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kinda long, sorry

Posted by on Aug. 22, 2008 at 10:44 PM
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I haven't been on here in a long time, and SOOOOO much has changed! I have written posts before about how my husband was emotionally abusive and just such a d**k. There is so much wrong with him its not even funny. Its a long story and I really don't feel like getting into it because it is FINALLY OVER!! well... almost. I filed for divorce. I'm waiting on the court to give me a courtdate but it has been over for at LEAST 6 months now. And I met this guy......... I just have to share this with someone else that has ptsd, because I am so scared, I don't even know whats going on right now. He is the NICEST, sweetest guy I have ever met. Ive only been hanging out with him for about 3 weeks now, but he is best friends with one of my really good friends husbands, and he is just so NICE!!! Hes like, one of those guys that you just know are nice guys. I don't understand how hes not married yet, and i DO NOT understand what he sees in me. I have PTSD because i was raped in iraq, and there were a lot of other sexual issues in iraq, and with my ex-husband. I am so messed up when it comes to sex, I don't have any idea what is going to happen six months down the road from this relationship when he still hasn't had sex with me. Right now we are really really liking each other, and things have come so close to sex its not even funny. But everytime we get close I freak out and push away and all of a sudden I just can't let him touch me. And I feel SO bad because he is so nice and I like him so much. Ive never had a nice guy like this like me for who i am and want to be with me just because. Any other guy I ever met would have already put his hands down my pants and gotten pissed because I wouldn't let him have sex with me.... I've really honestly never met  a guy like this before. Last night he almost pulled down my pants, (I'm gonna get graphic here, just to warn you!!) because I unbuttoned my pants and put his hand down there. I was ready for that. I was so more than ready for that, I thought I wanted more, but I knew for sure I wanted that, and I haven't been wet like that since.... god i dont even know. So he did that. But he wanted more. So eventually he tried to pull my pants down because he was going to "go down on me". So I freaked out. I freaked out, jumped up and put my clothes on. And this is a 26 year old man here. He has needs. I felt so stupid because I feel like I am just teasing him or leading him on or something. I told him that I want to take things EXTREMELY slow and he is SOOOO cool about that. So when I freaked out I just apologized to him a million times, and his response just made me want to cry. I swear, I could have told him I loved him right there. He told me not to apologize for telling him no. He told me I am not teasing him or leading him on and he knows that. He told me that he knows I want to take it slow and he is with me on that. He told me he will never do anything that I don't want and that I;m not ready for. He told me he'd never get pissed about me not having sex with him because "thats just not a valid reason to get pissed". He said that he really likes me, and for him to stop seeing me just because I won't have sex with him would be extremely stupid. And then he made me promise him that I would never apologize again for not wanting to go any further. I'm so glad the room was dark, because I squeezed out a few tears. I've never heard anything like this in my life come from a mans lips. With my ex-husband, I used to freak out like that and apologize and he would get SO mad and pissed, its not even funny. To go from that to this.... I'm just in shock. Hes just an all-around awesome guy. Hes friends with my friends, we like the same stuff, hes quiet and hes a video game DORK, but he is SOOOOO friggan sexy. hes all big and he has tattoos all over the place, and an eyebrow ring and goatee and a bullet in his neck. (he got shot 3X when he was a bouncer and he actually has ptsd too!) so hes not your average computer geek/gamer, he is just amazing. like i said ive only been hanging out with him for about 3 weeks, so im very scared right now. im afraid that this "honeymoon" period is going to end in 3 months or 6 months, when he realizes I am still not going to have sex with him. because i will. someday. but i need to make sure he sticks around for a long time and that hes really serious about this. because he seems very serious about this. am i ready to talk to him about my issues? its only fair that he knows why i cant have sex with him. he knows i have ptsd but he has no idea why. he just knows i got it in iraq. he can probably figure it out by the way i freaked out last night. but i just hope he really is patient and respectful and kind like this. i really hope this is not an act or just something hes just doing for the hell of it. he really seems to like my 2 1/2 year old son a lot too. everythings moving fast, but at the same time its not. i dont know what im doing. i have such an issue trusting men because of what happened and i do not want this guy to turn out like all the other guys ive ever known. I guess I'm just writing this out to write all my feelings out. they make more sense after ive written them down and read what i wrote. i just really really like him. and i am terrified that he wont be like he is now. i feel like it is all an act and im just waiting for something to seriously be wrong with him. i know he has flaws i dont know about yet, but im waiting for something big, like hes gonna start to hit me or emotionally abuse me or something. but at the same time i am thinking this is the nicest, sweetest, sexiest guy ive ever met in my life!!Just the fact that i was so comfortable with him and he got me wet like that..... i just dont get wet anymore. at least i never did. but he made me so comfortable, and everything felt so good, and he says the sweetest things to me. i cant help but compare him to my ex, and its not even comparable... he is the total opposite. but then i get to thinking hes just saying those things to get me in bed and to make sure hes in control and he has the upper hand. rape victims usually are terrified of losing control, and this is exactly what is happening to me right now. so i just thought id vent out those feelings for tonight. if anyone has any thoughts, or can relate to that, please share! Sorry I am not on as often as i used to be, i hope everyone is doing well!!!!

by on Aug. 22, 2008 at 10:44 PM
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Replies (1-3):
TraceNspace
by on Aug. 23, 2008 at 1:09 PM

I haven't joined the group yet, I may, but I'm so happy for you! Keep taking it as slow as you need to!

~Tracy

lifeisajoy
by Member on Aug. 24, 2008 at 11:54 AM

Hey there I agree with the above post and I also read your profile and sounds like you have some awesome goals you are working toward-- work on those too and maybe just stick to some real nice close cuddling and all right now and really take care of yourself, your son, and really getting to know more about this guy first.   

 

Take Care

mySonny06
by New Member on Sep. 11, 2008 at 12:41 AM

i am sorry about your ptsd. i am in a similar, though not exact boat. i really hope this guy turns out to be everything you dream of! he sounds so far like hes a real sweetie. its hard to let down your guard and get seriously comfortable with someone when you have been through something like that. i am going through it now. kind of. i was a victim of sexual abuse as a child/ preteen. it got very close to rape, but luckily, the bastard didnt get that far. so i know what you are going through. i have problems too. in that arena. it sucks. anyways, wow, this guy sounds just freakin awesome. i say, honestly, if he goes the six months without pressuring you, treating you ANY different, without getting pissed, or avoiding you, or any of that, then hes a keeper for sure. just watch him to see if he changes in that time frame. you know what i mean. anyways, anytime you want to or need to talk, please pm me. it would be nice to talk to someone that has been through very similar things. and out of curiosity, have you been to counseling? thats where i am now. finally. anyways, take care of yourself, your heart, body, mind, and soul. and im keeping my fingers crossed for you that hes that silver lining.

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