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Momma needs help. Denied. (Long Rant. I'm angry and hurt)

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 14 Replies

This morning my mother and I got into this big fight. 

Every school morning I take my kids up to my parents house which is on the way to the bus stop for my oldest and my youngests day care. My parents help me pay for day care because you know single mom, no money, can't get gov't help because I make slightly too  much for help. 

Anyway so I get there to my parent's house and the first thing my mom does is yell at me because  my oldest doesn't have his thick jacket. She's like how do you lose a jacket in that little apartment. 

What she doesn't know is that we looked for the jacket, he only had his 2 wool type school jackets and a light one but its like 40 degrees outside so wearing a thick jacket isn't really necessary especially since he's got his school jacket plus 2 layers underneath and the light jacket over it. 

I said we don't have the jacket, no he hasn't worn it home in several days and I honestly don't know where it is. She goes on to yell at me and I turn around and I'm like Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a single mother? 

She says 'You chose that'

Yes, I chose to divorce my kids father, why? because he's an abusive alcoholic that literally did nothing but drink for 4 years straight and scream at me when I came home from work to have a whole 30 minutes to myself before getting the kids. For 2 of those 4 years my oldest would go to an after school program and I wouldn't be able to pick him up til 5 pm and I would get home around 4. Mind you, out of those 4 years he worked for exactly 9 months. I haven't seen a penny in child support or any type of help from him. 

In fact he spent the better part of this year in jail for violating the protective order against me. When the PO expired and he got out of jail he spent 3 months straight emailing me, calling me, following me every day. 

None of this is the point though. 

Yes I chose to divorce my kids father, I chose to become a single mother because hey, it's better than the alternative which at that time was suicide. Yes I really did contemplate killing myself to get rid of him, thank God I came to my senses and divorced him instead. 

However, I did that with the thought that I would have some support from my parents. I didn't expect to have my bills paid, I didn't expect to drop my kids off whenever so I could go out. I don't do either of those things. I expected for some help. Maybe pick the kids up from the bus stop and day care, maybe take them for a few hours on the weekends so I could have some alone time and actually clean the house. 

Anyway, so my mom tells me I chose to be a single mother and I exploded. 

I told her "Do you know what its like to be a single mother? NO you don't. You've always had dad to help you, everything that you did to raise me and my sister with my dad I'm doing alone. None of you know what it's like being a single mother, my sister and her husband make 4 times as much as I do and are still struggling to raise their one child but hey they have each other. Again everything they're doing together I'm doing by myself." 

I don't expect much, I expect a support system, I expect the things I mentioned above. 

Then she tried to use my age as an excuse 'Are you 65 almost 66'

No mom and I can't control my age anymore than you can. 

Furthermore, she stays at home all day. She cleans the house once a week and goes to Walmart maybe twice a week. She literally has all this time on her hands and in fact told me that she and my dad would help me out. She complains that she's bored out of her mind at home alone all day but refuses to either get out of the house, get a part time job, anything. She complains that she's sick all the time but again refuses to go to the doctor to get checked out. 

She doesn't work, she hasn't worked in 13 years.  I appreciate everything that she and my dad have done for me. I don't tell them often because ACTIONS speak louder than words. I SHOW them instead. I do things around the house, I clean up, I cook, I run errands for them. I thank them for everything that they do for me. I get them thoughtful gifts whenever it's necessary (birthdays, Christmas, etc)

I spend my meager paycheck on my living expenses first but always find money for everything else. Sometimes it's literally found money or won money (I won $100 on scratch offs recently) but I do it. 

Am I wrong here? Am I not allowed to expect a support system of my family when they told me they would help me out? 


Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 13, 2017 at 8:57 AM
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Elle.tea.22
by on Dec. 25, 2017 at 5:22 PM
Any pity I might have left when you start numbering "she only does this and that all week". She already played mother. She doesn't have to pitch in for your kids, you chose to be a mother, you chose to be a single mother and because of your preparation for life, this is where YOU are. Support is support, not supplement. Do better.
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Dec. 21, 2017 at 7:42 AM
This is a typical argument that a mother would have with her daughter. Believe me I know. My mother will tell me what I’m doing wrong with the kids ie let them get away with things, not finishing their food , not saying hello properly etc. Whatever they do somehow the blame falls on you. Your son probably took his jacket off one warm afternoon and left it at school. Please ignore what your mother says because she does truly love you and your children. She just doesn’t like you saying your life is harder than hers. Everyone feels their life is difficult. She felt attacked and attacked back. Just let it go and just know that everyone knows how difficult life is for you, including your mother. She will always be there for you. Let it go and enjoy your holidays. So happy you got away from the abuse and started your life and the children’s away from all of that.
virginiamama71
by Carrie on Dec. 13, 2017 at 9:04 AM
I hope you and your Mother can work through this.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Dec. 13, 2017 at 9:08 AM

Has your mom always been rude like this? If so, it's very possible she won't change. I wanted family support (help with the kids if you can in an emergency and my parents would not do it). They actually would make me feel worse. I no longer have a relationship with them. It's hard, but at least I don't have to hear their shit all the time and like I said, they never were there for me anyways.

