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In a deep mess...

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

and I'm being literal. I'm in a deep mess. I need some advise on how to fix this.

Here's the deal: single mom of 3, but only 2 kids still live at home. I'm battling severe depression. I've seen a counselor, been on meds (not at the moment though), done therapy, yada yada yada... but this particular aspect of my depression has not been resolved in 20+ years. My house is a disaster. My kitchen has dishes in it that haven't been clean in probably an entire year, and I'm not exaggerating. I don't think some of the dishes have been cleaned since LAST Christmas. Yes, I've done SOME of the dishes since then, but they keep piling up. My living room is a disaster as well; my desk is covered with paperwork, and the rest of the living room is filled with my daughter's crap. My bedroom is the WORST. You cannot see the floor, and there's a thin path to walk to my bed, and that's it. The rest is covered in clothing, mostly my daughter's, but some suitcases as well. My garage is filled with empty boxes, old furniture, and things I've been trying to sell that once belonged to my deceased mother, and now stuff from my deceased father are starting to pile up as well. The worst of everything is that I KNOW there's a rodent in my house, and it loves my room, and it's scritch scratching all night and keeping me awake.

I TRY to egg myself on and animate myself to actually clean, but I look at the mess and my depression and anxiety get the best of me and I'm either not at home enought to actually do anything, or I'm sitting on the computer and playing games, or just laying in bed trying to sleep. I've been this way since I was a child... my parents had to ground me from everything other than school so I would clean my room, and I just sat in my room reading magazines or books for weeks on end instead of cleaning. 

NO ONE ELSE IN THE HOUSE will help me no matter how much I ask nicely, make it a daily chore, plead, beg, scream, yell, go ballistic, etc... 

My oldest doesn't even want to come home to visit because he knows how messy the house is, and if he DOES come home to visit, he ends up only staying for a few hours, and then goes and spends the night at a friends house usually. :'(

I'm on one income, which is barely enough to pay rent and utilites. I'm on food stamps becuase I don't make enough to feed us after bills are paid. I can't afford to move to a new place because I would end up having to pay double what I already pay... I can't really afford to hire someome to help me either, which I know I really need some professional help right about now. :'(


It's hard to explain how I am feeling, or how this is impacting everything I do... 

Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 4, 2017 at 1:09 AM
Replies (31-33):
by Anonymous 2 on Dec. 5, 2017 at 9:00 PM
First understand that this is it's not as dire or as desperate as it feels right now. So I suggest that the very first thing you try to do is clean and put away all the dishes. If your sink is clean then you are able to clean the rest of the kitchen. To motivate your youngest you can set a timer for 10 minutes and give them a chore to finish in ten could be throwing away garbage in the kitchen. Throw away as much garbage as they can find in 10 minutes and when the timer goes off they are done....what you might find is that they thought it was fun and may do another 10 minutes of something else immediately after or the next day. Force yourself to clean one load of laundry a day, wash it, dry it and put it away. Eventually that pile on
the bedroom floor will no longer be there. Little by little you'll develope a routine and gain control again. This didn't happen over night and it won't get fixed over night but 10 minutes a day will make a world of difference.
by Carrie on Dec. 5, 2017 at 9:09 PM
I don't think it's a boy thing. It's what someone chooses to do. My son is 15 and I have always made sure he showers or bathes everyday. We remind them to wash the hands before eating, brush their teeth so we should do the same when it's time to clean the rest of the body.

Quoting Anonymous 1:

I was actually evaluated for bipolar, and didn't have the symptoms or whatever, so the psychiatrist told me I wasn't even close to that. But I was diagnosed with severe depression that had been undiagnosed for 10 years. That was back in 2009. I don't know if things have changed enough in my life that bipolar could be a diagnoses now. 

But to answer your question earlier virginiamama- laundry is done pretty much daily, but it's piled up on beds and not put away in drawers. My daughter showers every other day. She actually will clean the bathroom weekly.  My 9yo and showering is a whole different story, but when I talk to other parents they all say "oh it's normal for a 9yo to not want to bathe regulary," or "oh it's a boy thing, my son did that too at 9 years old."  I don't agree. 

Quoting virginiamama71: I had a friend in high school that lived like this too. She would ask us to help clean her room when she invited us over. We never got anywhere with the piles of clothes on the bed, and floor. The kitchen and bathroom was gross. She was later diagnosed with bipolar. 😞

Quoting M4LG5:

I've actually had friends whose houses where like this.  They were embarrassed but they didn't know what to do themselves.  Sometimes if they were to do something or move something, their mom or dad would tell them not to.  It was definitely something wrong.

Another friend did try to help keep the house cleaned herself but felt like she was the parent and not the child and it created a bad situation with her mom so she stopped trying to clean everything. 

Quoting virginiamama71: And everyone in the house has this lack of motivation to clean up a place they live in?
It sounds like it's so bad there the oldest son is ashamed to come over. 😞

Quoting M4LG5:

I think the "how to do it" is not as much of the problem.  I think finding the motivation TO DO IT.  KWIM?

When I don't have that much email, I am pretty motivated to keep it maintained.  If I am out or too busy to check email, it gets worse and then I just becomes easier by avoiding it.  This is probably the OP but with her house.

Quoting virginiamama71: Okay but no one knows how to wash dishes?
Do pots and pans get washed?
Anyone doing the laundry?
Mopping the kitchen and bathroom floors? Cleaning the toilet and shower?
Taking daily showers?

Quoting Anonymous 1:

Oh, it's VERY noticiable... and we've been eating off paper plates, or eating elsewhere. :'( 

Quoting virginiamama71: The dishes...has no one noticed dishes piling up in the sink for a year?

Quoting Anonymous 1:

Quoting virginiamama71: If you don't teach your children what needs to be done to maintain a home how do you expect them to help you.

The thing is, we HAVE done it before...  but I am VERY concious that I am not doing very well in teaching my own kids how to maintain a home...

by Anonymous 3 on Dec. 6, 2017 at 6:45 AM
I understand completely. Tackle one thing at a time, one day at a time. So what I mean wash a total of three dishes. Look at the spot where they were and say to yourself wow, that spot is empty. If you feel like it do three more. If not, treat yourself kindly make a cup of tea and sit. Then get a garbage bag and take everything off the floor in your family/living room. The next day again. When the floors are clean start with all the counters. Aim to get rid of the stuff in the counters. And wash another three dishes plus one more. The next day get some vim or comet and a couple of cloths and clean the bathroom. Concentrate make it sparkle. When you finish the dishes clean that sink to. Make it sparkle. Sit back look and be proud. Eventually l, wash your sheets and make the bed. First day yours, next day one other child’s and next day the other. You can do this. When your depressed it’s overwhelming but little by little tackle it. Also, for the money issue. Use a budgeting app like EveryDollar and budget your money as little as it is tell it where it’s going for the month. You will feel better more in control and you will get out if this. You can do this. Remember be kind to yourself. Good luck!
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