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Need Advice from someone in the same situation.

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Well I guess I will start off with how I became a single mother. About a year ago I ran into my very first boyfriend, we exchanged numbers, we got together (once). For two weeks he kept calling me and I would dodge his phone calls. At 15 I was head over heels for this man, but at 24 I thought he was an idoit and really didn't want to ever see him agian. I told him not to call me anymore. Few days later, I found out I'm pregnant. I told him 4 days after I found out and he tells me he just recently got engaged so I just need to have an abortion cause the girl wont marry him if he has a baby on the way. Then he says he cant be the dad because he and his ex never used protection and she never got pregnant. I didn't talk to him agian until 2 days before I gave birth. He tells me he got married. And to call him when i have the baby. I called him the day I gave birth and he filed child support charges on himself just for the free dna test. Well of course the baby is his.

After we got the results of the test he and his so called wife came to see her. (they are not legally married). He came over at 11:30 at night, stayed for 15 minutes, and wouldn't even come in my house.

The next day he calls me up crying his eyes out. Says he is getting a divorce and he sorry for ruining our lives. (i love my child and my life is NOT ruined) Tells me he cant afford child support.  I felt bad because i dont want to break up his marriage. I tell him we can try to work things out.

So the next day he and his "wife" call me. Offer me 100 dollars a month and he will buy all the diapers, ect. I say yes. then he goes on to tell me that his "wife" controls their bank account and I have to ask her for the money not him. Then she tells me how bad she wants a baby and she cries every time she gets her cycle. I realised he is just trying to get out of paying child support. Im sorry if you are married, living with your parents, can't pay for the kid you already have, why are you trying to have another kid.

I told him I would not make him pay the full amount, but I want to go through the atternoy general. He says no. He now offers me $200 a month for the next 18 years. I asked him what if  you get a good job down the road, is it fair that I am only getting 200 a month. He says yes because he shouldn't have to give me any money he should just have to buy the nessecities for our baby. I they ask him what  visitation. He says he doesn't want outlined visitation. He should be able to come get my daugher whenever he wants and some weekends he may be busy so he doesnt want to be tied down. I'm sorry, but i am not going to live the next 18 years of my life around him. He wont go to any more mediation meetings at the child support office so now the atternoy general is taking us to court. since we took the dna test, the state is making us go to court go get child support thought the state. So now i had to hire a lawyer. Oh and i forgot- he says i should take his offer of 200 a month because "afterall, he is LETTING me be the primary parent". He also is telling me his lawyer said that if it goes to court I am not getting crap for child support. and if i make him pay child support he is filling for custody. He told me that I am an unfit mother because I had medicaid for my  pregnancy. sorry i didn't have insurance and wanted to give birth in a hospital. He also said it is not fair for him to pay child support because my mom helps me out. I was a full time student when I got pregnant. Right now I am supposed to be at Texas A&M, but I am at home not going to school. I work 3 nights a week as a waitress and my mother watches my baby. I have never had an office job so i doubt I would make more that 10 bucks an hour, plus daycare is expensive and i dont want to put her in day care so it works for me. He told me I need to get a better job. That he shouldn't have to pay childsupport if im only working part time. I make 300 dollars or more a week working part time, take home. His best excuse for not paying is he has to support his "wife" because she doesn't work. I have worked since the day I turned 16. I worked in a restuarant until two weeks before i gave birth and went back six weeks later. Um, I do not feel sorry for people who don't work. That is their business, I dont care if she doesn't work, but i am not going to let my child suffer because of it.

Well i haven't talked to him in 2 months. We haven't received our court date yet. My lawyer said it may take up to a year. I just feel bad because even though he is an idiot, i want my daughter to have a father and to know him. Should I call him? Or just wait till everything with the court is worked out? Honestly I would let him sign away his rights but i dont think that is fair for my child. I just  dont know what to do.  The main reason I am going to court is for the visitation. He wants to take her for the whole weekend, without having any supervised visits. She is almost 4 months old, and i think she is just way too young. I am just upset with the whole situation. I don't want to be with my daughters father, (well really sperm donor) but I do want her to know him. What should I do??

sorry my post is sooooo long. No one I know has been in this situation and I would just like advice from someone who has been there!

T
by on Aug. 6, 2007 at 12:22 AM
Replies (11-16):
psalmssong
by on Aug. 6, 2007 at 5:16 PM
First, let me remind you what a true blessing your little girls is. Despite the many dark nights, and days when you feel you just can't carry the load remember it's worth every second of it.

2ndly let me tell you a bit about me. I am a single mom of a soon to be 14yr old girl. I found out I was pregnant (despite contraceptives) 5 days after we broke up. It's been quite a ride since that day at the campus clinic were they told me a was pregnant. I didn't seek child support right away mostly because like you what I wanted was not in his wallet. What I wanted was for him to love and support her, and in some ways me. For 8yrs I did everything I could to make it work. I figured we didnt have to be together for my daughter to have a loving family. I tried to keep my personal feeling seperate from my daughters needs. To some extent I accomplished it, but to my shagrin it didn't matter. (Acknowledge your feelings, cause their are your they make you who and what you are and they are as important to your make up as food. )  I lost myself, ididn't do it on purpose it just kind of happened little by little till their was no me left. I don't regret my life with my daughter, but have to admit that my daughters life and mine would be richer if I just held on to me.