CorpCityGrl
by Member on Dec. 13, 2017 at 9:13 AM

Ugh! I'm sorry mama! I know there will be people who will tell you that you are being ungrateful but I won't. Why? Because I too am a single mom and I know how important and how vital having a supporty system is. 

Many of us single parents did not simply wake up one day and say "I'm gonna have kids and I'm gonna do it without a partner." Nope, we started with the best intentions but life is like that and it happens. As hard as it is to do it alone, you made an important decision and I don't think it's right for your mom to throw that in your face. 

We naturally think our parents are going to be a big part of our support system but many times, they end up being the source of stress and sometimes judgement and it's  disheartening. As much as I love my mom, I do not always look to her for support because sometimes she's like your mom and I find that it has caused resentment. I've slowly learned to just continue doing what I'm doing and what is necessary for me and my child, regardless of her judgment or what she says. No, she does not know what it's like to have to do it all alone and that's fine...she can't relate nor can she empathize. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 13, 2017 at 9:23 AM

She's always been bitchy, but truly loves my kids. She's always complained but that's just how she is. You learn to just kind of ignore it after a while. It's always the same complaint, that she's bored. You'd think she would thrive on having my kids around. 

I understand over the weekends when my nephew is there also that she might be frustrated. The 2 little ones are both 4 and they're like besties and get into everything! On those days I stay at my parents house as much as possible because yes they're old, and those kids are like little hyperactive monsters. 

It just really irked me because ever since my divorce she's been talking about moving overseas Or just up and disappearing for days at a time and I'm over here like Hey, I need you here, I need help while I figure all this single mom shit out. 

I've been divorced since June so it hasnt been long although I'd been separated since Sept 2016. I lived with my parents from Sept 2016-July 2017 and right after my divorce was finalized I'd finished paying off all my debt so I moved out. I pay all the bills myself (I figured I'd done it for 4 years while paying for my ex's habits and rehabs so why can't I do it now) 

I can totally understand being made to feel worse about it. 

I just wish they had some empathy towards me. I do my best to help them out but it truly feels like I'm nothing but a burden to her. 

Quoting Anonymous 2:

Has your mom always been rude like this? If so, it's very possible she won't change. I wanted family support (help with the kids if you can in an emergency and my parents would not do it). They actually would make me feel worse. I no longer have a relationship with them. It's hard, but at least I don't have to hear their shit all the time and like I said, they never were there for me anyways.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Dec. 13, 2017 at 9:31 AM

Yeah, throwing things in your face that you "chose" to be a single mom is just awful especially because it was a great decision for you and your kids. Since she is like this and also since she says she wants to move away, I would try to find support in other ways. But god do I know how hard that is! But I would at least try to think outside of the box and prepare yourself to not rely on them as much. I am just speaking from experience. No, I am not a single mom but my DH has a disease and I was literally in shock that no one would help me or DH or our kids when he was bedridden. But they still expected me to be there for them! (my parents). 

Although with the young age of your kids, it feels like this situation will be forever, it won't be. At age 12 my son felt safe to stay at home a couple of hours by himself. Some kids do that even before that age and for longer than a couple of hours. I am shocked that my son will be in high school next year! It truly went by SO FAST! Just know it won't always be like this. Big Hugs!!!

Quoting Anonymous 1:

She's always been bitchy, but truly loves my kids. She's always complained but that's just how she is. You learn to just kind of ignore it after a while. It's always the same complaint, that she's bored. You'd think she would thrive on having my kids around. 

I understand over the weekends when my nephew is there also that she might be frustrated. The 2 little ones are both 4 and they're like besties and get into everything! On those days I stay at my parents house as much as possible because yes they're old, and those kids are like little hyperactive monsters. 

It just really irked me because ever since my divorce she's been talking about moving overseas Or just up and disappearing for days at a time and I'm over here like Hey, I need you here, I need help while I figure all this single mom shit out. 

I've been divorced since June so it hasnt been long although I'd been separated since Sept 2016. I lived with my parents from Sept 2016-July 2017 and right after my divorce was finalized I'd finished paying off all my debt so I moved out. I pay all the bills myself (I figured I'd done it for 4 years while paying for my ex's habits and rehabs so why can't I do it now) 

I can totally understand being made to feel worse about it. 

