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What should be the happiest time in my life...

Posted by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 12:17 PM
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I have a beautiful and quite amazing son. He's 27 days old. I gave birth on May 7th at 453 am. I tried to make it at 423am since my father who passed away August 27th from a 2 year battle with cancer was his birthday (April 23rd). My son was completely blue and not breathing for 3 minutes. He also had sepsis. I never saw him. He was immedietly taken to NICU. He was was there for 36 hours. How some might see that as not that long, it was a lifetime for me. I idid not get to see him for 7 hours. The longest ones i had ever witnessed. I was in the hospital with him for 8 hours before we left. He lost 13 ounces our first two days home. Then he was admitted into the peds unit at our local hospital. He had Jaundice and had now lost another 6 ounces.


We were there 2 days. At the end of our first night there it started. I didn't want him. I couldn't stand to look into his eyes. It was absolute dispair for me to hold him. I hated what i was feeling but, i couldn't do anything to stop it. I then had this breakdown in the middle of the unit. It was extremely embarassing. Social Work was called in. My boyfriend and I didn't know how to look at me. I then left home with my 5 day old son and moved in with my aunt and uncle. We stayed there for 15 days. I came home two nights and slept over. I still felt as though i didn't want him but, it was getting better since I was back on some medication for depression and a panic disorder.


Then he wanted us home. I missed him. I missed us. I came back. But, it's still not gone. I still feel as though my son doesn't need me or want me. I feel as though i'm not a good enough mother for him. I love him so. More then anyone person in my whole life. He's beautiful. He stares at me as though i'm the love of his life.


I was recentely told that I have postpartum depression and not just the baby blues. Which just amps up my panic disorder. My meds just aren't cutting it. I don't know what to do. Where to go. I'm just so lost inside of my own head.



I'm stumbling. I just need to be heard.

by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 12:17 PM
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Replies (1-3):
bubbasmama27
by Group Owner on Jun. 4, 2010 at 9:40 AM

i just want to say that your little baby is SO cute and SO precious!!! since you already have a panic disorder, finding out you also have "post partum depression" is just a little scary. (i say that sarcastically!) when you gave birth to your baby he was blue and didnt breathe for a whole three minutes. those three minutes felt like a lifetime, i'm sure. That alone is enough to send a mother over the edge. To go through what you went through....all those feelings you described having are totally normal. the fact that you were labeled as having post partum depression doesnt really mean anything. it's the symptons you have that you need to care of. sometimes when people find out they are diagnosed or "labeled" with a mental disorder, that alone can exacerbate the illness itself. sometimes giving "it" a name helps. either way, all you want to do is just feel better. it is heart wrenching what you are going through. i know that telling you other people have it worse then you is not going to help. which is totally understandable. one thing you can do is think about your panic attacks when you are not having them. think about WHY you are having them, and what you can do to prevent them while you are in them. breathing exercises work amazingly and calm down anxiety and panic attacks so good. if you just google "breathing exercises for anxiety" you should be able to find some good ones. at first they sound really silly, i couldnt do them without laughing. you can practice them before you actually have an attack, when you feel completely normal. that way when you are in a panic you already know how to do it. eventually you will be able to recognize an attack before it comes, then you do the exercises then....and eventually (probably way down the road...) you'll come to the day where you are just a little stressed out and all you need to do is go in the bathroom and breathe for a few minutes. when you come out of the bathroom you will see everything clear again! lol it sounds silly and impossible, but trust me, it makes a world of difference! it is going to be a LONG road to healing, but you can do it! I don't know anything about your son's condition or how long its going to last or how bad it is, but you could look into support groups in your area for mothers who are going through the same thing you are. make sure to only surround yourself with people you love, and keep your stress level to a minimum whenever you can. sorry if i sound like a mother hen or a therapist or something. i just want you to know that some day you will look back on this and see how strong you were and see how precious your son is too you. and the most important thing you can do is spend all the time you can with your beautiful son...he is god's little miracle if you ask me. he could have come out blue and never breathed again but god gave him breathe and life so he can be with his mommy and everyone else who loves him. don't ever forget that. live everyday you have with him as if it were your last. you are in my prayers and i hope that everything works out for you. stay strong and you WILL get through this!

tabbyfallenange
by on Jun. 4, 2010 at 10:37 AM

wow i completly understand i was like this after my first daughter now almost 8 and i still feel that way i love her but i dont want her i dont feel connected that mother daughter bond you know still to this day now i will say if you dont bond with him now it will be so much harder when he gets older i knwo its hard belive me i do i still struggle i have borderline personality disorder and ptsd from when i was younger but its a struggle every day i also have a 4 year old daughter and she and me is inserpratble shes my baby so diffrent from jade i felt connected and love right at the begining it will pass your feeling it will it just takes paitence and will you can will yourself to do anything from the pics i can see the love for him and i see distance all i can say is love him , hold him , and be there for him you are a great mom because your seeking help i wish more moms was like you and express them selves anytime you need to chat im here send me a message ok remmember your doing the best you can and your doing a great job

appraisergirl
by New Member on Feb. 2, 2012 at 8:51 PM

I heard you!!  You are honest and sincere, you are gonna be a great Mom to your Son, give it time you just met him and the first thing he did was scare the shit out of you!!  Not his fault but it wasn't nice to scare Mommy so much, especially because it's not something that you prepare yourself for.  Your gonna be OK, he's gonna be OK.  Breathe and Good luck.

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