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When your ex makes you the jerk

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2015 at 1:12 AM
  • 21 Replies

How do you get past the times when your ex precludes you from being able to honor a reasonable request from your child, without sounding like a bitter ex?

We have been separated for less than two months, so this is all still very new and raw.  My ex keeps showing evidence of being incredibly selfish, and just keeps making stupid moves (I realize some of you have it A LOT worse off, but this all still hurts).

My ex's and my agreement is that on the days that our son goes from me to him, I will take out son to school, take his stuff to his dad's (which is a mile from the school, whereas I am much further away at the moment), and then go to work.  Tonight, for the second time in a week, my ex said that I can't drop off stuff at his house because he's planning to work late tonight (after saying he was heading out to dinner?) and then sleeping in. (translation- I am going out with my girlfriend that I started dating 5 weeks after you moved out.  We will be up fucking all night, and don't want to have to wake up to manage DS's stuff per our agreement.)  HOOOOWWWW do I not make him sound like a selfish asshole when our son begs to take certain things to his house?  A few things I am letting him take in his backpack (and I don't feel comfortable with them going to school, but I have no other options), but some stuff is too big.  He asked over and over again why he couldn't take stuff.  I didn't even know what to say.  It was a totally reasonable request that I would normally honor.  It just pisses me off that I am stuck being the bad guy here because my ex can't get his shit together, and keeps making these little dick moves that add up.  We'd had a long conversation about this earlier in the day, and then he hit me with canceling again.

So how do you deal with those moments where your ex puts you in that situation?

by on Mar. 4, 2015 at 1:12 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ame4c
by Group Admin on Mar. 4, 2015 at 8:18 AM
If you can't drop the stuff off as agreed your x can come pick it up. Simple solution. Send your son to school with his school stuff only. It is not fair to him to have to take all that to school anyway.

I ended up making my x buy stuff for his home because his new wife was stealing my daughter's clothes for her kids and sending clothes back that were too small or should have been thrown away.

Put your foot down now or your x will walk all over you every chance he gets. He is a parent he can grow up and act like one.
krisnkids
by Gold Member on Mar. 4, 2015 at 10:20 AM

Kiddo can keep certain things at dad's house. It seems like this is a normal thing. Why not just let ex have his own stuff for kiddo.

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Mar. 4, 2015 at 10:22 AM
1 mom liked this
You are tripping off nothing, it gets worse and if it doesn't count yourself lucky.

Tell dear old dad you no longer have time to shuttle crap around and he needs to provide a few outfits and some toys for his own house.

Problem solved.
virginiamama71
by Carrie on Mar. 4, 2015 at 10:47 AM

 What stuff is he taking?

amonkeymom
by Platinum Member on Mar. 4, 2015 at 5:23 PM
1 mom liked this

Can you take a separate bag and ask his teacher to make sure he doesn't mess with it and then his dad can get the bag when he picks up your son?

bringingup2boys
by on Mar. 4, 2015 at 5:34 PM

I've done this or asked to keep the separate bag in the office until school is over. 

Don't let him get to you. He's a jerk and that's why you aren't together. 


Quoting amonkeymom:

Can you take a separate bag and ask his teacher to make sure he doesn't mess with it and then his dad can get the bag when he picks up your son?


Frances0923
by Silver Member on Mar. 4, 2015 at 7:29 PM
1 mom liked this
Just tell your child that the things can't be taken.
musicpisces
by on Mar. 4, 2015 at 10:01 PM

It's not that simple.  He has few things with me because I am still staying with my mom (again, it's been less than two months) until the end of this month, when I can finally afford to get us a place.  The counselor we're working with for our son said it's best to allow kids to take things they want to back and forth.  Some of this that he wants to take is bigger stuff, like his scooter and skateboard and helmet and such.  It doesn't fit in his backpack, and we can't afford to buy two of everything right now.  Almost everything he has is already at Dad's house.  His favorite stuffed animal goes back and forth because he sleeps with it.  Both my ex and I agreed and told our son that he could take stuff back and forth.  Until my ex started dating this woman, things were amicable, and he was fine with this arrangement.  Things were actually really amicable until that point, at which his focus turned from his son to his penis.

musicpisces
by on Mar. 4, 2015 at 10:04 PM

Believe me, I know this is not as bad as it will get.  This is only the beginning of this divorce, and my ex is an asshole.  There is plenty of other stuff (like the wedding ring that turned out to be fake and plenty of other lies) that is all part of this.  This is one element of many.  It's just very hard for me not to say anything defaming about my ex when he does things that hurt our son, and he takes no ownership (like getting our son kicked off of his soccer team because my ex mouthed off to the coach).  It's a trend that's affected many aspects of our lives, one of many reasons I left.

Quoting faerie75: You are tripping off nothing, it gets worse and if it doesn't count yourself lucky. Tell dear old dad you no longer have time to shuttle crap around and he needs to provide a few outfits and some toys for his own house. Problem solved.


virginiamama71
by Carrie on Mar. 4, 2015 at 10:05 PM

 I would tell him he needs to leave some with his father and some with you. All this dragging stuff around is going to make everyone crazy.

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