man. He's a good man, and he is good to my kids. We have a stable, healthy, drama-free relationship.
My ex-husband is not in a relationship....not that he hasn't been, though. He has had multiple relationships with other women since we divorced.
I have physical custody, we share legal. My kids see their father like clockwork-every other weekend. We only live about 30 minutes apart.
My issue is this. I have a son and daughter. My son, who is 7 years old, is often sad about the fact that his father and I are no longer together. When he gets sad, I always stop what I'm doing and sit down to talk with him. He tells me he just wishes we could still all be together. He wishes his father and I could get back together. I basically listen, tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am that his daddy and I couldn't make it work. I explain that we just decided we could be better parents to them if we didn't live together.
I'm so tired of feeling guilty! I'm so tired of feeling like a shitty mother for wanting a happy intimate relationship! I give EVERYTHING of myself to my kids! I bust my butt everyday at work and come home at night to do all the stuff that good mothers do for their kids and then I get up the next day and do it all again because I love them! But dammit I deserve someone who loves me the way I should be loved, and treats me like a lady, and is responsible and honorable and.....Ugh!!!! Being an grown up is hard! They have no idea! I won't get into the reasons for my divorce but will just say that their father was the exact opposite of all those things...BUT I CANT TELL THEM THAT-AND I DONT-THEY ONLY HEAR ME SAY GOOD THINGS ABOUT HIM. And I stayed with him all those years because I didn't think I deserved or could find anything better and I was wrong!! No I am not perfect but I'm a good mother and a good person and I'm tired of feeling like I failed my kids!!! I did fail them actually........😔😔....so did their father......but I'm human.....and I'm trying to make it up to them. Why can't my kids just see that and be happy for me. :-( I just want to cry....guess this turned into a rant. I'm sorry, just needed to get that off my chest but I have no one to talk to about it. 😔
by on Aug. 14, 2014 at 8:58 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ANewMe0812
by Bronze Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 9:08 PM
2 moms liked this
You didn't fail your kids. You love them and work hard to support them and you really, really care about them. That's the opposite of failing your kids. So your relationship with their father didn't work out. It's unfortunate but not a failure on your part. It sounds like you are doing all that you can to assure your son that what happened between you and his dad was the best thing for everyone. Honestly, you sound like a damn good mom. You do deserve happiness. Your son is having a hard time but whether you are in a relationship or not he would still be having those feelings. Allow yourself to be happy. Some guilt is normal but it should not be keeping you from enjoying your relationship and life. Maybe try some counseling for your son? It may help.
Mommy_of_RM
by New Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 9:18 PM
1 mom liked this
Thank you so much for that. Your response made me cry....you said the words I needed to hear. I would imagine I have some of the same feelings as a lot of single moms....it's nice to have a place to come and let them out with people who understand.

Quoting ANewMe0812: You didn't fail your kids. You love them and work hard to support them and you really, really care about them. That's the opposite of failing your kids. So your relationship with their father didn't work out. It's unfortunate but not a failure on your part. It sounds like you are doing all that you can to assure your son that what happened between you and his dad was the best thing for everyone. Honestly, you sound like a damn good mom. You do deserve happiness. Your son is having a hard time but whether you are in a relationship or not he would still be having those feelings. Allow yourself to be happy. Some guilt is normal but it should not be keeping you from enjoying your relationship and life. Maybe try some counseling for your son? It may help.
ANewMe0812
by Bronze Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 9:59 PM
You're welcome! 😊

Quoting Mommy_of_RM: Thank you so much for that. Your response made me cry....you said the words I needed to hear. I would imagine I have some of the same feelings as a lot of single moms....it's nice to have a place to come and let them out with people who understand.

