Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Single Moms Single Moms

What the heck do I do from here?

Posted by on Sep. 18, 2007 at 3:47 AM
  • 2 Replies
Hello Ladies!

This might be long and I thank you in advance for taking the time.

My son's father and I split up after a DV issue had boiled up after a long simmer of contempt, anger, unappreciation and disrespect in our home. This DV happened on NEW YEARS DAY... ( I know right.. HAPPY NEW YEARS.. HERE'S A BLACK EYE)..

So I am only telling to give some history here as I am seeking advice from those of you whom have had to go through this before.

We went back and forth between "gonna go to counseling" and "gonna make your life hell" <-- these are his decisions I must add... I have been very consistent with telling him that I can never go back... even if God changed YOU... there would have to be a BURNING bush that spoke to me and told me that you were for REAL. So I told him that he could come to my counseling sessions with me... so that we could be better parents.. and maybe be able to AT LEAST communicate better... I thought we could learn some tools to be able to be friendly or cordial over the next umm 16 years.. or rest of our lives as we will be our son's parents forever.

So I couldn't see out of my eye on New Years day.. so I stayed that night and the next morning...... ahh this is going to be too long...

To sum it up....

He is hot one day then cold... do something nice.. then act like a psycho ringing my mom's doorbell at midnight cuz I won't answer his calls and have told him not to call anymore that night.. I was going to bed and didn't want to talk.

Gave me an ultimatum that if I didn't marry him.. he would take me to court for custody of our son... ah this is complicated so I am trying to be brief but it's hard not to leave stuff out.

He has a 10 year old that pretty much only passed each grade until now because his grandparents pulled the race card and kept moving him into different schools.... so he is NOT BY ANY MEANS a very good dad to him... the only reason he has anything to do with his other son to this very day is because I made such a scream about it...

we weren't married and I thought that I was doing my best to mend that relationship between father and son... bla, bla, vla... happy home, Donna reed... Martha Stewart and now Single Momdom.. so I am not complaining... and please don't judge... just setting the scenario

So we went to child support court... he got a credit for having our son two days a week even though he didn't... we were not fighting at this point and I was considering it.. so we worked that into the paperwork to be nice... now I KNOW I WAS AN IDIOT SO PLEASE SPARE YOURSELF THE TIME of replying that I was.. I ALREADY know! lol

So then at the time, his car was in my name, and his phone so he was paying for my portion of the car ins and the phone bill to insure that he would have services since I am a full time student and don't work..

So that credit was also given at the time of CS court...

Then he flipped off the handle and requested another hearing to get the CS decreased... immediately afterwards he stopped paying the phone and ins for me... so he was giving me NOTHING and the CS hadn't kicked in yet.

He didn't show up for the next court date that HE requested so they took the info that they had and resubmitted a new amount... it was raised..

Now at the time... I wasn't thinking about the fact that he didn't have him 2 days.. or that he even got a credit for that... it didn't come up and I forgot to address it... and also about the phone and ins credit he was also receiving...

but it doesn't matter now...

what's done is done and I think I will have to file an appeal to get that changed... I am pretty sure that he is going to do that anyway since he missed the date and wants the amount decreased.

So we have NOT gotten along since... until he started being really nice and offering to do things to show me that he just cares"... doesn't want anything but to prove to me that he is now a man of god and that he is acting in grace and faith.. and ... and... and.. THEN he offered to fix my computer... I had asked him for a while.. he works for IBM and is VERY savvy with computers so he has been my computer guy for YEARS...
He offered to fix it if he could take it home over night and bring it back the next day.. I was leery and so at first I didn't give it to him... then he got upset that I would think that he would do anything to my stuff and took off.

About 2 weeks later... I REALLY needed my computer running smoothly so I gave it to him... HE STOLE MY COMPUTER and  told me that he couldn't fix it b/c I didn't want to be with him and he has a hard time doing nice things for people that don't want to be around him.

OH.. Nice, real nice.

So I took out a loan to buy a new computer... still waiting on the funds, still trying to find a good deal.... using my mom's work laptop in the mean time.

See we used to have this agreement... I would call him when our son was going to sleep and as part of his bed tie routine, he would say good night to daddy...

Well, if I didn't call him, he wouldn't call then would get mad at me for not LETTING him talk to his son or tell him goodnight.. HA

So after the whole computer thing... I stopped calling...

HE DIDN"T CALL for over two weeks. Then on Saturday he sent me a TEXT MSG.. oh ya it gets better)... telling me that he wants to pick Kahlai up n Sunday and if I could meet him half way...

I asked about my computer in a reply text and said that I would love to arrange something with him so that he could see our son if he would CALL ME.

So he did in a very professional tone... I asked him again about the computer and he told me to get a loan and get a new one... WHA?

So i told him that if I can't trust him with my COMPUTER.. then what in the WORLD would make him think I would turn around and give him my son.. even if he says it's only for a day? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE A WORD OUTTA HIS MOUTH? No way!

