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Dealing with a DBD

Posted by on Feb. 15, 2017 at 11:39 AM
  • 12 Replies

Oh where to start...a guess a little back story is best. I met my now ex-husband when we were in the 7th grade. We started dating seriously when we were 18/19 and had our first child by the time we were 19/20 and then married 20/21 (2007). I had left him a few times....he is a type 1 diabetic with no control of his diabetes which tends to result in overly aggressive behavior. He was terrible sometimes.

I left the first time when our son was 3 (Dec 2009) and because my family had no idea of how he could be they pushed me to go back to him. So I did and then our daughter was born in Nov. 2010.

I tried everything...and made the final decision to leave him for good in June 2014.

Since that time (going on 3 years) he has seen our children less than 60 days. He moved during our divorce (5 days before Christmas 2014) 400+ miles away to live with his parents and despite telling our kids he was moving back in 6 months he hasn't.

He doesn't see our kids, he doesn't talk to our kids (1 time in 2017 so far to tell them the baby he is expecting with his girlfriend is a girl and to ask me about taxes), and he doesn't pay any kind of child support (and yet he got mad at me for telling him I claim our kids on my taxes every year).

How do you all deal with the frustration of dealing with a DBD?

by on Feb. 15, 2017 at 11:39 AM
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Replies (1-10):
virginiamama71
by Carrie on Feb. 15, 2017 at 11:53 AM
All you can do is stop talking to him.
kayekelly
by Member on Feb. 15, 2017 at 11:57 AM

Oh we have zero communication. I use to send him text messages about our kids and such but I stopped that a long time ago and now he doesn't even have a cell phone to the best of my knowledge. The frustrating part of all of this is that my kids have such high hopes for him and he lets them down every chance he gets.

virginiamama71
by Carrie on Feb. 15, 2017 at 11:59 AM
Okay people are like this. Just know no one can make a person the way they want them to be.

Quoting kayekelly:

Oh we have zero communication. I use to send him text messages about our kids and such but I stopped that a long time ago and now he doesn't even have a cell phone to the best of my knowledge. The frustrating part of all of this is that my kids have such high hopes for him and he lets them down every chance he gets.

AzariahsMother
by Member on Feb. 15, 2017 at 12:23 PM

You have to do what works best for you and what works best for you might not work for everyone else.  I have a DBD in fact I kind of have 2 when I think about.  Each of them are different and I don't handle either 1 of them the same.  Alot has to do with my kids age too.

DD16 I have no contact with her dad anymore.  Even though he just started to come back into the picture after MIA for about 10 years.  I don't stop their relationship.  DD is old enough to tell me how she feels and to say no I don't want to see him.  I'm not going to co-parent I can tell you that.  She is 1.5 years away from being an adult.  Anything I would say to him she can say to him.  He is suppose to pay $237 a month in child support and I see an average of $500 per year??  Maybe little more or less.  I don't pressure the issue because it's not important to me.  He is $40K in debt so if you ask me he will be paying for along time unless he hit the lotto.  Plus child support takes a lot of effort, time, money and I don't want to invest in that when I know I will not see a return.

My other child is 1 and her dad and I can say have an ok relationship.  She is young so I feel it's very important for me to make the efforts within limits.  For example I don't call him, but when he does call I do make the time to talk to him.  I do communicate special events such as her Holiday Party at daycare, or Birthday Party stuff like that.  However, I don't make extra attempts to just say her day was great or to tell him what weekend plans are.  Do I co-parent with him I would say no.  I make all the decisions and pretty much do what I was with her.  I don't call him to assist in decision making either.  As far as child support he does not currently pay and there is no order either.  When I ask for money he gives it up willing.

Hope this helps. Like I said what works for 1 doesn't work for all and as you can see both of mine are treated differently. The most important thing for me was to always say I tried. No matter how hard, how upsetting, disappointing for me. I wanted to say I tried.   



kayekelly
by Member on Feb. 15, 2017 at 2:05 PM

This is something I've had to explain to my son...that nothing we can do can make his daddy be any different than he is and that he cannot blame himself for the lack of contact between him and his dad.

