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I want OUT! help me!

Posted by on Jul. 11, 2007 at 1:38 PM
  • 11 Replies
Hello Ladies,
I have made up my mind that I want to leave, now all I have to do is do it.  (easier said than done)  I know I'll be fine financially w/out him (have been already), he does nothing to help me raise my son or take care of the house, he's very rarely home and when he is his ass is glued to the couch where he either sleeps or watches tv.  I truly want to be away from him.  Why can't I bring myself to do it?  I don't even know how to bring it up.  We are both (all) miserable and it's killing me! 

Can you lucky ladies who found the nerve to do it please tell me how you did it?  I need your stories, ideas, thoughts, insight, anything!  I need to make this step and I don't know how!
Thank you so much.
by on Jul. 11, 2007 at 1:38 PM
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Replies (1-10):
BlueEyes76
by on Jul. 11, 2007 at 3:13 PM
I want to leave also and don't know how to do it.. I am scared and I don't know really why, I would be better off on my own. But i know I can't afford it financially since I have two kids with him. I pay for the daycare and my car and minor stuff. So I am trying to get an idea of how to do it....  So when you know, let me know..

Thanks
BlueEyes76
sosojenn
by on Jul. 11, 2007 at 3:20 PM
Well I wasn't actually married to my daughter's father but we were engaged.
However, I knew I didn't want to be with him and I was tired of trying to convince myself otherwise.
First of all you should try to get support from family and friends....people to fall back on when you're in a rut.
As for bringing it up to your SO......I just plain out said "I can't do this anymore...this isn't gonna work out."
If you can't get yourself to verbally do it.....try writing them a note and leave it for them to read while you're out of the house.....then when you get back he'll most likely bring it up and that will open up the lines of communication.
Whatever you decide, just make sure you have other people standing by you on your decision cuz it makes it SOOO much more easier.
jcochr00
by on Jul. 11, 2007 at 5:07 PM
It was fairly easy for me to leave my ex. He was a loser that spent all of our money on dinners with his friends, and various other ways to impress people, leaving us broke, and me angry.

I was in college, so I utilized government assistance-guilt free. Unfortunately, you have to do some fanagling to actually get the assistance needed to get through tough times. I now have my RN degree, and can easily financially support myself and my children.

Maybe you could consider going to school? There is so much more assistance out there for students and single moms. If leaving is what you really want to do, look into that route.

Emotionally, its up to you. My ex was, and still is a big loser. It was scary to try on my own though. It took a long time for me to work up ther nerve to leave him. Dont let any outside influence pressure you to leave before you are ready.

You CAN do this though. If you want more information on going back to school, and assistance that is available, just send me a message, and I will try to help you out. I wrote the single parents resource page for my university.
brymom
by on Jul. 11, 2007 at 5:13 PM
I loved my sons father with all my heart when I left him. I was 19 at the time and its hard for a young girl to make such an adult desicion. At any rate I was young but I WAS a mother. He wasnt a good man. He did love his son and he still does and he is still in his life. But he didnt know how to love me. I knew I had no choice and I knew it was going to hurt no matter what. It was never going to be easy and waiting until I thot it would be easy was never going to happen so I decided to let it hurt and go on with life. Its been almost 6 years since then and I still harbor feelings. But I know I have to allow myself to feel these things at times because acting like it doesnt or wont hurt is just silly. It hurts and its hard to be alone. Your heart wont let you forget what rite so follow it.
butterfly36
by on Jul. 12, 2007 at 2:56 PM

I don't really need school.  I put myself thru school and have a great job with excellent benefits.  Money isn't an issue (well, yeah, it is, but it's not something that would stop me from doing it).  I just envision myself telling him and the hurt and blame I'll see in his eyes and I feel so much GUILT already w/out telling him I'm leaving.  I don't know how I'll handle the extra guilt this will add on top of it.  I feel I'm a strong person (I have to be to put up and deal w/ all I have been thru!).  I just can't seem to bring myself to say the words. 

If anyone would please share their story on the words they used, your story, situation, it would be very helpful!
thank you

sosojenn
by on Jul. 12, 2007 at 4:00 PM

Quoting butterfly36:

I don't really need school.  I put myself thru school and have a great job with excellent benefits.  Money isn't an issue (well, yeah, it is, but it's not something that would stop me from doing it).  I just envision myself telling him and the hurt and blame I'll see in his eyes and I feel so much GUILT already w/out telling him I'm leaving.  I don't know how I'll handle the extra guilt this will add on top of it.  I feel I'm a strong person (I have to be to put up and deal w/ all I have been thru!).  I just can't seem to bring myself to say the words. 

If anyone would please share their story on the words they used, your story, situation, it would be very helpful!
thank you



People like him are called "leeches".
I've known one too many of them and they're the hardest to seperate yourself from. They will suck all the energy and emotion out of you....they know what they're doing and they do it VERY well.
Don't allow yourself to fall into that trap over and over again.
You may love him but your son's future is in your hands......your son can't do it for himself. So you need to stop feeling guilty about how this GROWN MAN might feel and start taking responsibility for your child's life.