Having said that let me tell that no matter how much you try you can not make him be a father, or to love. And believe me I tried. Since then I have spoken to lots of women who discovered the same thing. It's probably the hardest thing to acknowledge and accept. Then I'll tell you that the money is not an issue until your daughter turns around (as mine has), and ask you why you didn't stand up to him -that's just the way they see it. Mostly the truth is that the courts have put up a system for something that was seriously lacking and that men should not have to be reminded of. Unfortunetly that is the reality -some men will not move until they are pushed. Your lucky/blessed to have your mothers support. Sit back and let the systems work for you or better yet for your daughter. Maybe he will not love her, or be true father but he will respect her enough to support her needs and that will encourage her not to accept anything less. Don't make any deals further than the now. You do not know what a year will bring, maybe he will become a millionare lol. More likely you will. What the state is demanding of his is the absolute bare minum he can not buy your daughter love that's earned any more than you can provide his new wife with the child she longs for. It's not fair for him to play w/ your emotions that way. As far as visitation that's a bit more complicated, I can tell that most men will ask for visitation as mean to "scare" you from asking for money and then six months later forget that it was their weekend to visit. Follow your heart you know your child best.
Fell free to write and I hope I have not bored you.
amanda357
by on Aug. 6, 2007 at 7:26 PM
I have three kids, two different dead beat dads.  GET AS MUCH MONEY AS YOU CAN GET FROM HIM!!!!  Legally if he's not paying child support you have  the right to deny him visitation.  The only way you have to let him see her is when the court orders a visitation order.  I was in the same situation.  Still am but I could care less about my kids seeing their dad.  I didn't grow up with a dad, actually never even met him to this day.  I think children are perfectly fine being with mom only.  I was on medicaid for all three pregnancies, as well as WIC, and my first child was on MC plus.  That is no reason for him to get custody.  Let the courts handle it.  They'll make sure you get as much you can.
eharmonydropout
by on Aug. 6, 2007 at 7:30 PM
Okay, I wouldn't worry about him  trying to get custody. As long as you have no majors issues with arrests/drugs ect., he will never get the baby. I was some what in a similiar situation. According to my lawyer the dad wouldn't get over night visits for up to two years because the baby is just too young. I believe my son was over a year old, but I didn't push that issue because he was already almost a year before he started seeing his dad. You need to go thru the courts for your sake and for the dad's sake, so that everything is spelled out in court orders. Other wise there are just too many games to be played, if everything is written out ex.: visitation and child support then there are no gray areas. Your child deserves support from both parents, regardless if he exercises his right to see the baby.
eharmonydropout
by on Aug. 6, 2007 at 7:32 PM
Not sure what state you are in, but in Illinois child support and visitation are two different things, one doesn't influence the other. Only court orders dictate those things.
Mom2princessKC
by on Aug. 6, 2007 at 11:18 PM
Hi Tara,
 I am living a similiar situation I guess other than Kaitlyn's dad wants nothing to do with her as far as being a father or paying child support. The state of CT went after him for CS because I was getting assistance for 3 months after she was born and since he wasn't paying the automatically go after him to pay back the money.
 I know it CT it is REALLY hard to find a parent to be unfit and I highly doubt being on medicaid is grounds to find somebody unfit in any state. As far as giving in and calling him, in my opinion its not something I would do... just wait it out and let the courts decide. If he really wanted to be in her life he would call YOU... I found out the hard way that you can't make a sperm donor be a father if they don't want to be.
 If you need anything or just want to talk email me kaitlynsmommy709@aol.com
kylee22
by on Aug. 6, 2007 at 11:36 PM
Well girl I have been in a similar situation with my daughter's father we were together i went on an assignment out of town (airforce) for oo umm three weeks i got back and we did the deed once and then i found out he had cheated when i was gone and was still dating the girl soo we broke up a few weeks later i found out bout the baby his first reaction was are you sure its mine haha fucker im not the one that cheated and then he said i kno its mine but can you abort it i said no.  So anyway he never wanted to help out he hasnt tried to call me since i was 7 months and that was almost a year ago. he changed his number and moved, i hear he is marrying that girl and well he wont pay child support and in fact i dont want him to.  yes, dont get me wrong i want nothing more than for my duaghter to have her father but anyone can be a father and not everyone can be a dad and she has a dad my bf loves her and we are fine without his money and i barely started working this month and she is 8 months already....i think you gotta decide whats best for the two of you and not just what you want....your daughter most def doesnt deserve at no matter what age to go through court your baby deserves better and its up to you to choose the best course.

if you have any other concerns feel fre to ask

Dotie
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