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Daughter hoping Dad will leave her

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 17 Replies

Since my daughter learned of her dad's marriage she's been so wishing he would go away and start a new family with his wife. She is utterly annoyed with the 3 video chats a week and gets super excited and happy when it doesn't happen. She is completely stonewalling him and refuses to let him get to know her. She's only 8 years old and she is seeing a behavioral counselor since last November. 

I don't bash him in any way. I don't understand him and I say that and that we don't get along because our personalities are so different. But that's it. He does bash me in front of her and he has a laugh that he does that is fake and at inappropriate times that creeps out our daughter. 

She has monthly visit with him and it's a struggle to get her to go. I am trying really hard to get them to have a relationship, but it's so hard! She's never bonded with him. She's more bonded with my SO and acts in a way with him I wish I could see her do with her dad. 

She doesn't even want him to give her gifts anymore. And her attitude with him ... my word...I know how she's going to be when she's a teen. She doesn't behave at all like this with anyone else. 

I don't know what I can do to help. I know that she has to have him in her life, but it's not like he is trying as much as he is supposed to (he's supposed to come every other week and it's only monthly). 

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 11, 2016 at 1:49 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Oliviasmom72
by Gold Member on Apr. 11, 2016 at 2:46 PM

It is silly for her to think that unless she has been coached on this. At 8 she should natually love and miss her father. Did Dad move away or what? Why does he only see her monthly?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 12, 2016 at 10:26 AM

She hasn't at all been coached in this behavior. I'm constantly coaching her along with her behavioral counselor as to how to be better with her dad. Her dad has moved away and then got married in very short order. He also drastically reduced the amount of time he has spent on her. He sees her monthly because that is what he wants to do. The court order is every other weekend. 

Maybe she is picking up on his behavior to his mom as he treats her badly. But I'm just guessing. Her temper is intense and she seems to be really good at holding a grudge. It really doesn't matter what I say to handle the matter. 

nononenever
by Member on Apr. 12, 2016 at 11:22 AM
1 mom liked this
That seems an odd expectation. Just because she's eight, doesn't mean she has to "naturally love and miss" her father or anyone else.

Quoting Oliviasmom72:

It is silly for her to think that unless she has been coached on this. At 8 she should natually love and miss her father. Did Dad move away or what? Why does he only see her monthly?

booscomputer
by Bronze Member on Apr. 12, 2016 at 12:10 PM
2 moms liked this

In her mind he abandoned her once -- why would she trust him at all?  It's great that you have her with a counsellor -- let them figure it out together.  You just be a great mom, let her know that she can talk to you about anything and, if she wants to bond with your SO -- assuming you see him as long term -- then she can learn how she's supposed to be treated by men from him.  Her father appears to have taught her that men are expendable since he walked out on her.  She's entitled to her feelings and you don't know what happens when she has to go see him or how she feels about it.  When she's 13 or 14 she can stop seeing him anyway if she wants to go to court.  My daughter hates her father's girlfriend because she treats her so badly -- so she no longer goes to his house but she's 15 so she can make those decisions.  

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 12, 2016 at 5:06 PM

Thank you for that. That makes so much sense. I definitely do let her know she can talk to me about anything (and boy do I get an earful at times ... wink). I do see my SO as long term (we are even planning a trip later this year for all of us to go). 

Quoting booscomputer:

In her mind he abandoned her once -- why would she trust him at all?  It's great that you have her with a counsellor -- let them figure it out together.  You just be a great mom, let her know that she can talk to you about anything and, if she wants to bond with your SO -- assuming you see him as long term -- then she can learn how she's supposed to be treated by men from him.  Her father appears to have taught her that men are expendable since he walked out on her.  She's entitled to her feelings and you don't know what happens when she has to go see him or how she feels about it.  When she's 13 or 14 she can stop seeing him anyway if she wants to go to court.  My daughter hates her father's girlfriend because she treats her so badly -- so she no longer goes to his house but she's 15 so she can make those decisions.  


sonnyswoman75
by Member on Apr. 12, 2016 at 10:48 PM
Well you can't really force it and there is nothing you can do. Obviously she knows he isn't trying hard enough.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 12, 2016 at 11:30 PM

You can't force her to have a relationship with him, and the more you try the more she's going to fight it.  Keep up with your court ordered obligations, and let it be.

cjsmom1
by Group Admin on Apr. 13, 2016 at 12:12 AM
It sounds like she's angry at him. She's entitled to her feelings
KyliesMom5
by Member on Apr. 13, 2016 at 12:17 AM
Is some states there is no set age. In Virginia, the judge will hear out a child of pretty much any age and make a decision.

Quoting booscomputer:

In her mind he abandoned her once -- why would she trust him at all?  It's great that you have her with a counsellor -- let them figure it out together.  You just be a great mom, let her know that she can talk to you about anything and, if she wants to bond with your SO -- assuming you see him as long term -- then she can learn how she's supposed to be treated by men from him.  Her father appears to have taught her that men are expendable since he walked out on her.  She's entitled to her feelings and you don't know what happens when she has to go see him or how she feels about it.  When she's 13 or 14 she can stop seeing him anyway if she wants to go to court.  My daughter hates her father's girlfriend because she treats her so badly -- so she no longer goes to his house but she's 15 so she can make those decisions.  

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Apr. 13, 2016 at 12:20 AM
At eight I hated my father and wanted him to drive off a cliff


So yeah, it's not always coached

Quoting nononenever: That seems an odd expectation. Just because she's eight, doesn't mean she has to "naturally love and miss" her father or anyone else.

Quoting Oliviasmom72:

It is silly for her to think that unless she has been coached on this. At 8 she should natually love and miss her father. Did Dad move away or what? Why does he only see her monthly?

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