You're a mother FIRST.......a girlfriend/fiance/wife next.
If mommy isn't happy.....your son isn't happy either.
amigles
by on Jul. 12, 2007 at 6:50 PM
Well making the decision to leave is a good 1st step. My boyfriend was becoming verbally abusive and different things, but it was all I knew, I was Pregnant, and I wanted to be perfect. But I didn't want my son to grow up thinking that the way I was treated and the way his father is, was the right way to live and treat people. He hadn't called me for two weeks after my baby shower (after storming out and making a HUGE scene in front of my family and friends). When he finally did call I told him the lives we live are totally different and I need to work on things for me and he needs to do the same for himself. He is STILL hanging on and it has been 5 months (3 since the baby was born). If i am nice to him on the phone he thinks we are getting back together. Sometimes I want to give in to him because its so easy, and it would make some things in my life easier. But I know I deserve better, and I think you do to. Just stay strong. I couldnt have done it without my friends and mom. If you have someone who will sit with you while you talk to him (even if ove the phone) it helps, someone to talk to after you have talked with him, or just someone to take you out to lunch randomly, it all helps. THe support I got is what has helped and keeps helping. I hope this helps you.
jadedlily321
by on Jul. 12, 2007 at 7:02 PM

Quoting sosojenn:


Quoting butterfly36:

I don't really need school.  I put myself thru school and have a great job with excellent benefits.  Money isn't an issue (well, yeah, it is, but it's not something that would stop me from doing it).  I just envision myself telling him and the hurt and blame I'll see in his eyes and I feel so much GUILT already w/out telling him I'm leaving.  I don't know how I'll handle the extra guilt this will add on top of it.  I feel I'm a strong person (I have to be to put up and deal w/ all I have been thru!).  I just can't seem to bring myself to say the words. 

If anyone would please share their story on the words they used, your story, situation, it would be very helpful!
thank you



People like him are called "leeches".
I've known one too many of them and they're the hardest to seperate yourself from. They will suck all the energy and emotion out of you....they know what they're doing and they do it VERY well.
Don't allow yourself to fall into that trap over and over again.
You may love him but your son's future is in your hands......your son can't do it for himself. So you need to stop feeling guilty about how this GROWN MAN might feel and start taking responsibility for your child's life.

You're a mother FIRST.......a girlfriend/fiance/wife next.
If mommy isn't happy.....your son isn't happy either.



That is a perfect response! Kids pick up on our emotions more than we think & I always HATED knowing that my stress was rubbing off on my daughter, whether I wanted to or not.  I was one that couldn't just come out and tell him to his face either. I started by texting him at work(i know, real mature) but it was the best way I could handle that first step. Then when I get home from work, I just said, "I can't do this anymore, I'm so unhappy here & I just can't do it". I asked him to pack up some things and leave. He came by the next few weekends and gathered all of his things. I still sometimes question my decision but I know it was for the best.
Good luck dear, stay strong for your son!



~jade~
CJP4105
by on Jul. 12, 2007 at 7:09 PM
probably not the best way to do it, but here's my story: my son's dad and i had financial problems, so we were living at my mom's house.  One night i woke up because of Connor (my son) crying, so i fed him (he's was only a week old at the time) .  after feeding him i put him back into his crib (which was in our room) and saw that Matt's (connor's dad) phone had a message on it, so i looked and found a text from his ex girlfriend saying: "yeah. just call me when you get down here"  So I looked at the message he sent her and it said, "you wanna f**k when i come down to madison" (that's where he's from). So i took connor and we slept in the living room and before he got home from work the next day i had all his shit is garbage bags sitting in the driveway.  I wasn't a total bitch though, i let him say bye to his son.  Then he drove off giving me the finger.

It was actually really hard for me cause he was the only one i "gave myself to" and we were together for almost three years.  So that's my story, it probably wont help much, but good luck with everything.
Girleigh
by on Jul. 12, 2007 at 10:04 PM
Whatever way you do it, whether you pick up and leave, you have the "its not working" talk, or a big blow up fight. the most important thing of all is that you are consistant if you say its over, its over, period. no more hanging out, no more talking about anything other than your children and most importantly NO SEX!!  and once you leave you'll probably second guess yourself and wonder if you gave up something good..  you didnt! you deserve to be happy as does he. dont torture yourselves by going thru a yo-yo relationship. even if you have to use friends and family to get the kids back and forth. the best way to move on is to end all communication for a while.     I was in a 4 yr relationship i wanted out of in the first year, and i did leave him. then i went back, then i left him again, then i went back.. by the 4th year i wondered if i would ever be able to get on with out him in my life. and it was ROUGH! but now almost 6 yrs later I think why did i want to be with him so bad and resent him so much at the same time?   I kind of laugh to myself now and say "wow i am glad i got over that!"    :)  Good Luck!      If you need more advice check out this book..   It's called Break up Because Its Broken.. By Greg Behrendt and his wife.  its hilarious but very down to business and it will open your eyes! 
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