I just wish they had some empathy towards me. I do my best to help them out but it truly feels like I'm nothing but a burden to her. 

Quoting Anonymous 2:

Has your mom always been rude like this? If so, it's very possible she won't change. I wanted family support (help with the kids if you can in an emergency and my parents would not do it). They actually would make me feel worse. I no longer have a relationship with them. It's hard, but at least I don't have to hear their shit all the time and like I said, they never were there for me anyways.



Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 13, 2017 at 9:40 AM

My oldest (12) stays home by himself sometimes. Most weekends I'll leave him home for a few hours and come home to him sitting in front of the TV eating mac and cheese he made himself. Or spaghetti'os or something else he can easily make himself. He's allowed to use the stove because we have electric not gas so I don't worry about it. 

Plus my dog will keep him safe in case something does happen along with the security camera's. 

However my oldest has Asperger's so I don't think he's mature enough yet to take care of his brother (4) home alone yet so I take the baby with me. I left them home alone once together, but the 4 year old was napping and I left for all of 10 minutes. 

I've been looking into doing a house sharing type thing with other single moms. Or, I mentioned my worries to a close friend of mine and he was like we'll figure it out when the time comes. He wanted me to move in with the kids but I'm not too sure about that. 

I'm working on other things. I'm even working on a first draft for a book that pretty much defines my life for the last 4 years, all the abuse, the recovery, then the harassment. 

I think it will help other women that were in my situation hopefully get out and get strong. I know I'm getting stronger. I know I'm better now than ever before and I know for a fact that I'm doing things that neither my mom or sister would ever be able to do.

It was just a slap in the face. 

Quoting Anonymous 2:

Yeah, throwing things in your face that you "chose" to be a single mom is just awful especially because it was a great decision for you and your kids. Since she is like this and also since she says she wants to move away, I would try to find support in other ways. But god do I know how hard that is! But I would at least try to think outside of the box and prepare yourself to not rely on them as much. I am just speaking from experience. No, I am not a single mom but my DH has a disease and I was literally in shock that no one would help me or DH or our kids when he was bedridden. But they still expected me to be there for them! (my parents). 

Although with the young age of your kids, it feels like this situation will be forever, it won't be. At age 12 my son felt safe to stay at home a couple of hours by himself. Some kids do that even before that age and for longer than a couple of hours. I am shocked that my son will be in high school next year! It truly went by SO FAST! Just know it won't always be like this. Big Hugs!!!

Quoting Anonymous 1:

She's always been bitchy, but truly loves my kids. She's always complained but that's just how she is. You learn to just kind of ignore it after a while. It's always the same complaint, that she's bored. You'd think she would thrive on having my kids around. 

I understand over the weekends when my nephew is there also that she might be frustrated. The 2 little ones are both 4 and they're like besties and get into everything! On those days I stay at my parents house as much as possible because yes they're old, and those kids are like little hyperactive monsters. 

It just really irked me because ever since my divorce she's been talking about moving overseas Or just up and disappearing for days at a time and I'm over here like Hey, I need you here, I need help while I figure all this single mom shit out. 

I've been divorced since June so it hasnt been long although I'd been separated since Sept 2016. I lived with my parents from Sept 2016-July 2017 and right after my divorce was finalized I'd finished paying off all my debt so I moved out. I pay all the bills myself (I figured I'd done it for 4 years while paying for my ex's habits and rehabs so why can't I do it now) 

I can totally understand being made to feel worse about it. 

I just wish they had some empathy towards me. I do my best to help them out but it truly feels like I'm nothing but a burden to her. 

Quoting Anonymous 2:

Has your mom always been rude like this? If so, it's very possible she won't change. I wanted family support (help with the kids if you can in an emergency and my parents would not do it). They actually would make me feel worse. I no longer have a relationship with them. It's hard, but at least I don't have to hear their shit all the time and like I said, they never were there for me anyways.




momof2555
by on Dec. 13, 2017 at 9:46 AM

oh that's good! i was thinking your kids were younger! i'm sorry your 4 yr old has aspergers. i wonder if there is any extra help you can get because of that? like support groups for him and for yourself? and maybe those groups could tell you what they do.

just know that you are very strong person and are doing everything you can for you and your kids and that's all that matters.

Quoting Anonymous 1:

My oldest (12) stays home by himself sometimes. Most weekends I'll leave him home for a few hours and come home to him sitting in front of the TV eating mac and cheese he made himself. Or spaghetti'os or something else he can easily make himself. He's allowed to use the stove because we have electric not gas so I don't worry about it. 