Quoting virginiamama71: Okay people are like this. Just know no one can make a person the way they want them to be.
Quoting kayekelly:

Oh we have zero communication. I use to send him text messages about our kids and such but I stopped that a long time ago and now he doesn't even have a cell phone to the best of my knowledge. The frustrating part of all of this is that my kids have such high hopes for him and he lets them down every chance he gets.


kayekelly
by Member on Feb. 15, 2017 at 2:17 PM

Thank you.

I am less looking for advice on how to handle it as much as just an outlet and some insight into how others handle it.

I provide my ex with all of the access to any information he could want pertaining to our kids...however that is as far as I go with it. I do not go out of my way (anymore) to make sure he knows what is happening and when, I leave that to him.

We do not discuss child support either. He's been court ordered to pay $420 a month since July 2015 and he is currently 13 months behind so he's only paid 6 months. But I don't bring it up. I work hard and take care of our kids and when he sends CS it's like getting a bonus but it's not worth the hassle to me.

I would also say that we do not co-parent. He is almost impossible to get a hold of so it's hard to make decisions with him about anything. So I do what is best for my kids and when he finally makes contact again I try my best to bring him up to date on what has been going on.

My biggest concern is for my kids. My son was 8 when we split and he is one to blame himself. He questions why his dad doesn't call or answer his calls. He blames himself for the lack of communication between them and that is hard to deal with. My daughter is the opposite...she doesn't mention him at all. She refers to my fiance as her dad and she refers to her dad as "my real dad Tim".


Quoting AzariahsMother:

You have to do what works best for you and what works best for you might not work for everyone else.  I have a DBD in fact I kind of have 2 when I think about.  Each of them are different and I don't handle either 1 of them the same.  Alot has to do with my kids age too.

DD16 I have no contact with her dad anymore.  Even though he just started to come back into the picture after MIA for about 10 years.  I don't stop their relationship.  DD is old enough to tell me how she feels and to say no I don't want to see him.  I'm not going to co-parent I can tell you that.  She is 1.5 years away from being an adult.  Anything I would say to him she can say to him.  He is suppose to pay $237 a month in child support and I see an average of $500 per year??  Maybe little more or less.  I don't pressure the issue because it's not important to me.  He is $40K in debt so if you ask me he will be paying for along time unless he hit the lotto.  Plus child support takes a lot of effort, time, money and I don't want to invest in that when I know I will not see a return.

My other child is 1 and her dad and I can say have an ok relationship.  She is young so I feel it's very important for me to make the efforts within limits.  For example I don't call him, but when he does call I do make the time to talk to him.  I do communicate special events such as her Holiday Party at daycare, or Birthday Party stuff like that.  However, I don't make extra attempts to just say her day was great or to tell him what weekend plans are.  Do I co-parent with him I would say no.  I make all the decisions and pretty much do what I was with her.  I don't call him to assist in decision making either.  As far as child support he does not currently pay and there is no order either.  When I ask for money he gives it up willing.

Hope this helps. Like I said what works for 1 doesn't work for all and as you can see both of mine are treated differently. The most important thing for me was to always say I tried. No matter how hard, how upsetting, disappointing for me. I wanted to say I tried.   


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Feb. 15, 2017 at 2:50 PM

My ex and I have little to no communication. I sent him an email recently just to tell him of things going on so that he can't come back and say he wasn't informed. He moved 1000 miles away and the only reason I get child support is because support enforcement sent notice to his employer... and they only did that after I pushed the issue that they had all the information and were doing nothing with it. He hasn't seen or spoken to our son since October 2014 (we divorced in April 2015). Our son knows he moved away and whenever he ask about visiting, I just tell him its a little too far to travel for a visit right now (which isn't a lie as I'm not sending our son 1000 miles away to a man that shows no interest in our child).... only you can truely decide how to handle the situation and in an age appropriate manner.

Oliviasmom72
by Silver Member on Feb. 15, 2017 at 3:43 PM

You claim on taxes because you support 100% end of discussion.

