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Pre-Divorce Empowerment. Tell Me What You Know/Learned

Posted by on May. 28, 2007 at 11:45 AM
  • 1 Replies
If I had to leave today w nothing but the cloths on my back, what are the most important essentials that I should have to prepare for a divorce& to survive/start over. I have 30k in debt, no assets/investments, no home in my name,3 teens,1 dependant adult child w 2 infants & 1 toddler, a husband w 2 girlfriends.================================================================today was the day that put the final pieces of the puzzle together. all the stolen property, missing work days, not coming home, not providing for the children, hostile and abusive behavior, etc. was confirmed with the news that my husband has two girlfriends.

one of them he has known for more than 30 years. the other is more recent. but overall, now that i understand the behavior, i feel that he has had many girlfriends over the years plus his steady long term girl friend that has been there since his first marriage perhaps 30 years ago. 

 i had my suspicions, but i could not prove it. today my teenaged daughter found out through one of his granddaughters. she apparently found out when her mother was telling her and someone else about it.

today i found that me and my children were the only ones on the planet who did not know this was a life style for him.  even people at his job knew. i think they found out when they recently met me and were shocked that i was his wife. i am numb.

i looked around at what material things i had left. he took most everything. Hundreds of dollars of countless, nameless items.  he gave them to family members and perhaps some girlfriends. He is preparing to leave and his family is shopping among my cloths, shoes, furniture, paintings, etc. his mother never comes to my house. One day when I came home from work, she was there big as life telling me that she was taking the painting I made for my living room home with her. I was appauled. I confronted my husband about it and all he said is that she was kidding. No way. She came personally to shop. I think people come while I am at work.
the character assassination is so bad, they are happy to help him destroy me. He planted the seed of me being the bad guy everywhere he went. When I found this one out recently, he pretended that none of it happened.  I better git while the gittn’s good. I can still furnish a home with what is left if i can get it out without him knowing.

I have not alerted him of my recent knowledge.  I pretend to be naïve so that he won’t speed things up.

i looked at my life. i don't have friends. i never did. i have aquaintances at work. i have folks who come to bible study at my home. i know who some of the neighbors are in general, but no friends. There is no family. there is no one that i can tell this story to, therefore there is no one to help me. The lawyers won’t help. The police won’t help. I am totally on my own. i understand that is how my husbands was able to get away with this for so long. there was no one to tell me about it, no one to help me and his family worked together to set me up.

i looked at my finances. i am 30k in debt with both secured and unsecured debt. i have no chance at paying that off at all because my oldest daughter is chronically ill with two newborns and a toddler. her husband is not around and i am the only one to help her. CPS threatened to put her children in foster care when she went to the hospital with them in tow one day. She was looking for assistance. They wanted to put them in foster care because they thought she would need a cast on a broken bone and would not be able to care for them. Through all this and her inability to pay for rent,  i now pay the 700.00 monthly rent, the 23-25.00 for each can of formula that the W.I.C. program does not cover, the extra gas to transport them around each, extra diapers and groceries, etc. the other grandparents have not helped so far. they have been asked.

 i am so bitter now with this recent news that i don't want to help anymore because i feel trapped. Unfortunately, i said some mean things along the lines of she knew that she was ill, i told her not to have children, her husband was not dependable, and it would be a burden on me if she did not listen to the warning. at first i said that i would never help her if she made such a stupid choice, and i did not for over a year. she decided to have a child anyway. i then told her to never have children again.

i requested surgery to make sure. she was offended. but look what happened, she had twins. i was not going to help until the CPS threat. I realized that she may never see her kids again. the whole foster care thing is so frightening. i could not let it happen. strangers are dangerous.

my daughter is now in a short term school program to get better pay and is actively looking for work.  that is also frightening because she will be gone all the time and strangers will be raising her children. the newborns don't have a chance, but i can't afford anymore time, money and effort into saving them.

i looked at my job. it is not good enough for me to pay all the bills on my own. i am looking into some quick education that will teach me the Excel program and others so that i can get an office job on the side.

i looked at my husband. he is a chronic liar on all subjects. i want to leave but i can't. so far he has not been acting up, but he has been sloppily preparing to leave me for months without admitting it. he has taken equity out of his house to pay his bills. all he has left is the mortgage and the vehicle. i looked around at some papers and found that he only has 25k left of equity and he won't be persuade to share it. we live in a community property state. if he sold his home,i would get very little...only about 12.5k, if it is still there.

My husband refuses to say where the insurance papers are.  I found some older papers that stated his mother as the beneficiary. This man lives as though he does not have a family. We come last on everything. I wish I knew how to make sure my name was on the insurance papers and just to make sure his children will be secure after he is gone be he alive or dead.i have to be nice and appease him to buy myself more time. i want to be prepared to leave by the end of the year. Realistically, I will only be prepared to get a better/2nd job,  I won’t have enough money still.  in order to do that (have $) i must stop giving my extra time so that i can work more and go to school. everyone will suffer greatly, especially the babies. i will have high blood pressure again, migranes and other problems.

i can't put food on the table now, so the teens who are off school for the summer will feel the pain. 2 of them may be able to work, but the last one will be at the mercy of any extra money the siblings may have. no summer vacation, camp, projects this year. only homebound boredom.  I wonder how I will buy new school cloths this time.

i know that many of you women have been through divorces. you have learned what a woman needs to have when the time comes. so my question is: if i had to leave this house tomorrow with nothing but the cloths on my back, what are essentials for me to have to make sure that me and the children are not homeless, penniless or hungry. to make sure that we do not suffer in the manner my husband intends for us to suffer. he swore that he would ruin the children.  he is twisted. 

 what do i absolutely need to have? papers? legal actions? finances? advocate? What do I ask for through a lawyer?  i am just guessing. What did you do? your relatives? your siblings? your friends? your neighbors?  where do i go to find this help? internet links, phone numbers? addresses? please tell me everything. 
by on May. 28, 2007 at 11:45 AM
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by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 12:11 PM
Dont leave. Go file for divorce! Apply for divorce fee waiver. Claim financial hardship. It will be hard. Make a list of all your debt which you will present in court and ask that he pays half. Ask for alimony, child support, anything to bust his balls.
This will not rid you of pain, it might make it worse for a few month but it will get better. In court you can ask for jurisdiction that children canot leave country, staye, or city without your consent...
If you have to leave the house, then be prepared to struggle. You said you do not have friends so who can you stay with?
When I left, I took my two kids and I to live with my aunt and uncle. He defamed me with everyone!! Even online!!I lost my job!! It too me 6 months to get on my feet. Good luck!!
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