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So distraught

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 7 Replies
My DH and I have been separated for a little over 4 months ... We've been having issues for a long time , and I know I deserve better. I know I deserve to be happy... He says he wants to be with me and doesn't want to get divorced, but I'm terrified it would just go right back to us fighting and not communicating.

The thought of him with someone else and treating that person better has me so devastated. I love him so much but I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore. Before we separated he caused me to have the worst anxiety , every time he came home I would instantly become anxious. I feel like the best thing for us to do is part ways and just co parent , but I don't want the next chick to be treated the way I deserved.

I know that sounds stupid , but I don't want someone else to be apart of his family , or be loved by him. How did you moms get over that initial jealousy? I mean we're still married... We haven't decided anything yet and he still wants to come home.

But ugh I'm just so confused on what I should do.

And before anyone asks.. No we haven't been to counseling , he doesn't think it's a good idea. Lol
Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 30, 2016 at 11:42 AM
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Replies (1-7):
Oliviasmom72
by Gold Member on Mar. 30, 2016 at 12:55 PM

You feelings are totally normal. I stuggled with this too before I decided I wanted a divorce its a very tough decision.

I have no idea why he would not want counselling? A good counsellor should be impartial and non judgemental. I think you 2 should go to a few couples counselling sessions, or at the least you should go and talk to someone to make sure you are making the right decision. Regardless of what you want to do, you guys can remain civil and co parent for the sake of your kids. No decisions have to be made now..talk to someone and think about it and talk to him to see what is the best scenario for your family.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Mar. 30, 2016 at 1:01 PM
1 mom liked this

Its a hard decision to make. We went back and forth THREE times before my final decision to be DONE. There was nothing I could do to salvage our relatonship. It was beyond repair and he wouldn't do what was necessary (needs A LOT of MENTAL help)... he would even tell people he knows he has a problem... and then blame it on me and say that I cause his problems....... his problem was he no longer wanted to be a responsible adult and I was forcing him to be that... now we are divorced and Im still the responsible one, meanwhile he lives with his pregnant girlfriend.... and her parents... NONE of them have jobs (her parents both live off of disability, my ex gets a $133 check from the VA every month).

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 30, 2016 at 1:45 PM
It's seriously such a hard decision ... I keep going back and forth and back and forth ... I can't make up my mind!! I know I would eventually be happier if we got divorced. I know it would be the right thing to do but I can't let go, it's so hard for me

Quoting Anonymous 2:

Its a hard decision to make. We went back and forth THREE times before my final decision to be DONE. There was nothing I could do to salvage our relatonship. It was beyond repair and he wouldn't do what was necessary (needs A LOT of MENTAL help)... he would even tell people he knows he has a problem... and then blame it on me and say that I cause his problems....... his problem was he no longer wanted to be a responsible adult and I was forcing him to be that... now we are divorced and Im still the responsible one, meanwhile he lives with his pregnant girlfriend.... and her parents... NONE of them have jobs (her parents both live off of disability, my ex gets a $133 check from the VA every month).

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Mar. 30, 2016 at 1:50 PM
My husband left me and my children several years ago.
We had struggled and tried counseling (he only showed up twice) but he was emotionally abusive.
I loved him so much. It was incredibly difficult.

Even after we had been divorced, when he would come to visit, I couldn't imagine ever being around him and not aching to be with him...

It took 4 years before he finally came to visit one time and I could just feel that it was over...I wasn't attracted to him anymore. It was amazing.

I am now re married and I am honestly so thankful that I did not agree to remarry him when he wanted me to, and I seriously considered it. Like you, I was afraid things would go back to how they had been, and I still believe they would have.

Time can make it better...just listen to yourself and do what you know is best, even if it breaks your heart.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 30, 2016 at 2:11 PM
I'm glad your story had a great outcome !!! It gives me hope. We're supposed to sit down this week sometime and talk about what we're going to do ...

My DH is mentally and emotionally and verbally abusive , he doesn't see it though. He thinks I'm just over sensitive ... But he would belittle me, and destroy my self confidence .. It really was awful. I hate how much I love him. I wish I could just not care! Because I honestly know if we got back together , it would only be a matter of time before things got bad again.

We've been a rocky ride for years. He says he will change , and he does for about 2 months, then I suffer for 2 years, and that's how it's been since we got together 10 years ago.

I'm just terrified of the unknown. I was a stay at home mom for 6 years, so you can just imagine how awful it is for me to find a job, considering I didn't go to college ... It's been a nightmare. My family dislikes him now, so get togethers and holidays will be awkward ... I just don't know what to do.

Quoting Anonymous 3: My husband left me and my children several years ago.
We had struggled and tried counseling (he only showed up twice) but he was emotionally abusive.
I loved him so much. It was incredibly difficult.

Even after we had been divorced, when he would come to visit, I couldn't imagine ever being around him and not aching to be with him...

It took 4 years before he finally came to visit one time and I could just feel that it was over...I wasn't attracted to him anymore. It was amazing.

I am now re married and I am honestly so thankful that I did not agree to remarry him when he wanted me to, and I seriously considered it. Like you, I was afraid things would go back to how they had been, and I still believe they would have.

Time can make it better...just listen to yourself and do what you know is best, even if it breaks your heart.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Mar. 30, 2016 at 2:52 PM
I had never worked and dropped out of college when we got married. I found a job as a waitress and then a stable job working at a daycare. Those two fields always need good workers. You can find something you just can't be picky when you're trying to get on your feet. Also don't be ashamed to accept public assistance if you need it temporarily

Quoting Anonymous 1: I'm glad your story had a great outcome !!! It gives me hope. We're supposed to sit down this week sometime and talk about what we're going to do ...

My DH is mentally and emotionally and verbally abusive , he doesn't see it though. He thinks I'm just over sensitive ... But he would belittle me, and destroy my self confidence .. It really was awful. I hate how much I love him. I wish I could just not care! Because I honestly know if we got back together , it would only be a matter of time before things got bad again.

We've been a rocky ride for years. He says he will change , and he does for about 2 months, then I suffer for 2 years, and that's how it's been since we got together 10 years ago.

I'm just terrified of the unknown. I was a stay at home mom for 6 years, so you can just imagine how awful it is for me to find a job, considering I didn't go to college ... It's been a nightmare. My family dislikes him now, so get togethers and holidays will be awkward ... I just don't know what to do.

Quoting Anonymous 3: My husband left me and my children several years ago.
We had struggled and tried counseling (he only showed up twice) but he was emotionally abusive.
I loved him so much. It was incredibly difficult.

Even after we had been divorced, when he would come to visit, I couldn't imagine ever being around him and not aching to be with him...

It took 4 years before he finally came to visit one time and I could just feel that it was over...I wasn't attracted to him anymore. It was amazing.

I am now re married and I am honestly so thankful that I did not agree to remarry him when he wanted me to, and I seriously considered it. Like you, I was afraid things would go back to how they had been, and I still believe they would have.

Time can make it better...just listen to yourself and do what you know is best, even if it breaks your heart.
suzymil62
by on Apr. 1, 2016 at 12:22 PM

I would stipulate to him and stick to it that he needs to start counseling with you before you allow him to come home. Also, if he quits, then you're done. That can help you with your communication issues, if you are willing to do that. If he's not willing to do that, then he doesn't sound like he really wants to ‘work on the relationship' and that is what it'll take. Relationships are not easy and they do take work on both ends.

 Jealousy is something that will take time to get over. When you begin to think about it, I would try to divert your thoughts into other areas; Maybe fun times with your famly, etc.

 Suzy

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