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Newly single mother of 2

Posted by on Jul. 11, 2007 at 2:16 AM
  • 2 Replies
Hey, I'm newly single & I was wondering if anyone had any advice on dealing w/ babies daddies & raisng 2 kids & going to school full time....I'm scared, but it's not worth getting back w/ my ex- because he hinders me, & controls me & only brings me down.......& any advice on regaining self-confidence & independence...I lost it all thru this long, night mare relationship......I'd really appreciate everyones honest advice!!!!
by on Jul. 11, 2007 at 2:16 AM
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jg524
by on Jul. 11, 2007 at 5:36 PM
You sound like I did a little over a year ago. I broke free from his grip and started over with my two boys (3 & 8). It was probably the sinlge most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But I did it and, so far, life seems to be treating me well. It's been like a reward for dealing with so much from him for so long (verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse).
When I was first looking at my role as a single mother I was scared to death. All the worries came at me at once, "Can I do this?", "What if I can't?", "How will I survive?", "How will the kids handle the change?" There were so many times I felt like I couldn't, like I wouldn't be able to do it on my own. In those moments I would think back to what it was like when I was married. How he treated me, how he treated the boys, his overall attitude about life. I would tell myself, "If I can make it out of that, I can do anything."
The first thing I did was find myself. I had to know who I was and what I wanted before I could take on this great task. I had been married since I was 19 so I really didn't have time to build my identity before settling down. I thought about the goals I had had when I was first married (and before) and thought about how they would be attainable at my age now (29). When I found myself and who I wanted to be, I altered it slightly to suit my new lifestyle - just me and my boys. I couldn't be the wild party-girl I was at 19 because I have children now, but I could have fun as an adult. That was the greatest discovery. I moved away from him - across an ocean actually - and started over. I had help from my family to get back on my feet and then I got my own place. I recently went back to college - something I was never allowed to do when I was married - and I am attending full-time on the internet. That makes life much easier and gives me more time to spend with my boys than a traditional campus.
My advice to you is be strong, hold your head up. I can't tell you how to do that; you have to find your inner strength on your own. But I found mine everytime I looked at my boys. I knew I had to have strength for them. I had to make a life for them that would nurture their hearts and minds. As far as dealing with the ex, I don't let him bully me any more. Then fun part about that is he knows his scare tactics don't work on me. Any threats he makes now are useless words. I've told him so. When he threatened to take me back to court, I said, "Bring it." (The phone was really silent after I said that.) I told him he had his turn of control over my life and it's over. He's married now (19 days after our divorce was final he was married) and his wife tries just as hard as he does to scare me. They try to intimidate the children into thinking I'm keeping them apart. My boys, especially my oldest, know the truth. They see it everyday. They see how much I love them and remember the way it was when their father was around. Children are really sharp and smart and they figure things out really quick.
Find yourself, find your dream and go after it. Taking small steps toward those goals is a great way to have everyday accomplishments. You can do this. I did. Many other have. It takes knowing who you are and how much of the BS you're willing to take from him - none!
shavonne126
by on Jul. 11, 2007 at 11:30 PM
well i have been single since day one since i got preg. worked through it all and went to school and still am working full time and school full time anything is possible even though you get stressed through it in the long run it will all be worth it
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