Just plain depressed....

[immadismom]

I've been in this group for a bit, but haven't done much posting, although i have followed a lot of the postings going on here for quite some time.

I am just plain depressed about my entire situation. Right now my ex-husband is 3 months behind in child support.  I am literally on my last penny, trying to figure out how I'm even going to put gas in my car this week.  Every dime has had to go to paying dd's daycare & my rent & bills, including all of the money I had in savings, because the child support is behind by $2600!

Also, it seems like all of my girl-friends are now married, and starting to have kids, while I'm finding myself single, trying to get one ready for school.  I have had zero luck dating, and am so lonely most of the time that i end up crying, and going to bed by 9 pm. 

It just seems right now that everything is so negative.  I don't like for dd to see me this way, but it's so hard to keep a smile on for her, when I'm so depressed.  I am taking anti-depressants for a different medical issue, but it does not seem to help w/the depression one bit, funny!

Sorry for such a long post....just needed to vent.

[indigonative]

Sometimes it's nice to know someone's going through something similar, maybe worse. I have 2 girls, ages 4 1/2 and 2 1/2. I've been alone with them now for 14 months. I live 1300 miles from their father, and in those 14 mths, he's sent $160. I live on TANF of $528 mth, my rent is $500-I get foodstamps & a $220 check every 3 months from revenue sharing from my tribe. The great state of Oregon only pays $1.63 hr per child for day care-would you trust someone who would take that? I have no family here, only a couple close friends. I live 20 miles from the nearest town, got an old car my friend bought for me, which is the biggest blessing in my life right now(I manage somehow to keep a gallon or two of gas in her). But finding a job with little & no child care has proved to be nearly impossible. I watch my friends go to all these festivals/events, buy things they need & just really take for granted that they have partners in the home & hefty incomes with little or no effort. I haven't had more than 6 hours away from my children in 14 months...All we do is yell & fight lately. I can't imagine what their future holds at this point, I've considered adoption...I love them soooo much tho. But this daily misery & strife may take away their chance to be healthy happy grownups. I know I have alot more than most folks in developing countries, but the support system & something to look forward to when I wake up are missing. I long for the days of tribal life, the young girls of the tribe taking care of the little ones while the moms take care of chores & gathering/making food/medicine/clothing-I long for the simple life of togetherness & interdependence. Wouldn't that be great? I know not many people share my views about these things, but family & community USED to mean alot more than they do these days. So, I hope I haven't depressed you further, but I do know what it's like to be the ONE worrying & it does tend to get the best of us sometimes, I hope against hope there are cures for all the suffering we humans are going through right now...hope & faith are all we've got sometimes, so I just hold onto that & take it minute by minute, hour by hour, & day by day. It definitely helps me to just be writing this right now, albeit to a stranger. (We are all related though : ) I am so depressed right now, I can't even see the smiles on my children's faces-I'm numb...no joy. I'm a big woman, quite chubby, & I don't want a man in my life right now,(no room) & definitely don't want a man that's into "fat chicks"...they're always meek & too skinny : ) I know though that we're genetically coded to have a partner & that makes this loneliness thing even more pronounced at a subconscious level. I'm not even sure if I'm making sense now, but I hope since you've posted this, things have gotten brighter & we all need to remember the divine love that created us(don't know if you're spiritual or religious) & connect to it. I wish there were a simple, clear cut way to do this, if you know, I'd love to hear it-been trying Tonglen meditation-we'll see...remember too, alot of us out there are having these feelings, maybe we just need to connect more? Sorry if this was too long, self centered, whatever, like you said, I think I just needed to vent as well...better than journaling cause you know someone's gonna read it & hopefully understand...: ) namaste' Samantha in Southern Oregon

[Marcia01]

First of all you should ask someone at Family Court if you have a department that deals with deliquent  child support payments.  We have it here I do not know what they are called but you fill out a application and alot of paper work and they garnish the child support payment right ou of their check and you are sure to get the support check every month.
About the depression there are different drugs that work for different thiongs.  I was on Lexapro that works better for anxiety than depression.  I was switched to Cymbalta for depression and that works much better.  Consult your Dr and see if there is something different you could be taking.