Quoting ANewMe0812: You didn't fail your kids. You love them and work hard to support them and you really, really care about them. That's the opposite of failing your kids. So your relationship with their father didn't work out. It's unfortunate but not a failure on your part. It sounds like you are doing all that you can to assure your son that what happened between you and his dad was the best thing for everyone. Honestly, you sound like a damn good mom. You do deserve happiness. Your son is having a hard time but whether you are in a relationship or not he would still be having those feelings. Allow yourself to be happy. Some guilt is normal but it should not be keeping you from enjoying your relationship and life. Maybe try some counseling for your son? It may help.
LifeCafe42
by Nora on Aug. 14, 2014 at 11:41 PM
You haven't failed them yes they don't have 2 parents in a home but they don't have an unhappy home either. Hugs
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cjsmom1
by Platinum Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 2:22 AM

You haven't failed. You are doing everything yuo can to raise your kids and that's what really matters. I know it's hard know, but as your kids get older they'll understand why you and their dad aren't together.

PinkEminem
by Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 2:29 AM

=(

wendythewriter
by Bronze Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 8:31 AM

You said it yourself - they have no idea. You have to remind yourself that they don't know why you and their father aren't together, so they can't understand why it's not an option. And of course, you can't tell them why (maybe when they're adults, you could, depending on all the relationships and whether you think they should know at that point), so they're going to keep hoping for something that you know can't happen. 

All you can do is just keep telling them that you're sorry you can't give them what they want (you and their father back together), but that even though they can't see it, you and their father honestly did do what is best for everyone, including them. They still won't understand, but the only other option is to tell them dirty details that wouldn't really help anyway. 

Don't rely on your kids for validation of what you did. YOU know it was right. As long as YOU know it was right, that's all that matters. 

One other thought - you've been divorced for 3 years. How often is your son getting sad over it? If it's still very often, you might consider having him talk to a counselor. After 3 years, it seems like there should be some amount of acceptance of the divorce, and if he's not accepting it, maybe there are some other issues that need to be addressed. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with him, maybe he's perfectly fine, but if it's like a daily or weekly thing, maybe he needs some help working through it. 

Callaly
by Jessica on Aug. 15, 2014 at 10:35 AM

 You have NOT failed and you need to get that out of your head right now!! Kids are going to ask questions, its only normal! Eventually you will have been broken up with your ex longer then your kids remember you were together and it will become thier normal! Every kid deals with it differently.

I was horribly sad when I left my ex, not because I was leaving him but because DD wouldn't have both parents under the same roof, I swear I thought about going back to him just to give her that.. but hes a little girl she deserves to live in a happy household! I am glad that now I live with my SO and her and she can actually have a happy household and see what true love is really like!

ivf_blessed
by Bronze Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 11:36 AM

 (((HUGS))) - my 7 year old does the same thing.  It's sooooo hard, of course we don't want our children to be unhappy but sometimes life happens and our job is to love them & teach them to cope....which sounds to me, exactly what you are doing.

Hang in there Mama!

Moxiesbuddy
by on Aug. 15, 2014 at 2:25 PM

Mommy_of_RM, you are being an awesome role model to your kids, and yes, it's even harder to do all the parenting things without a partner. One day they will appreciate your sacrifices and you'll be glad you made the choice to invest in their lives so intentionally. They may always wish for you and your ex to be together, but just remind them how blessed they are to have both of you in their lives. Your explanations for your son thus far are completely age-appropriate and respectful. There's no need to feel guilt about their struggles or questions. It will make them stronger, just as it has you.

I think every mom has the tendency to put her needs last and then we get bitter about the fact that no one takes care of us - even if we're married. When you're able to give yourself a treat or time away for pampering or friendship, you're showing good self care. If you feel you need to explain, tell your kiddos "I'm a better mommy for you if I take care of myself this way."

If there's not a special someone in your life right now, you can still enjoy the support of family, friends and mentors. You sound like the type that would attract positive, fun people and I hope they affirm and remind you more often of the awesome job you're doing.  Keep up the good work, rock star!

Moxiesbuddy

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