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How to walk the line with boyfriend's kids

Posted by on Mar. 16, 2015 at 12:13 PM
  • 39 Replies

Ok, I've been seeing a guy for about 5 months now. He has 2 kids who adore me, as in they ask him to marry me because they want me as their stepmom. I don't engage in those conversations with them and when they say stuff like "are you gonna marry my dad?" I brush it off with "not today!" and laugh. However, as a mom whose kids are with bio dad and his girlfriend about 4 days a month, I know there are things that are so annoying that girlfriend does with my kids, especially dd, that get on my bio mom nerves.

So, my question is- what things would you NOT want a girlfriend doing with your kids? I haven't met biomom but I don't want to overstep boundaries by "mothering" her kids too much or whatever. I know everyone has different boundaries but I'd like to read some (i.e. girlfriend paints DD's nails regularly even knowing she is a competition dancer and can't have painted nails so Mean Mom has to remove it)

by on Mar. 16, 2015 at 12:13 PM
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Replies (1-10):
virginiamama71
by Carrie on Mar. 16, 2015 at 12:17 PM

 How old are the children?

twinlawdiva
by on Mar. 16, 2015 at 12:24 PM

Sorry, just turned 7 and will turn 9 in May. He is a VERY hands on father so I'm not doing any kind of childcare other than when the daughter (7) asks me to do her hair or nails or "girly" things.

virginiamama71
by Carrie on Mar. 16, 2015 at 12:30 PM
1 mom liked this

 My exh and I have the same belief about step parents. So we both would not like our child asking someone to be his step parent. He already has and knows his parents very well.

 

twinlawdiva
by on Mar. 16, 2015 at 12:45 PM

 

I think he thinks it's cute. I don't acknowledge it or try to blow it off for several reasons, like I don't want to encourage or discourage the thought because I can't say if we will ever get married at this point in time. I don't think they have any thoughts that I'm replacing their mom, the parents have 50/50 and seem to coparent fairly well.

 

I guess i'm just looking for where people draw the line, like "omg I'd be SO mad if dad's girlfriend fixed my child's hair or taught him sign language (something I've been doing with his son a bit) or bought them a gift." I'm trying to "know my place" for lack of a better term and avoid any potential drama with bio mom

Quoting virginiamama71:

 My exh and I have the same belief about step parents. So we both would not like our child asking someone to be his step parent. He already has and knows his parents very well.

 

 

virginiamama71
by Carrie on Mar. 16, 2015 at 12:49 PM

 I would just be friendly with other people's children and not do more for them than their parents would.

Quoting twinlawdiva:

 

I think he thinks it's cute. I don't acknowledge it or try to blow it off for several reasons, like I don't want to encourage or discourage the thought because I can't say if we will ever get married at this point in time. I don't think they have any thoughts that I'm replacing their mom, the parents have 50/50 and seem to coparent fairly well.

 

I guess i'm just looking for where people draw the line, like "omg I'd be SO mad if dad's girlfriend fixed my child's hair or taught him sign language (something I've been doing with his son a bit) or bought them a gift." I'm trying to "know my place" for lack of a better term and avoid any potential drama with bio mom

Quoting virginiamama71:

 My exh and I have the same belief about step parents. So we both would not like our child asking someone to be his step parent. He already has and knows his parents very well.

 

 

 

Frances0923
by Silver Member on Mar. 16, 2015 at 1:35 PM
3 moms liked this

Nothing. Don't do anything. Don't talk to my son, lookat him, breathe the same air as him. Lol. That's how I really feel BUT I don't say it. ExDH never commits to just one girl so THANKFULLY DS hasn't met any of them. The last time he met one was 4 yrs ago and she was only in his life for like 6 months. She didn't do much to get on my nerves and DS never had any complaints. 

Frances0923
by Silver Member on Mar. 16, 2015 at 1:37 PM
1 mom liked this

This is what we agreed to as well now that DS is older. I promised ExDH that SO is the only and last man that DS will ever meet if we don't workout. I'm just going to wait it out until DS is 18 lmao only 8 more yrs 

Quoting virginiamama71:

 My exh and I have the same belief about step parents. So we both would not like our child asking someone to be his step parent. He already has and knows his parents very well.



twinlawdiva
by on Mar. 16, 2015 at 1:38 PM
1 mom liked this

 

Haha I feel this way in my role as birth mom! I think I have a better perspective seeing it from 2 different sides but maybe it just makes me overthink EVERYTHING lol

Quoting Frances0923:

Nothing. Don't do anything. Don't talk to my son, lookat him, breathe the same air as him. Lol. That's how I really feel BUT I don't say it. ExDH never commits to just one girl so THANKFULLY DS hasn't met any of them. The last time he met one was 4 yrs ago and she was only in his life for like 6 months. She didn't do much to get on my nerves and DS never had any complaints. 

 

brieri
by on Mar. 16, 2015 at 3:44 PM
1 mom liked this

Don't do anything that would be shown as permanent - like ear piercing, haircuts, nail salons,  things of those nature - nothing that will show of permanence.  If you want to do nails and hair - be sure it is something that can come off or washed out before returning the child back to the other parent.  If child insists keeping it, be sure to explain to child's father she insists on it and that when pick up day comes, father explains to mother that in time these types of things will return to normal.  Child also can say why she likes it. Mother can take the nail polish off.  Wash child's hair, etc. 

Remind child that she has her parents - and you are there to be with father.  Because father and mother are no longer together.

mamashley
by on Mar. 16, 2015 at 3:53 PM

I'm learning this fine line myself. My SO and his exwife are friends and coparent very well. Luckily she has reached out to me more than once and wants to develop if not a friendship at least a relationship built on respect and trust. So she and I have talked and are working out where those lines are. She knows that I am not going to knowingly and purposefully do anything to step on her toes, and if something is upsetting that I want to know so I can correct it. 

My dd's bio dad has never been around so this is all very new to me. But the open communication between the two of us is very nice

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