So I told him NO.. hung up so that there would be no arguing and sent a TEXT (since I think he's trying to use text for a record) and told him that he is more than welcome to come over and see our son (Kahlai).. he sent a msg back saying he will never cater to me again by driving out to my house and I am not doing myself any favors by handling things this way.. Ididn't respond cuz there was no need to.

My gut tells me that over the two weeks, he went out and made arrangements for him to be able to keep him.... daycare and such so that he could take him since we don't have a custody order. He honestly could probably care less about our son.. it is ALL about him and I and what he can so to get back at me for leaving him.. and "BREAKING UP OUR FAMILY"... hardy har har

Now I feel I am going to get an attorney, file for full custody.. but want to make sure that I have my ducks all in a row. He makes good money so he could afford a good attorney and since he is also receiving UNEMPLOYMENT from the 2 months he was unemployed in MAR and APR...  he has even more income to spend! yep.. you read it right... still receiving unemployment WHILE making over 80k a year! Isn't life great when you can work the system for all it's worth? Guess I'll never know... nor would I want to. JERK!

Mean while... child support is supposed to kick in next month and hopefully it won't be the amount that has been taken out of the unemployment checks... cuz that is NOT the full amount..

Oh ladies, believe me,... I have called about it and the state is investigating it right now.


So how do I start? What things should I be doing to prepare myself? What is it like going to court for custody? Can you please help me? I feel like I am in a war movie and someone has just told me that the enemy is near... I just realized that all I have re rags.. I don't have any armor or a big sword! I NEED A SWORD, a horse, and all that battle gear to be able to go up agaist this and not fall completely apart. I am a strong woman, but when it comes to this particular situation, I can be strong in front of him most of the time.. well, now anyways... but the thought of him getting some right to have my sonovernight scares me...

I have seen the way he diciplines his other son... and I would yell at him everytime! I should have left a long time ago... but I thought by staying, things would get better and he would stop being so damn mean to everyone if he knew that he has a loving and supportive family unit behind him... bla, bla, bla.. I am not crying anymore... just iritated and scared that he is going to be able to pull some card about his rights and TECHNICALLY get his way...

What do i do to make sure I am doing the right things? I am asking all of you...
I don't know anyone who has gone through this... or I would have asked... and I have... I am reaching out in my church and through pro-bono legal advice services... but it takes a long time since I am on a list of other broke moms who need to get advice....

HELP!

And please.. I am only looking for advice.. not judgement on what kind of idiot I was for staying so long... or any of that... I am not here to ping pong and argue about my life.. just trying to take advantage of all the great advice I have seen in other postings around cafe mom and I know that we all have been able to really help other moms around here.


Thanks!

Angelique

Wellness Coordinator
Stayin' Home and Lovin' It!
by on Sep. 18, 2007 at 3:47 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-2):
christie27
by on Sep. 18, 2007 at 2:05 PM

I been divorced for 14 yrs. First  apply for full custody of you child , since he has hit you in the past I would also have a restraining order served on him at the same time ( this is what i did).  It is very hard for a dad to take  a child away from its mom. The only way he could do that is to prove in court that your a unfit parent . Which I can tell you are a good parent.  Where I live the child support is based on how much the man makes. Here they have to give 21% of their weekly check to the child. You can have his work records suspenied to see how much he's making . It shouldn't matter if he makes more money than you. Do you have anybody that has seen what he has done to you  (black eye, etc ) ? Or the way he's treated your child ? If you do take that person to court with you as a witness.  Hope this helps. If you want to talk more,  message me.  Love to talk to you.

AngeliquesaMama
by on Sep. 19, 2007 at 1:34 AM

Quoting christie27:

I been divorced for 14 yrs. First  apply for full custody of you child , since he has hit you in the past I would also have a restraining order served on him at the same time ( this is what i did).  It is very hard for a dad to take  a child away from its mom. The only way he could do that is to prove in court that your a unfit parent . Which I can tell you are a good parent.  Where I live the child support is based on how much the man makes. Here they have to give 21% of their weekly check to the child. You can have his work records suspenied to see how much he's making . It shouldn't matter if he makes more money than you. Do you have anybody that has seen what he has done to you  (black eye, etc ) ? Or the way he's treated your child ? If you do take that person to court with you as a witness.  Hope this helps. If you want to talk more,  message me.  Love to talk to you.

No witnesses... just bad memories so I will just do my best to stand up against his pathetic attempts to make it seem like I was at fault for the abuse.. in the mean time... I am seeking out as much help as I can.. just appreciate anyone who has some advice... I'll take it all into consideration.. at least while I get emotional i can have someone else's thoughts rolling around in my head and maybe when i go to grab one.. it will be a good one! lol

This is HARD. Emotionally and spiritually.. just HARD!

Angelique
Wellness Coordinator Stayin' Home and Lovin' It!
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)