What should be the happiest time in my life...
I have a beautiful and quite amazing son. He's 27 days old. I gave birth on May 7th at 453 am. I tried to make it at 423am since my father who passed away August 27th from a 2 year battle with cancer was his birthday (April 23rd). My son was completely blue and not breathing for 3 minutes. He also had sepsis. I never saw him. He was immedietly taken to NICU. He was was there for 36 hours. How some might see that as not that long, it was a lifetime for me. I idid not get to see him for 7 hours. The longest ones i had ever witnessed. I was in the hospital with him for 8 hours before we left. He lost 13 ounces our first two days home. Then he was admitted into the peds unit at our local hospital. He had Jaundice and had now lost another 6 ounces.
We were there 2 days. At the end of our first night there it started. I didn't want him. I couldn't stand to look into his eyes. It was absolute dispair for me to hold him. I hated what i was feeling but, i couldn't do anything to stop it. I then had this breakdown in the middle of the unit. It was extremely embarassing. Social Work was called in. My boyfriend and I didn't know how to look at me. I then left home with my 5 day old son and moved in with my aunt and uncle. We stayed there for 15 days. I came home two nights and slept over. I still felt as though i didn't want him but, it was getting better since I was back on some medication for depression and a panic disorder.
Then he wanted us home. I missed him. I missed us. I came back. But, it's still not gone. I still feel as though my son doesn't need me or want me. I feel as though i'm not a good enough mother for him. I love him so. More then anyone person in my whole life. He's beautiful. He stares at me as though i'm the love of his life.
I was recentely told that I have postpartum depression and not just the baby blues. Which just amps up my panic disorder. My meds just aren't cutting it. I don't know what to do. Where to go. I'm just so lost inside of my own head.
I'm stumbling. I just need to be heard.