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Need the strength to end this marriage

Posted by on Jul. 11, 2007 at 9:29 PM
  • 7 Replies

I married my husband when I was 24. He was my first boyfriend, believe it or not. I had dated a few men before that, but it never transpired into anything long term. At that time, I was very insecure and didn't really know what it was like to be in a real relationship. I thought what my husband and I had was normal. 5 years later, at age 29, I finally figured out that what we have is far from normal.  My husband emotionally abuses me-it's the angry outburts ever few weeks and constant criticism type.  He doesn't cuss, thank goodness, and he has never hit me. He wouldn't hit me because he "knows" that it is wrong. In his eyes, what he is presently doing is "normal" and not abuse, and that I am the one that is crazy.
I am a working mom and my husband expects me to take care of everything around the house. If he has to help out at all, he calls me lazy. His job is to mow grass, and he hasn't done that in weeks.
I sent him an email last night to his work (he works night shift), since I can never can get in a word edgewise with him in person, he just goes off on these outbursts and criticisms without letting me speak anything that is on my mind. Anyway, this email, I asked that he leave, that I can't take this anymore. It was in the best interest of our son (15 months), that he stay in his home that he is used to, where his bed is, his toys, etc. The next day when coming come my husband refused to leave and said I need to leave. So, I said I would be contacting an attorney then to see what we need to do to get this resolved. I called an attorney last night and left a message. I have not heard back yet.
At work I had second thoughts about whether or not I did the right thing and thought that my husband and I could talk things over when I got home. Well, my husband literally made it a living hell for me at home this afternoon when I got home. Part of it actually reinforced the decision I had made. 
But, as my husband is working right now and my son is asleep, I still wonder where and how will I find the strength to do this. I don't know if I can. I feel like I have failed my friends and family. No one knows about this except my best friend. 
Part of me does try to think about the future and actually having a "normal" and loving relationship someday. I know I could, I just need the strength to get out of the one I am in first. 
I would appreciate any help you ladies could give me. Thanks for listening. 

by on Jul. 11, 2007 at 9:29 PM
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Replies (1-7):
tmod
by on Jul. 11, 2007 at 9:46 PM
i could have written this exact same post 6 months ago!  what finally gave me the "balls" to leave was meeting a man that was absolutley amazing.  i didn't cheat on my husband but i saw how much better i could do.  my daughter was about the same age as your son at that time too. we were together for almost 7 years, since i was 16.  like you said, he never hit me but i wouldn't have put it past him if he did.  he was very violent.  how long has this abuse been going on?  how long has the thought of leaving been going thru your head?  for me i knew 3-4 years ago i should have broken it off with him.  but i though i wouldn't find any onwe better, and then i wanted what was best for bailey....although i now i know that was not the best option.  you have to remember that you can and you will do better.  you DESERVE better.  be strong and it will all work out for the best.  good luck.  if you ever need to talk let me know. 
jadedlily321
by on Jul. 11, 2007 at 9:56 PM
You being unhappy affects your children, as does being happy! Just think of how much more confident of a mom you could be for your children! This is what I think when I have second thoughts about my relationship. I was miserable and no way in HELL i was going to put that misery on my daughter! Its hard & I still think "What if I made a mistake?" but i know what I did was best for my babe!
Hope that helps a little! I'm here if you EVER want to talk...

~jade~
hawaiiangoddess
by on Jul. 11, 2007 at 10:17 PM
Ijust recently broke it off with my fiance of 9 years and last oct. I made a big move from NH to Florida and he came for about a month and a half then had to go back up north for appt. and to settle everything before he came back. While he was gone all we did was fight he called me rotten names and called my 11 yr old who is learning and physically disabled a fu***** retard and in the mist of unpacking everything I found that he brought a gun with 280 rounds of ammo into my home so I called the police they removed it and I got a restraining order on him and that was the end of it. I also thought it was the end of my life. Well thank god my mom and dad live here to help me. Do you have family and friends that you can lean on? Because it may not feel like it now but if they are there to help you out trust me you can get through it. I will keep you in my prayers if you need to talk I am here.
diaste
by on Jul. 12, 2007 at 1:00 AM
I know exactly how you are feeling right now.  I went through the same thing 6 years ago with my ex.  The first 5 years of our marriage, he was verbally abuse to me and would blow up at the smallest things.  He hit me during the sixth year of our marriage a few times.  I struggled with the thoughts of divorce for about 6 months.  I finally did it and believe me it was very hard.  My emotions were up and down for almost 8 months after the split and I struggled with the thoughts of going back to him.  The one thing that made me stick to my decision was my son.  I started seeing my son lose his temper while playing and he was only four.  I knew that if I did not get my son out of that house, he would grow up to be just like him.  I made that decision for myself and my son.  I'm sure that you son is a big part of your struggles but please remember that what he sees everyday is what he learns.  You cannot change your husband.  He has to admit he has a problem and have the desire to get help.  Until he does that, it will never change.  You have to decide whether that is the life you want.  You deserve better than that and you deserve someone who will treat you as a queen.  You have to ask yourself, what do you want for yourself and your son.  Do you want someone to love you and treat you with respect and have someone who will be a positive role model for you son?  If the answer is yes, then you know what you need to do. 

By the way - as hard as my decision was... I am very happy now and could never go back to that life. 

Good luck and if you need to talk, I'm here.
deaelliharper
by on Jul. 12, 2007 at 12:53 PM
well I am going to add in with the others I know exactly what you are going through I was dating a man that group up in a culture where it is okay to abuse your wife and kids and when the mental abuse didnt bother me anymore the physical abuse started thank god he didnt abuse my children. I couldnt leave i didnt want to be alone finally one day my son looked at me and said "Mommy whats wrong with poppi hes mad at you" " its okay mommy its all going to be okay" the tears rolled out of my face like niagra falls and i told myself i am suppose to be the rock for my children not my children being my rock i left and never looked back God will send me who I need in due time.
BlueEyes76
by on Jul. 12, 2007 at 1:49 PM
Sweetheart, I am going through it right now, and I see what it has done with my son who is three. My son has a big behavior issue right now, and I have noticed when his father yells at him, you can see in my son's face, that he withdraws from that yelling. My fiance went away on fourth of July and my son acted so good, and I felt good without him.  But your son is young, do it now, before it starts, because it will be hard to get your son discipline right, because he sees that it's okay to yell to get someone's attention. For me I am a little scared to do it.. My family have their own problems to deal with. I am stuck and still trying to find a way out for me and my two babies....

Good luck!!!!!

BlueEyes76
1sonmomma
by on Jul. 14, 2007 at 3:17 PM
I just left my husband, who I've been w/for 17yr., 4/4/07.  It was hard and scary.  But, only a few mos. out I already can see a change in my son.  He's much less jumpy and very  outgoing and charismatic.  My husband has/had a drug problem and was emotionally and verbally and sometimes physically abusive.  I still have feelings for him, but know I cannot/will not go back.  Do u have family or a really close friend who can be your confidant while you are going thru this?  That is what has helped me the most.  I wish you well, and know that you are worthy of much much better.  Feel free to contact me if you need to talk
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