I know it is difficult seeing friends moving forward with their lives and starting families.  I sit in church watching couples that have been married for 20-30 years holding hands acting like newly weds (in a responsible mature Christian way) feeling like I am missing out on something really great.  Praying that someday God will send me my knight in shining armor so I can have the  same pleasure.

In Gods time I am sure it will all happen but in the mean time, I just continue to go on.  You can too, you just need to get over this hump.

[Tisha1115]

you're not alone, I just found out me ex got laid off this week. Thank God he has a new one already, but it will still cause the child support to lapse. Good luck and God be with you. If you need to talk try me on my home page.

[LNeumen]

I'm sorry that your going through such a rough time and I know that it feels like it won't ever get any better but it will.  I also struggle with depression and I know that it feels like the world is crashing down on you and there's nothing that you can do, but I do know that there are medications out there that will help.  They of course won't fix the financial situation but they can help with the depression and with your mood. 

I know that I wasn't much of a help but I wanted you to know that there are people here that understand what you are going through and people on here that you can talk to.  Feel free to send me an email anytime about anything...even if it's just to vent!

[indigonative]

So, I did alot of searching today & have come to the conclusion that depression can be a very self centered emotion. I've read alot about gratitude journalling; I briefly tried this as well,(& did feel better, & I shall start again tonight)giving thanks for all the things we sometimes take for granted that are true blessings, such as the smiles people give us, our health, our children's health, having ANY food to eat & clean water to drink, having a computer to access information on ANYTHING you could possibly want to know about, the cool breeze on your face after a hot day, your friends, family etc, etc. THere's SO much to be thankful for, really, huh? Focusing on what we DO have, instead of what we don't have has got to be powerful medicine. So, I'M trying to remind myself of these things & stay conscious of them throughout the day, & it's not like I'm really "there" at all yet, but I am trying to remember that every moment in time I'm a new person & you've just got to constantly start where you are at every given moment. Keep on keepin' on. As for anti-depressants, I see you've gotten several suggestions to try them. I tried one back in 1997, and to this day I'm suffering side effects. I would say, before you consider taking anything, please, please research the drug. New studies(independant of the drug companies biased studies) are showing that psyche drugs are much more harmful than helpful, not just the side effects, but the mental effects. These studies are actually finding that psychotic episodes & bouts of depression are significantly increased with usage of these drugs. & come on, how well can we trust something that was tested for a couple months on a hundred people or less in a test that was conducted & paid for by the drug companies themselves, their only motivation is to make money, right? If they truly wanted to cure people they'd be outta business pretty quick. My other problem was that I didn't want a temporary/false solution to my problems,(who doesn't want a "magic pill" though to make it all better? I think we all know that's unrealistic & dangerous tho after careful consideration) I wanna know how to help my self get better & to learn to cope in new ways that will not only strengthen myself, in doing so, I am also teaching my children how to cope in positive ways & in turn, they may pass it down to their children, & so on, strengthening our race as a whole. I just read tonight that helping others is an awesome way to take the focus off self & depression. It won't take your problems away, but it will take your mind off of them & fulfill you in deeper ways. There are so many awesome websites these days to help us cope with modern life's intensity. Most of them you have to take with a grain of salt, but there is so much good stuff out there, so much support...THIS website is a great way to connect to folks & vent/share feelings, & get feedback. It's helping me tremendously sharing what I am here now. I only hope it can be helpful in some way to you, or am I just boring/confusing/irritating you? My intentions ARE good. If you are interested I could find some links to some really good websites or names of books that could be helpful to you not only now, but for an entire lifetime of downs AND ups. I may have some links on myspace as well at www.myspace.com/bluesierra Wishing the best for ya! indigonative