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Ex is back trying to get access after 5 year absence

Posted by on Nov. 18, 2017 at 10:23 PM
  • 10 Replies

So my ex (full-blown narcissist) after 5 years of almost no contact, is making noise about wanting to see our son, who is 10. He insisted on speaking to me on the phone 2 weeks ago. I was able to have a calm conversation with him but at the very end I realized, after hanging up, the real purpose of the call was to see if I had a partner. After all this time and all the B.S., he thinks he has a chance with me! 

So 2 days ago I get an email asking if he can call again, and what were our holiday plans. In odd years the c.o. says he can have DS on Thanksgiving. Well, DS does not remember his dad, what he looks like, or what his dad's name is. I emailed back to Ex I have plans to go out of town. He hasn't called.

My feeling is, if he's missed K-5th, has made no effort to have a relationship with DS during these crucial years, the chances that he could succeed in court are quite small. BTW, he's a severe alcoholic, and I have dirt that is documented.

What do all of you think?

by on Nov. 18, 2017 at 10:23 PM
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Replies (1-10):
virginiamama71
by Carrie on Nov. 18, 2017 at 10:26 PM
1 mom liked this
You don't have to talk to him.
If he wants to be involved in his child's life he knows what he has to do.
ArwenLives
by Member on Nov. 18, 2017 at 10:29 PM

I think you are right, sometimes it just depends on the judge you wind up with. Of course, I doubt he can get his act together enough to actually file papers.

Oliviasmom72
by Gold Member on Nov. 19, 2017 at 11:08 AM
If you have no court order I would say absolutely no to any unsupervised visits. Even with a court order I would say no he hasn’t see the child in so long.

Document everything and be civil. I would allow him a brief visit with your son in your house or at a public place instead of phone calls do text or email so you can document everything. Don’t let him manipulate you.
ArwenLives
by Member on Nov. 19, 2017 at 2:24 PM

Thanks for that input, Olivia'smom. I am inclined to agree to a meeting just to avoid accusations that I am withholding our son, but insist that Ex get counseling, parenting classes, and so on if he wants to see DS beyond that.

In the past he had abducted DS, later got really flaky about picking him up due to his drinking, actually became homeless (living in his vehicle) then apparently decided to give up on any semblance of being a responsible adult and left the state. It's also tied in to not wanting to pay any support at all.

I could write a book!

cjsmom1
by Group Admin on Nov. 20, 2017 at 10:53 PM
Do you have custody on paper? I would make hom go through the court for visitation. He has been absent for a long time
ArwenLives
by Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 12:09 AM


Quoting cjsmom1: Do you have custody on paper? I would make hom go through the court for visitation. He has been absent for a long time

I have 100% legal, 50/50physical. He called again, we had a brief conversation about his ADHD and how he was doing. 

I agree with you, at this point there reallly needs to be court supervision if he wants to see our son again. As far as I know, Dad is just as unstable as ever.

ame4c
by Group Admin on Dec. 7, 2017 at 11:37 PM
By law you have to allow it because you never updated the court order. You NEED to get a lawyer NOW and get that court order updated so you have full custody. Otherwise you will look like the bad guy when this goes to court. The court will say if you thought it was a bad idea you would have updated the court order. So while you hold your kid from his father, you are in contempt of court.

Plus, the court will recognize the rights of the father. They don't care if he's a bad father unless their is abuse. So get ready for the courts to want to give dad time if dad shows he is serious about being a dad now.

But please get a lawyer and go for full custody now before your ex wises up and takes you to court for contempt.
amurb
by on Dec. 8, 2017 at 2:53 PM
I am sorry this is going on, as a parent to two kids with fathers who aren’t now really present and a husband who takes the kids in as husband own I understand what you are going through. If he hasn’t been involved before I wouldn’t trust him to take care, if he insists then go to court about it and insist that he is supervised while visiting with him since he is an alcoholic. Good luck

Quoting ArwenLives:

So my ex (full-blown narcissist) after 5 years of almost no contact, is making noise about wanting to see our son, who is 10. He insisted on speaking to me on the phone 2 weeks ago. I was able to have a calm conversation with him but at the very end I realized, after hanging up, the real purpose of the call was to see if I had a partner. After all this time and all the B.S., he thinks he has a chance with me! 

So 2 days ago I get an email asking if he can call again, and what were our holiday plans. In odd years the c.o. says he can have DS on Thanksgiving. Well, DS does not remember his dad, what he looks like, or what his dad's name is. I emailed back to Ex I have plans to go out of town. He hasn't called.

My feeling is, if he's missed K-5th, has made no effort to have a relationship with DS during these crucial years, the chances that he could succeed in court are quite small. BTW, he's a severe alcoholic, and I have dirt that is documented.

What do all of you think?

M4LG5
by Member on Dec. 8, 2017 at 3:10 PM

My oldest daughter's biological dad just recently reached out as well.  At 1.5 years old, it was not a good situation (he was on drungs) so I got full custody, a restraining order, and supervised visitations.  He was gone shortly after that.

Between 5.5 - 6.5 years old, he utilized the supervised visitation every other month.......saw her for a total of 7 HOURS!  He thought "okay...I did everything I asked" and just wanted to have visitations whenever.  I told him that the next step is to change how the visitations are so he needs to request a change of custody.  He didn't want to do it and hasn't been around her since.  She is now 14 years old.

I told him that there would be some boundaries IF she says yes because it was going to be up to her.  My daughter and I talked at length and she said "yes" to meeting him but agrees to my conditions.

It will be a meeting between him, me, and her only to start off with.  IF she feels comfortable, I will take her to his parents house where she can meet his wife and kids (her half siblings) with his mom, dad, brother, sister.  I don't have any issues with leaving her there with his side of the family because throughout this time, i've tried to maintain a relationship with them for her.  It will not be overnight and it will only be about 4 hours.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Dec. 11, 2017 at 2:59 PM

No, don't send him with him. My ex husband went 3 years without seeing our daughter, then wanted to see her one time and then its been over a year again. At this point my daughter is 9, and the last time he really saw her often was before kindergarten, she is in 4th grade now. If at this point he asked to take her for a holiday or even over night one night, there is no way I'd send her. I don't care what the court order says I'd not send my kid with someone they don't really know, especially if that person has other issues. My ex husband lost his chance to be in our daughter's life. If when she is an adult, she wants to see him, then I can't do anything about it, but there is a point its too late. And I would not feel safe sending my kid with someone they barely know despite him being the father...I am also remarried and think that my ex husband hoped he had a chance to try again. He now refuses to sign over his rights, but never sees her, just so my husband can't adopt her. 

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