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My son needs help and his father refuses to listen

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 16 Replies
My DS, 8, has become violent and mean. He kicks, hits,throw things, tells me Im stupid, not a real mother, I hate him, and screams. I can't control him and his father, my ex, is not helping things. I have told him over and over something is wrong and he needs helps..tested and counseling. "Nothing is wrong with MY son!! It's all yours and the teachers fault. You are too strict and the teacher doesn't spend enough time with him." That's the response I get.
Now I usually use punishments like taking toys, tv, video games, and time outs. Lately those don't work. He screams bloody murder and either hits or kicks me or throws things. I have had to resort to spankings, open hand only. A few times he moved and I've accidentally smacked his leg which I immediately apologized for.

We live in a house converted into apartments and have a no noise ordinance from 10pm-7am because the walls are thin and sound travels easily and we have elderly neighbors. Last week when I was trying to get him up he kicked me so I gave him a smack on the butt. He started screaming which I smacked him again. He screamed louder so, and I'm not proud of myself but, I gave him a tap on the mouth. Not hard enough to hurt but enough it shocked him and he quit screaming. He told his father. Now his father is telling him "Don't let mom abuse you. If she does those things call me and I'll call CPS and she will go to jail. I don't care what you do mom has no right to smack you." He encourages son so misbehave, calls me names in front of son..good for nothing and worthless cause I'm disabled and don't work. I took son to CPS and the worker talked to him. Told him straight up "Your dad is full of it. Your mom isnt doing anything illegal."

I don't know what to do anymore. The judge won't listen and no one can help cause we have 50/50 custody. If his father won't agree to get son counseling I can't get it. My son is hitting and kicking me and our animals. He is out of control and has anger issues. No one will help me and the judge believes my ex because she hates women. In her eyes men are saints and she bashes women bad. I'm at my wits end. I'm so stressed and upset all the stress and heartache is causing me stomach cramps. I'm literally sick to my stomach.
Posted by Anonymous on Oct. 15, 2014 at 7:31 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Chirinos
by on Oct. 15, 2014 at 7:40 AM
I completely understand where your coming from. I am having the exact same problems with both of my boys and there dad is not helping at all. Both boys are in counseling. I have a counselor that comes to our home 3 days a week. We still have a long way to go on their behavior and it's only going to get worse come Jan when their dad has to go to jail for distribution of meth. The o.ly advice I can give you is get him into counseling and soon.
wendythewriter
by on Oct. 15, 2014 at 7:49 AM

Have your lawyer request a new judge for your case. 

Barring that, put your son in counseling anyway. So you'll be in contempt. Sometimes the thing that needs to be done gets you in trouble, but you do it anyway because you know it's what needs to be done. So put him in counseling and let your ex take you back to court. And while you're at it, start documenting everything you know he's doing - every bad thing he says about you, every refusal to communicate with you, etc. And seriously - request a different judge if you feel the judge isn't being fair. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 15, 2014 at 7:51 AM
I cant. We have 50/50 legal, medical, and educational decisions. No counselor can see DS unless both me and ex sign the papers and ex refuses. It's everyone else's fault DS acts the way he does...teacher isn't spending enough time with him(she has 21 students..he can't expect her to spend all day with him), he must be being bullied by someone, I'm too strict. (He says I have too many rules and am a drill sergeant. I need to let him have fun and be a kid. He shouldn't have to pick up his toys, I should. I shouldn't "steal" his toys for one or two weeks when he is bad. It's too long a time for his precious baby boy to wait or make him earn them back. Things like that makes me a drill sergeant.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 15, 2014 at 7:53 AM
The other judge is just as corrupt and bad. There are only 2 family judges here and both are pro-father's righta. Which is good, but they take it to the extreme. No matter what the evidence it is difficult to get either judge to rule in the mother's favor and piss them off enough they will give the father custody.

Quoting wendythewriter:

Have your lawyer request a new judge for your case. 

Barring that, put your son in counseling anyway. So you'll be in contempt. Sometimes the thing that needs to be done gets you in trouble, but you do it anyway because you know it's what needs to be done. So put him in counseling and let your ex take you back to court. And while you're at it, start documenting everything you know he's doing - every bad thing he says about you, every refusal to communicate with you, etc. And seriously - request a different judge if you feel the judge isn't being fair. 

Callaly
by Jessica on Oct. 15, 2014 at 8:09 AM

 When he has a fit why don't you record it to show your ex what is really going on. I would maybe take to your sons dr. he should believe you and maybe have some suggestions based on your situation, maybe even you could take some parenting classes on how to deal with this type of situation.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 15, 2014 at 8:22 AM
Did that. Ex blamed me. I'm too hard on him. I should have left him alone and let him wake up. (If I left him alone he would go back to sleep) I'm torturing him by continually shaking him and telling him to get up. The man babies that child and refuses to see he has a problem. He blames everyone else for any problem DS has. Doesn't do work at school and acts up...teacher's fault or someone must be bullying him. Nit listening at home...it's because I'm too strict.

I went to the doctor. She said the same thing CPS and his school did...since we have 50/50 custody there is nothing she can do without ex's signature.

Quoting Callaly:

 When he has a fit why don't you record it to show your ex what is really going on. I would maybe take to your sons dr. he should believe you and maybe have some suggestions based on your situation, maybe even you could take some parenting classes on how to deal with this type of situation.

krisnkids
by Gold Member on Oct. 15, 2014 at 8:30 AM

He kicks-you smack, he screams-you smack, he screamed louder-you smack him on the moth. Stop hitting him.

Noise ordanance or not, let the kid scream, put him in his room or time out on the stairs and ignore his but. DO NOT SMACK his but. If the cops get called because of the noise ordanance explain to them what is going on and you are doing your best as a parent. In the morning when its time to get up wake him up nicely, lights on, good morning darling. 5 minutes later if he is not up go in, tell him that for every time you have to come back in to get him up it will mean 20 minutes earlier of a bedtime.

Take the tv away, take the video games away; lock them in a cabinet. Let him earn the privilege, ie he gets up when he's told to he gets an hour of video games that night.

Callaly
by Jessica on Oct. 15, 2014 at 8:31 AM

 Why not let ex have your son temporarily for 2 or 3 weeks so that he can see whats up.

Quoting Anonymous 1: Did that. Ex blamed me. I'm too hard on him. I should have left him alone and let him wake up. (If I left him alone he would go back to sleep) I'm torturing him by continually shaking him and telling him to get up. The man babies that child and refuses to see he has a problem. He blames everyone else for any problem DS has. Doesn't do work at school and acts up...teacher's fault or someone must be bullying him. Nit listening at home...it's because I'm too strict. I went to the doctor. She said the same thing CPS and his school did...since we have 50/50 custody there is nothing she can do without ex's signature.
Quoting Callaly:

 When he has a fit why don't you record it to show your ex what is really going on. I would maybe take to your sons dr. he should believe you and maybe have some suggestions based on your situation, maybe even you could take some parenting classes on how to deal with this type of situation.

 

Tigress22304
by on Oct. 15, 2014 at 8:36 AM

my brother did this-my mother called the police because she did not know what to do.Believe me-they were able to direct her into the right direction of therapy-a few of them had talks with my brother.


LifeCafe42
by on Oct. 15, 2014 at 8:40 AM
Change it to earning see the positive he does. Talk to his school they usually have counsellors there too maybe you can get around the 50/50 thing through there. Emphasize to your ex maybe it is everyone's fault but his but there is a problem and everyone involved needs to find a new way to make it work. Branching out to a counselor will provide you with more ideas and your son coping mechanisms when he's angry
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