Have you filed for child support? If not do so and stop talking to him unless he wants to see the kids and let hin know he needs to pay support based on the states guidelines and you will be filing.

AzariahsMother
by Member on Feb. 15, 2017 at 4:23 PM

You're Welcome

I feel the same way about child support.  If I get it great bonus we can do something extra or fun or sometimes I just give it to her for spending $ since she is 16.

Because DD is 1 and we really are just starting out as parents I have tried to be more relaxed, however over the holiday's I have gotten a little bitter due to his actions.  It has made me become less willing to communicate. 

At the end of the day you have to be the best Mother (which you are I am sure) and do what you think is best.  It saddens me to hear that your son is saying that but I understand DD16 who was about 10 started to question where her bio-dad was and started to act out because she didn't like my husband who is now ex at that time.  I just kept tell her that her dad does love her, but he is not in a good space right now.  Letting her know that sometimes people are not ready to be parents.  Doesn't mean he doesn't love you it means he needs to be right with himself and than he can do right by you.  If your son is have way more issues than you have share which can be the case outside help is always an option. Sometimes it can be easier to vent to someone other than Mom.  It's tough!! Keep your head up it will get better in the long run. 

Quoting kayekelly:

Thank you.

I am less looking for advice on how to handle it as much as just an outlet and some insight into how others handle it.

I provide my ex with all of the access to any information he could want pertaining to our kids...however that is as far as I go with it. I do not go out of my way (anymore) to make sure he knows what is happening and when, I leave that to him.

We do not discuss child support either. He's been court ordered to pay $420 a month since July 2015 and he is currently 13 months behind so he's only paid 6 months. But I don't bring it up. I work hard and take care of our kids and when he sends CS it's like getting a bonus but it's not worth the hassle to me.

I would also say that we do not co-parent. He is almost impossible to get a hold of so it's hard to make decisions with him about anything. So I do what is best for my kids and when he finally makes contact again I try my best to bring him up to date on what has been going on.

My biggest concern is for my kids. My son was 8 when we split and he is one to blame himself. He questions why his dad doesn't call or answer his calls. He blames himself for the lack of communication between them and that is hard to deal with. My daughter is the opposite...she doesn't mention him at all. She refers to my fiance as her dad and she refers to her dad as "my real dad Tim".


Quoting AzariahsMother:

You have to do what works best for you and what works best for you might not work for everyone else.  I have a DBD in fact I kind of have 2 when I think about.  Each of them are different and I don't handle either 1 of them the same.  Alot has to do with my kids age too.

DD16 I have no contact with her dad anymore.  Even though he just started to come back into the picture after MIA for about 10 years.  I don't stop their relationship.  DD is old enough to tell me how she feels and to say no I don't want to see him.  I'm not going to co-parent I can tell you that.  She is 1.5 years away from being an adult.  Anything I would say to him she can say to him.  He is suppose to pay $237 a month in child support and I see an average of $500 per year??  Maybe little more or less.  I don't pressure the issue because it's not important to me.  He is $40K in debt so if you ask me he will be paying for along time unless he hit the lotto.  Plus child support takes a lot of effort, time, money and I don't want to invest in that when I know I will not see a return.

My other child is 1 and her dad and I can say have an ok relationship.  She is young so I feel it's very important for me to make the efforts within limits.  For example I don't call him, but when he does call I do make the time to talk to him.  I do communicate special events such as her Holiday Party at daycare, or Birthday Party stuff like that.  However, I don't make extra attempts to just say her day was great or to tell him what weekend plans are.  Do I co-parent with him I would say no.  I make all the decisions and pretty much do what I was with her.  I don't call him to assist in decision making either.  As far as child support he does not currently pay and there is no order either.  When I ask for money he gives it up willing.

Hope this helps. Like I said what works for 1 doesn't work for all and as you can see both of mine are treated differently. The most important thing for me was to always say I tried. No matter how hard, how upsetting, disappointing for me. I wanted to say I tried.   



Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Feb. 15, 2017 at 4:24 PM
I really read this title wrong I was like eww DDP? Double dared penetration
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