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Friends with your ex?

Posted by on Feb. 4, 2015 at 1:09 PM
  • 15 Replies

I am not friends with my ex, although I know people who are and I don't understand it.  I guess I understand it if it was some kind of amicable situation.  For me, he has hurt me and my family SO much and frankly, my standards for friendship are very similar to my standards for life partner.  In wrecking one, he wrecked both with me.  Don't get me wrong, forgiveness is my goal, but it's a process.  I think forgiveness is me letting go of the hurt, but I don't see where it allows or requires automatic friendship.  I think I can eventually let go of hurt, pain, regret, etc and still not LIKE him.  I think any type of relationship has to be earned at this point, and that's assuming he wants to earn some type of friendship.  So the problem becomes how to present this to my kids.  My youngest has asked me if I still love him.  There was a point when I still felt like I did, down deep, under the pain.  But now, as the dust settles on it all, I honestly just don't like the person he is...AT ALL.  I know it's best to keep them out of the mess of how we deal/talk with one another, but I don't want to go so far as to pretend I like him.  I think there should be an HONEST happy medium in how I can truthfully express myself without tearing him down to them.  What discussion and approach would work here?

by on Feb. 4, 2015 at 1:09 PM
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by on Feb. 4, 2015 at 1:28 PM
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Don't lie, but there must have been SOME things you liked about him.  Focus on those things, and work to not be negative when speaking of your ex in front of the kids.  There's nothing wrong with making him earn your trust and friendship at this point, just don't let the kids see the strain between the two of you.

My ex and I were able to find our friendship in the split, and I am thankful for this.  Of course we have both hurt each other over the years, and I had to get past the anger and such as well.  But we are both putting our son's needs first, and by being civil about everything, we are seeing each other's kind sides again.  Neither of us has the desire to get back together, but we are better friends now than we were before the split, or even several years ago.

by Platinum Member on Feb. 4, 2015 at 1:44 PM
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I'm not friends with my ex either, though for some reason he seems to think we are.  Now, I am friends with my older son's dad, but that's come after a lot of years and moving on from hurts, etc.  My ex husband though.... I don't even want to be friends with him, I stay civil for the sake of the kids though, because they are most important.

by Carrie on Feb. 4, 2015 at 2:32 PM
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We are friendlier with each other now than we were during the last few years of marriage.


by on Feb. 4, 2015 at 4:15 PM
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If he decided to be a part of my child's life is work hard on it but there's no need to since he doesn't care
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by Group Admin on Feb. 4, 2015 at 4:46 PM
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I'm not friends with my x. Never will be.

As for forgiveness. I love the line from the book "The Secret Life of Bees". It says, "I have learned to forgive but I've found that some mornings I wake up and have to forgive all over again."

Just an FYI in order to hate someone you have to love them first.
by Bronze Member on Feb. 4, 2015 at 4:53 PM
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Good question! I cant stand my ex by any means. I cant even talk to him without getting my blood boiling. Now my youngest daughters dad we can get along but he hurt me beyond imagine and im still dealing with it. I guess just keep the conversations as short as can be until you both can comunicate without hurting one another
by on Feb. 4, 2015 at 5:10 PM
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 Unfortunately there has been too much said and done by my ex that i'll never let my guard down and especially wouldn't consider us friends.  I know some people who do get along very well with their ex, but not many..

by Silver Member on Feb. 4, 2015 at 5:31 PM
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Mine is much too long of a crazy, steve type story.

What i think i would tell ds is that his dad gave me the gift in the world and for that, i will always be thankful. It doesn't really answer the question but it doesn't flat out lie to him.

With my mom- who he knows i can't stand, we fight, etc... anytime i get off the phone with her, he's always asking 'do you love your mom now?'... that's a tough question to answer. I will never view her as my mom, i don't really like her as a person to want her as a friend of mine. But ds doesn't really know the underlying issues we have (truth be told, even she doesn't know. She's in her own little world where reality is hiding in the shadows), and at the most I'm trying and somewhat able to do a long distance acquaintance thing. idk how it'll be when she does move back here, if she ever does
by Anonymous 1 on Feb. 4, 2015 at 5:32 PM
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Are you religious?  I tell my DD that Jesus commands that we love everybody, so yes, in that sense, I love him.  I pray for him and I hope he opens his heart to God and makes good choices.  She tells me she thinks I hate him and that he says I hate him.  I explain that I don't hate anybody, but that I strongly dislike the choices he makes.  It's the truth.  I'm not going to tell her "oh he's a good guy and sometimes parents just don't stay married" because it's a lie.  He's not only a liar and unfaithful, he uses and maipulates everyone he comes in contact with - EVERYONE.  His family, his employers, his friends, and especially women.  He's extrememly charming and by the time people catch on, it's too late.  He's gotten what he needs from them and moves on to the next victim.  I have no doubt that some day he'll do the same to my DD.  So all I can do is model for her what it's like to move on and live a happy life despite what he's done and continues to do.  If I let myself become consumed by the hate, she'll do the same when he hurts her, which I know he will.  If I show her I can be happy no matter what her dad does - that it is HIS problem, not mine, then she'll (hopefully) handle things the same way.

by on Feb. 4, 2015 at 5:42 PM
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No we are not friends. I am cordial to him for the sake of my children. He thinks I stil want to be with him and I really just want to stab him in the eye with a spoon. 

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