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DF and my son butt heads

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 24 Replies
I've been with DF for 2 years, I have a 5 year old son from a previous relationship. We just moved in together in the fall. It's been a bit of a struggle. They got along great before we moved in together but once we were all under the same roof, they two of them have been butting heads.

I suppose I didn't realize I was enabling my child by doing things for him. He's not used to living with a man. DF notices things that I don't and calls my son out on his behavior. He says I don't back him up but sometimes I feel that he is being unreasonable. I never tell him how I feel in front of my child, I don't undermine him when he's talking but I I definitely don't agree with him sometimes.

He says he has expectations for how my son should behave and I am all for that. I have a behavior chart and I have no issue disciplining my child. I just feel that sometimes his expectations are too high. He says my son manipulates me to get what he wants and I don't see it because I'm his mother.

He was raised by very strict grandparents who believed children should be seen and not heard. I feel like he has this mentality and I just do not agree with it. Sometimes he's cold and withdrawn. I feel like he doesn't like my child and I feel like my child doesn't like him and I don't know how to fix it. I ask him to do things with him, spend quality time together and become more comfortable with eachother but he says he doesn't want to when my son has been behaving the way he does. I feel like he holds a grudge against a five year old when in my opinion every day should be a clean slate.

I have a very boisterous, outspoken, incredibly smart 5 year old boy. He loves attention and boy stuff and can be insanely annoying sometimes, but aren't all kids that age?!

Please don't think DF is a mean man because he really isn't. He doesn't have any children and has no small children in his family. This is his first time living with and interacting with a child on a daily basis. I think he became overwhelmed super fast as well as my son.

Please. If you were in a similar situation, how did your new DF/DH and your children form a bond? I know we're just starting this journey but I'm so afraid they will end up hating eachother.
Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 13, 2017 at 9:01 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 13, 2017 at 9:05 AM
1 mom liked this
This is a rough situation and it all really depends on your fiance. It sounds like he needs a parenting class and some time watching what "normal" kids are like. You, on the other hand, must be your son's voice, no matter what. The situation could easily go sideways.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 13, 2017 at 9:22 AM
Thank you. My mom got married to my stepdad when I was five. She said we had similar problems. I don't remember it much. He was a kind man but not affectionate as that wasn't his nature. She says my DF is just like my stepdad was. Unfortunately he passed away last year, or I would have gone straight to him for help. DF was raised by his stepfather around my son's age as well. He said he was treated different than his younger brother. They weren't as easy on him like they were to his little brother who incidentally turned in to a heroin addict. DF is a successful man, he has a good job and is an excellent provider, not that I wasn't providing before he came along.

I wonder if he is afraid my son will turn out like his brother did? I don't know. We started to hash it out last night but we had a few drinks. (My son is at his dad's for the weekend) We ended up changing the subject before it escalated. I'm going to ask him to have a talk with his dad as well. Maybe he can give us some insight.

Quoting Anonymous 2: This is a rough situation and it all really depends on your fiance. It sounds like he needs a parenting class and some time watching what "normal" kids are like. You, on the other hand, must be your son's voice, no matter what. The situation could easily go sideways.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 13, 2017 at 9:44 AM
Bump
Oliviasmom72
by Gold Member on Jan. 13, 2017 at 9:50 AM

You need to keep an eye on this. Regardless you cannot have a man in your home unless he is totally on board with being a loving step parent. Your son comes first. what are you going to do if things do not improve?

If your DF holds any resentment towards this kid guarantee this will go downhill fast. Child abuse risks skyrocket for kids once mom moves an unrelated male in.

Sorry but I hsve nothing but maybe you 2 need to both take a parenting class. If this man is not 100% on board with being a loving step dad and a role model for your kid this relationship must end.

Good luck


helen491
by on Jan. 13, 2017 at 10:00 AM
I haven't had this situation but the first thing I noticed was the he doesn't want to spend time with your ds because of his behavior. I don't think you should ever withhold time and affection away from a child. And maybe if he spent more time with your D's he could show your son some of the behaviors he thinks he should be displaying. And you and your SO need to discuss your expectations for your son.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 13, 2017 at 10:05 AM
Thank you. This is how I feel. If we have a bad day, it shouldn't be held against us the next day. Clean slate, every day. They don't spend much time alone. He works long hours so I'm usually home alone with my son for a few hours before he gets home. Sundays are our only day off together. I have started leaving the house for a little at a time and leave my son at home with him. I'll run to the store or go visit my mom and let them hang out. They will play a video game or watch a cartoon. I can't wait until the weather gets nice again so they can do outside boy stuff. He says he will take him fishing and we will go camping. I'm hoping in the next year we can work through this. I think he has adult expectations for my son and I need to get him to see that it's not right.

Quoting helen491: I haven't had this situation but the first thing I noticed was the he doesn't want to spend time with your ds because of his behavior. I don't think you should ever withhold time and affection away from a child. And maybe if he spent more time with your D's he could show your son some of the behaviors he thinks he should be displaying. And you and your SO need to discuss your expectations for your son.
helen491
by on Jan. 13, 2017 at 10:10 AM
You say call him df. Do you have a daughter with him? How is he with her?
helen491
by on Jan. 13, 2017 at 10:10 AM
You say call him df. Do you have a daughter with him? How is he with her?
helen491
by on Jan. 13, 2017 at 10:10 AM
You say call him df. Do you have a daughter with him? How is he with her?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 13, 2017 at 10:14 AM
He's my fiancé. We have no children together.

Quoting helen491: You say call him df. Do you have a daughter with him? How is he with her?
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