Plus my dog will keep him safe in case something does happen along with the security camera's. 

However my oldest has Asperger's so I don't think he's mature enough yet to take care of his brother (4) home alone yet so I take the baby with me. I left them home alone once together, but the 4 year old was napping and I left for all of 10 minutes. 

I've been looking into doing a house sharing type thing with other single moms. Or, I mentioned my worries to a close friend of mine and he was like we'll figure it out when the time comes. He wanted me to move in with the kids but I'm not too sure about that. 

I'm working on other things. I'm even working on a first draft for a book that pretty much defines my life for the last 4 years, all the abuse, the recovery, then the harassment. 

I think it will help other women that were in my situation hopefully get out and get strong. I know I'm getting stronger. I know I'm better now than ever before and I know for a fact that I'm doing things that neither my mom or sister would ever be able to do.

It was just a slap in the face. 

Quoting Anonymous 2:

Yeah, throwing things in your face that you "chose" to be a single mom is just awful especially because it was a great decision for you and your kids. Since she is like this and also since she says she wants to move away, I would try to find support in other ways. But god do I know how hard that is! But I would at least try to think outside of the box and prepare yourself to not rely on them as much. I am just speaking from experience. No, I am not a single mom but my DH has a disease and I was literally in shock that no one would help me or DH or our kids when he was bedridden. But they still expected me to be there for them! (my parents). 

Although with the young age of your kids, it feels like this situation will be forever, it won't be. At age 12 my son felt safe to stay at home a couple of hours by himself. Some kids do that even before that age and for longer than a couple of hours. I am shocked that my son will be in high school next year! It truly went by SO FAST! Just know it won't always be like this. Big Hugs!!!

Quoting Anonymous 1:

She's always been bitchy, but truly loves my kids. She's always complained but that's just how she is. You learn to just kind of ignore it after a while. It's always the same complaint, that she's bored. You'd think she would thrive on having my kids around. 

I understand over the weekends when my nephew is there also that she might be frustrated. The 2 little ones are both 4 and they're like besties and get into everything! On those days I stay at my parents house as much as possible because yes they're old, and those kids are like little hyperactive monsters. 

It just really irked me because ever since my divorce she's been talking about moving overseas Or just up and disappearing for days at a time and I'm over here like Hey, I need you here, I need help while I figure all this single mom shit out. 

I've been divorced since June so it hasnt been long although I'd been separated since Sept 2016. I lived with my parents from Sept 2016-July 2017 and right after my divorce was finalized I'd finished paying off all my debt so I moved out. I pay all the bills myself (I figured I'd done it for 4 years while paying for my ex's habits and rehabs so why can't I do it now) 

I can totally understand being made to feel worse about it. 

I just wish they had some empathy towards me. I do my best to help them out but it truly feels like I'm nothing but a burden to her. 

Quoting Anonymous 2:

Has your mom always been rude like this? If so, it's very possible she won't change. I wanted family support (help with the kids if you can in an emergency and my parents would not do it). They actually would make me feel worse. I no longer have a relationship with them. It's hard, but at least I don't have to hear their shit all the time and like I said, they never were there for me anyways.





Oliviasmom72
by Gold Member on Dec. 13, 2017 at 2:12 PM
Your Mom help you and you need the help. You had kids with a total idiot. Regardless if tempers were lost you should be grateful of the help. Yes kids lose jackets my son has lost and found his thick winter jacket 3 or 4 times already this fall.

I’m divorced with 2 kids 13 and 9 and my parents don’t help out near as much as yours does. Mine do live a little further away though

Good luck. Even though your Mom said somethings that weren’t nice you are more screwed if she stops helping you.
ame4c
by Group Admin on Dec. 20, 2017 at 8:23 AM
Besides what these other ladies are telling you, something to think about:
She's teaching your kids it's ok to lack empathy towards you and by you doing nothing your telling them it's ok. This will cause you more problems as your kiddos get older.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Dec. 21, 2017 at 7:42 AM
This is a typical argument that a mother would have with her daughter. Believe me I know. My mother will tell me what I’m doing wrong with the kids ie let them get away with things, not finishing their food , not saying hello properly etc. Whatever they do somehow the blame falls on you. Your son probably took his jacket off one warm afternoon and left it at school. Please ignore what your mother says because she does truly love you and your children. She just doesn’t like you saying your life is harder than hers. Everyone feels their life is difficult. She felt attacked and attacked back. Just let it go and just know that everyone knows how difficult life is for you, including your mother. She will always be there for you. Let it go and enjoy your holidays. So happy you got away from the abuse and started your life and the children’s away from all of that.
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